Page 46 of Indecent Ventures

“He doesn’t want to fuck you?”

“Of course he wants to fuck me. Try listening instead of interrupting.”

Silence.

“Inadditionto fucking me, he said he wants to laugh with me. Do you see my problem?”

“Umm, no. If he wants to fuck you and laugh with you, it sounds like he wants to date you. And if he’s Mr. Best Sex of My Life, then Ireallydon’t see a problem.”

My shoulders slouch. “Ugh, that’s what I’m afraid of. I just want to fuck him. I don’t want a relationship. I don’t do relationships. Relationships with men lead to heartache.”

She shakes her head. “For someone who calls themself a genius, you’re an idiot.”

“How so?”

“First of all, not all relationships with men lead to heartache. I’ve been with my husband since college. He’s never hurt me. Not once.”

“Eddie is a unicorn.”

“No, he’s not. Back to you. Not all men will hurt you.”

“Hmm.”

“And just because he said he wants to laugh with you, doesn’t mean he’s putting a ring on it. It sounds like you have chemistry with this guy. He wants to see you. You’re twenty-two and have never allowed for any remote possibility of a relationship. You had a damn fake boyfriend in high school to appease your mother’s worries. It’s time to grow up and be in an adult relationship.”

“Did I tell you that I had a fake boyfriend?”

“Yes.”

“Was I drunk?”

“A little.”

“I don’t recall.”

I pretend-dated my good friend Jaime because my mother was freaking out that I didn’t see men as anything other than hook-ups. She wanted to up my therapy, so I told her I was dating my friend Jaime while randomly sleeping with college guys and recently out-of-college guys.

“You told me. It’s unhealthy. All your relationships with men are unhealthy. If you have what you say you have with this guy, you should see it through.”

“You really think I should consider this?”

“Yes. At least attempt a remotely normal, healthy relationship. It won’t kill you.”

“Please don’t use theR-word in my presence. Relationship is a dirty word. It triggers me.”

I tap my head for a moment. “Maybe I’m just dickmatized.”

“What in the ever-loving hell does dickmatized mean?”

“I’m hypnotized by his dick. It’s a pretty fucking severe dick. He’s got a lot going on down there. Hence, dickmatized.”

“I don’t think that’s a word.”

“It is. Look it up.”

“Does Mr. Webster’s Dictionary call it a word?”

“Mr. Urban Dictionary probably does. I’ll bet money that Reagan and Skylar know what it means.”

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