Page 108 of Pretty Black

I fought back emotion and Caspian met my gaze. He beamed, and it felt like he was proud of me, which made some of this hardship worth it. His love made life easier. He made even the worst moments worth it.

“Wow—“ Lennon stared at me, shock written in his features. “That is such a powerful view of life and death and tragedy. I will be listening back to that and trying to implement some of those principles into my own life. Because we don’t always get to choose what happens to us, but we do get to choose how we respond. You were handed some really good cards in life and some really bad ones, and you’re choosing to lead with love. I love it, but I have to say I’m shocked. You and honestly, all of Pretty Broken are quite enigmatic and the genuine honesty and openness about subjects so personal has blown me away.” Lennon gave me the warmest smile. “I knew you were a really smart guy. Anyone who’s read your lyrics and composition and your knowledge of music can hear it, but I think it’s a different kind of intelligence to be kind, and have this self reflection to self correct.”

I nodded, processing his words. “I’m trying to keep my own narrative and not let anyone take control of my story. I’m tired of it being used against me.” I paused softening, and keeping this from a place of love and not spite. I didn’t want to allow Alexander to do that to me anymore. “It’s something we all have to learn. I don’t think any of us are born with it, and because a lot of us are cycle breakers, we have to figure it out for ourselves, and the more we talk about mental health and abuse and bring these things into the light, the easier it’s going to be to change the tide of them. That’s what brought me to starting the Pretty Broken Foundation with the other guys. Most of us grew up with some sort of trauma or poverty and we are all trying to figure out how to move forward and be the best versions of ourselves. But we, unlike most, have a lot of money to do this with. That is not something most people have access to, so we want to use our resources to work on making mental health and cycle breaking more accessible, especially to underprivileged families and younger people. We are still in the early days and working out the logistics, but we have our website up and running to sign up for updates.”

“It’s admirable. It’s really admirable to take on such a needed thing. There will be a link in the description on whatever app you’re listening, to sign up for those updates and get more from the Pretty Broken Foundation. Lots of big things coming with that.”

“Thank you. We have a good team to get it off the ground. I’m excited about it and I want to give back to the community I grew up in.”

“Of course.” Lennon hesitated. “So if you don’t mind, I just want to go back to something you said just now. I don’t know if it was a slip because up until this point you’ve only called him boyfriend but you mentioned a name there, and there have been some pictures, but you two haven’t publicly spoken about it, so I’m wondering if you’re willing to talk about who you’re dating?” Lennon lifted his brows with a coy smile. “Or if you want me to have the name cut?”

We hadn’t talked about him outing our not so secret, secret. I met Caspian’s eyes, and he held up his hands, saying it was up to me.

“I’m willing to talk about it. We haven’t publicly talked about it yet because it is newer. It only really started at the beginning of the summer and we were working things out between us, because it’s a big change to go from friends who work together to dating and working together and we don’t want to fuck up the dynamic of the band.” I laughed to myself because we’d lived that hell already for two years, but I wasn’t sure I’d share that with the world, not before writing a memoir at like eighty. “He loves me deeply and I can’t imagine loving anyone else, but when it’s that new, no one really knows if something new is going to work and then the stuff with my mental health and our management issues, it just wasn’t where the focus needed to be. But Caspian is my rock. He’s been my person for six years and I wouldn’t have survived any of this without him and River.”

“So you’re officially telling me CIris is real?” Lennon asked.

“I am confirming CIris. Sorry to all the other ships and people who will be let down, but it is a win for the CIris.”

Caspian rolled his eyes, and I started laughing.

“You know you like winning. You love the rest of the guys but you would have lost your shit if it were any other way.”

Caspian growled. “You know how I feel about this.”

“Do you want to come over and grab a pair of headphones and tell the listeners how you feel about it?” Lennon turned towards him but still spoke into his mic.

“Come on, you know if you leave me to explain your views I’m going to make shit up until you do come over,” I said, egging him on.

“Fine.” He got up, and took a seat next to me. Lennon called for his assistant to come in and get Caspian set up. He slipped his arm around me and we settled in close.

“You can’t see any of this, but Caspian went from sitting across the room to putting his arm around Iris and they cuddled into each other. Maybe they’ll let me post a picture with the episode, although if I do that, you all will crash my website.” Lennon laughed. “So Caspian, thank you for joining us. Would you like to fill us in on this winning?”

“Thank you for including me.” He shook his head. “I don’t think I could bear it if Iris ended up with anyone else. I have been in love with him since the first night I met him. I wasn’t giving up on our love story, and I never will. Five years of doing this has taught me a lot about how low things can get and how high things can also be. There is no other person I want by my side through it. I’ve never met another person who makes me feel a tenth of what Iris does with one look.” He pressed his lips to my temple. “There is a magic in him the entire world wants a piece of, and I knew it as soon as I spoke to him. To get to be his and take care of him and support him is the greatest honor of my life.”

“Wow, I’m speechless. I can feel your words. They are so deep. You two are blowing me away with how much you know about yourselves and the world and love at such a young age.”

“We’ve lived a lot and dealt with a lot of tragedy to get here. It wasn’t an easy road,” I said, tilting my head towards Caspian’s so he’d kiss me. “But I’ll tell you the less eloquent version. He wants to piss on me, so everyone knows who I belong to, and that no one else will ever have me.”

Lennon’s mouth dropped open.

“I’m not going to deny it, especially not in public. I get to sleep next to Iris Black every night and I’m not going to apologize for being smug about it.” Caspian’s tone was sexy as fuck.

All I could do is groan.

“I’m not usually into younger guys,” Lennon said. “But even I’m a little jealous.”

They both laughed and my cheeks burned.

“I know what I have, and I’m never letting him go.”

“You’re not allowed.”

* * *

We walked hand in hand along the shore. We’d looked at the house, and a couple of others after the interview.

“What did you think of it?” Caspian asked.

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