Page 1 of Pretty Black

ONE

PRESENT DAY

Caspian Locke

Ibroke, but it wasn’t the first time.

I didn’t know how to come to terms with the very real possibility I may lose Iris. I didn’t know how to prepare myself for his loss. Finding him on the edge of the roof and serious didn’t make it more real than the other times. I’d been terrified every single time I found him on a roof or thought he’d ODed. But this time felt…

I couldn’t put it into words; he was the lyricist, not me. I’d seen the determination in his eyes. This wasn’t just depression. This wasn’t his normal misery. He’d suffered all those things as long as I’d known him.

This was finality, and I didn’t know how to help him or let him go? Was it selfish for me to keep him here if he was that tired of fighting?

“Can you feel it?” I asked, voice quivering. My mind raced a million miles a second to get him off the edge. Off the cliff—for now.

“What?” Iris asked.

“The music.”

“Always.” He closed his eyes, swaying with the wind again.

I tightened my grip on him, fearing an accidental fall. “It’s between us. It’s always been between us. I knew it then, and I know it now. Tied together with guitar strings.”

“You should write that down. You might have promise as a songwriter.” He stared at our joined hands, my knuckles white with the strain. “I don’t want to give you false hope. I don’t know if I have it in me to fight this battle with Alexander anymore. He’s going to Britney me or something. I can’t be his slave for the rest of my life. I can’t go back to Black Diamond or, worse, a psych-ward again. I need to escape before I’m trapped.”

“I promise if you decide at the end of this you want to be up there, I’m not going to stop you.” It nearly broke me to make the promise. Would I be up there next to him if I lost him? Or forever trapped on this roof, unable to stop him. I pressed closer, face nearly touching his stomach. “I won’t tell anyone else. Not the band. Not anyone. I’ll carry it for you and let you go in peace if it gets to that point.”

What had he taken? Was the edge merely the first part of this? Would I have to take him to the hospital, too, and try to explain away a lethal amount of drugs in his system?

He pressed his face into my neck and sobbed. “Can you even do that? It’s got to be illegal toknowandletit happen.”

“You gonna fucking tell them from the afterlife?” I wrapped my arms around him like I’d already lost him, shaking with my sobs.

“No…” He fisted both hands in the back of my shirt, clinging to me. “But there have got to be cameras.”

“I’ll make something up. Tell them we made out, and you sucked my dick. I had no idea you’d jump.” I laughed through tears, swaying with him like we had in so many times passed.

“There is something wrong with you.” His voice shook with every word. “They aren’t going to find semen in my stomach. They will know you are lying.”

“We’ll have to plan better if you ever do this again,” I laughed. It might have been morbid, but I had nothing else left.

“I’m not sucking your dick before my suicide.” He laughed with me, and we both had to look like we’d lost the plot.

“I guess I’ll suck yours. My DNA all over your cock should work almost as well.” I held him a little tighter, a little harder, a little more needfully than I ever had.

“I feel like we shouldn’t be laughing when I want to die.” He hiccuped, putting his cheek to mine while more tears streamed down his face.

“Is there a fucking rule book? Because I wasn’t aware. Next time, send me a copy so I can come prepared.” I cupped his face.

“I don’t want there to be a next time.”

“Me either.” I slipped my other hand into his back pocket. “How can we make sure that doesn’t happen? I’m thinking—hear me out—handcuffs at night.”

“When did you get so funny?” he asked, dropping his face to my shoulder.

“I don’t know. I’ve finally broken.” I thought I had before, but this time it was real.

He rubbed his tears into my shirt. “I’ve tried everything I can think of. Right now, I don’t know how to get out of it. How to fix any of it. How to not ruin all our lives. The running away to open a flower shop idea is sounding better and better.”

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