Page 54 of The Rough Rider

“He’s...him. He’s been a part of my life for so long and...”

“You’re not answering my question.”

She looked away. “Well... I don’t know...”

“You were happy to inform me that you were going to sleep with Hunter. And that it would be fun. And that it wouldn’t be a big deal. And then you were all about Travis. And you’re not acting the same about this at all.”

“Because it’s not the same,” she said, looking back at Elsie, spreading her arms wide. “Because it’s Gus.”

And the way Elsie looked at her, it made her feel like she had to keep talking. “It isn’t because he’s scarred, Elsie. He’s...too much. He’s just too much.”

“Oh,” Elsie said. “I know you feel judged right now, but I promise you, I’m not judging you. Not about him, not about what happened with Travis. Remember, I wanted to do the exact same thing. I feel like you got caught up in something that just had...deeper consequences. And if you hadn’t gotten pregnant, then no one would think it was a big deal. Including you. But I’m not judging you. Not if you do or don’t want Gus. Not about Travis or Hunter, or anything.”

“Well, you’re right about one thing. I judge myself. And I don’t want to think about being with Gus for some reason. It...it scares me.”

“Maybe the issue is that you like him a lot.”

“He married me,” Alaina said. “He’s taking care of me. That’s what he does. He laughed at me when I asked if we were going to sleep together. He said no.”

“Since when do you accept a no when you want something else?”

“And why exactly are you invested in this?”

“Because I’m invested in your happiness. And if you told me absolutely definitively you were happy with thisin-name-onlything, and he could hook up with other people, and so could you, and it was all just about protecting the baby and giving it a dad, then that would be great. And I’d support you in that. I’m worried you won’t be happy, though. I’m worried you want something more.”

That was a terrifying thought. She refused to entertain it.

“Don’t be worried. I’m taken care of. I think that’s the biggest thing. I’m completely and totally taken care of. And you don’t need to worry about me.”

“If you say so.”

“Don’t condescend to me, Elsie. As you just reminded me, you were about to make the same dumb mistake that I did. It’s just that Hunter got in your way.”

Elsie cringed. “Does that... Does it still bother you?”

She thought about it. Really. Because she thought she owed it to both of them to give that deep consideration. She didn’t want to be with Hunter, though. She just didn’t. Sleeping with Travis hadn’t made her want to sleep with him again. But it had also clarified some things for her. Just thinking someone was cute wasn’t actually chemistry. And some flutters in your stomach could be manufactured by your own determination. But even though she was in the kind of predicament she was then, she didn’t wish it had gone differently. Not in the way that Elsie was saying.

But what she really didn’t want to think about was the direct question about whether or not she found Gusattractive.

For some reason, it sent up a wall inside of her, which she really didn’t want to deal with or address. It...it scared her. Of course, if she didn’t want Gus to sleep with other women...

She finished up her sandwich and threw a rock into the lake. And remembered all the times they had done that when they were children. And things had felt simple. And nothing felt simple now.

“How come everything is such a mess here?” Alaina asked.

“What do you mean?”

“My parents, your parents. Hunter and Gus’s parents. Honestly, the weird thing is that the Kings seem the most even-keeled. And I think we all know that’s not true.”

“Yeah, I’m pretty sure they have their own demons. I don’t know, though. I don’t know why things fell apart here. But what I know is that all of us—our generation—we’re trying to make something better out of this place. We’re trying to make a real family. I think we’ve done a pretty good job. We stick together when it’s tough. We don’t abandon each other. We never have.”

Of course they didn’t. Because she and Elsie were still here together, even after everything. And she wasn’t by herself. Travis had left, but Gus was with her. Gus had married her. That was loyalty. That family loyalty they had here at Four Corners, that they had knit together between the four families, because of the way their parents had been. They had decided to be better. And they were doing a damn good job.

She and Elsie hung out at the lake for a little while longer, and then they loaded back up into their trucks and headed back out to McCloud’s Landing. Elsie back to work, and Alaina to the house. She had promised Gus tacos, and she had boxes to unpack in her room.

She started with her room, sorting through as much as possible before she began to get hungry again. Then she went downstairs and started hunting around in that flat freezer for some ground beef, which she found directly, and began to cook up a skillet of taco meat. She threw in some spices, and then mashed up the avocado, throwing in some of the homemade salsa that Fia had put together, garlic and a bit of citrus. She took out the stack of corn tortillas and started to fry taco shells, slightly irritated she hadn’t had time to cook her own dry beans. But she had brought cans as a backup. She just preferred homemade.

She got everything finished, then covered it with a cloth, and went outside, hoping that she might catch sight of Gus.

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