Page 14 of Pretty Black

“What do you mean?”

“How do I deal with all the things in my head if I’m not high? At least high, I can not focus on how unhappy I am. What tomorrow holds when Alexander is going to release everything on my phone. If he’ll do it all at once or if he’ll do it slowly to draw it out in torture. If I could have done anything more for my brother? How much I miss hurting myself so I could spend an hour not thinking—”

Caspian cut me off. “Hurt yourself? Like self-harm hurting yourself.”

“Not all the burns are from my father.” And I didn’t hate when he did it either. Maybe at first, but not after years. The pain came with a clear head and the most blissed-out sleep achievable. “Before you ask, it’s been a long time since I’ve done anything.”

“How long?” He crossed the space, resting his hands on my knees.

“If you don’t count—” I didn’t want to talk about the guy I’d seen. I wanted to forget his existence. “A year maybe, but before that, it was years.”

“So you wanted him to give you those bruises?”

I sighed, deciding to be honest instead of avoiding. This would either lead to Cas loving the real me or him seeing all the damage and leaving. Better to rip the bandaid off sooner. “At first, yes. It felt better if I wasn’t doing it to myself. He could make me forget I existed. Make me forget everything with pain. I didn’t have to be anything other than an object for someone else’s enjoyment. It was cathartic at first, but then it turned into games. Head ones. Lying and control. He wasn’t satisfied with only physically breaking me down. He wanted to mentally do it too, and it became too much like my stepfather.” I held his eyes, almost daring him to judge me.

But he didn’t. He dragged me to the edge of the counter and wrapped his arms around me. “I’m sorry he wasn’t better for you.”

“It’s okay. I didn’t love him.”

“Couldn’t you have?” Caspian asked, voice laced with sorrow.

“No. Not while you exist.” I rested my chin on the top of his head, wrapping my arms around his neck. “I thought maybe I could if I blocked the rest of my life out, and it was fine at first, but I missed you and music.”

“So what does good look like?”

“What do you mean?” I hadn’t expected the turn in conversation. I expected him to press for more information about my time in Seattle.

“Do you want to tour at all? Just write music and put it out? What do you think happiness looks like? And this isn’t something I’m holding you to, but I want an idea of what makes life worth living.”

“I don’t know. I haven’t thought about it. For a while, I thought it was running away to start over, but I don’t think that’s reality. So I need to think about what it looks like.”

“I want to figure that out, and when we know, I want to plan our lives around it. I want to talk to the guys, and we will work around your mental health like we should have been for years. I want you to control what you think is good for you.”

Why was Caspian everything I’d always wanted to be? This big golden bright spot. Never have I hated and loved a person so much in my life.

“I don’t deserve you.”

“Yes, you do. You are due for some good. I’m going to make sure it happens.” He slid a finger under my chin, lifting my face. “Just don’t stop talking to me, okay?”

“Okay.”

He pulled out of my arms. “Let me finish the coffee before it burns, then we can go put something on, or you can teach me how to farm.”

“What are we going to do about Alexander?” I asked, unable to stop my brain from returning to the impending doom hanging over our heads, even with the joint.

“I’ll call the lawyer as soon as his office opens. Give him a heads up. See if he can do more.” He spoke as he poured us cups and heated milk. He added sugar to mine, then offered it to me.

I took it, warming both hands with it. “Then what? Just wait?”

“Do you want to do something about it? Beat him to it? Give an interview?” His forehead wrinkled as he sipped. “I’m trying to come up with a better strategy than killing him, which is the only thing that sounds reasonable at this point.”

I laughed, choking on the drag I’d just taken. “Don’t tempt me. I think about Kingsley threatening him with Royal and Taylor’s underground boxing.”

“Don’t rule it out. I don’t know if Royal would, but Taylor and Aspen would get in on it. I know how protective they are over Kingsley’s happiness, and since Alister is affected by all this stuff as well…” He lifted his shoulders, like any of it was a real possibility.

“Royal wouldn’t?” I asked. I didn’t spend a ton of time with Pale Pink Lips, but we had done the same summer concert series they did a few times, and our bassist was seeing theirs.

“He and Kingsley had it out over liking dick.” He shrugged again. “I don’t know how you could be in the alternative music scene and not be alt, but God knows some people hold on to their toxic masculinity.”

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