Page 103 of Pretty Black

Fingers lightly brushing over my skin, caressing me even in his sleep. He never stopped touching, protecting, checking, like the process was so deeply ingrained in him he didn’t realize he was doing it all the time. I’d like to think I was the one who brought out this fierce protection in him.

The second feeling I grounded in myself was anger. I was mad at all the things Alexander had robbed me of. He’d stolen so much over the last five years. I wasn’t sure I even recognized the extent of it yet. It might take a decade to see all the damage he’d done.

I wanted to live for love. To feel it from my found family, but also to give it. But I also wanted to live to prove him wrong. All of them wrong. Spite was a big motivator.

All the guys plus Kingsley, Aspen, Royal, Saint, and Emory snuck in for lunch. We laughed and talked, and it felt as close to how we began as we’d ever get. We’d found a family, and for once, I looked forward to the future to see how it repaired and grew.

It didn’t make my fear lessen, but it made the future brighter.

“Time to go.” Aspen stood dusting his hands off.

“Right. We have an appointment. Saint?” Royal said.

“I’m coming.” Saint kissed Lowe. “I’ll see you in a few hours.”

“Where are you going?” Lowe asked.

“Mind your business.” Royal stepped out of the room holding the door for them.

“Don’t worry. We’ll be back quick,” Aspen added before following Saint out.

“What the fuck was that?” Kingsley asked when they were gone.

“How does my husband know your brother?” Lowe looked at Kingsley for the answer.

“How the fuck should I know? I was going to ask you the same.” Kingsley crossed his arms over his chest. “Anyone know what it was about?”

No one said anything.

Lowe put his phone to his ear. “Saint turned his phone off.”

“I’d call Aspen, but he handed me his phone twenty minutes ago.” Kingsley cursed under his breath. “Alexander is a bastard, but for those of you who don’t use your fucking phones, it would be nice to go his route and put a goddamn bodyguard on my brother.”

We all laughed.

The nurses showed most of them out of the room, promising they’d discharge me in a couple of hours. Most of them went back to Caspian’s place, but he stayed by my side, and Lowe stayed with him.

Lowe and Caspian explained their idea, and I agreed instantly.

“I don’t remember the last time I was normal. We’ve been touring so long, I don’t think my nervous system knows what to expect. I want to do laundry and make dinner. I want the little things with you, Caspian, and I want to go back to how we started.”

“I do too,” Lowe said, his shoulders tense with the conviction of it. “I’ve had so little time with my husband since we got married. I need time to fully indulge in married life, or I won’t be able to do this at all. We’re all burned out.”

“I’m tired of being who I’m expected to be,” Caspian said after Lowe fell silent.

“Why do you feel like you have to be someone?” I asked, reaching my hand out for his.

“Because there is an expectation, and if you aren’t who they expect, they’ll abandon you. I’ve played the role Alexander wanted for so long. Always being who I was told to be. But I want to figure out who I am. Who we all are. We started this as kids. Do any of us even know what we are without it?”

“No, I don’t think we do. It’s along the same lines of what happiness looks like. How can we even answer that if we don’t know who we are without this?”

Caspian nodded in agreement.

“Do you still want to do this?” I asked both of them.

“I do…aftera long break. But I understand if any of us don’t want to,” Caspian said.

“I do too, I think. But I feel the same. I want to see who I am as a husband before we go back to it.” Lowe turned his focus to me. “Do you want to?”

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