Page 12 of Indecent Ventures

She blows out a long breath, but then goes to her bedroom to retrieve it from wherever she keeps it hidden from me. She walks back into the kitchen and hands it to me.

Tears trickle down my cheeks like they do every time I look at the only photo of him I’ve ever seen. He’s very handsome. He has blond wavy hair and the same blue eyes as me. We have the same nose too. Even though he’s sitting, I can tell that he’s tall.

I look up at her. “Why didn’t he want me? What’s wrong with me?”

She squeezes me in her arms again. “Sweetie, there’s absolutely nothing wrong with you. You’re amazing. It wasn’t that he didn’t want you. Drugs are powerful and terrible. They make you crazy. They take away your ability to make good decisions. He wasn’t a bad man. He just made bad decisions. For that reason, I told him he couldn’t be around you if he was still using drugs. Your safety is the most important thing in the world to me. When I was using drugs, I made foolish decisions too.”

At least my mom is honest with me about drugs and her previous addiction.

She smiles. “Jade, I love you enough for two parents. You’re my everything.”

I know she does. I nod. “Thanks, Mommy.”

* * *

The next Friday,I watch out the window as all the girls in the neighborhood, wearing their best dresses, head to the dance with their fathers. Most of them are holding flowers.

I’ve done this at least two times before. It never gets easier.

Mommy hands me a pint of my favorite ice cream, Rocky Road, along with a spoon. “Do you want to watchPrincess BrideorLoverboy?”

I shake my head. “No. Fuck ‘em. Let’s get dressed and go to the dance.”

“That’s my girl. Watch your mouth though.” She smiles. “Let’s meet back down here in ten minutes in our fanciest dresses. Wear your favorite red one.”

I nod.

* * *

On Monday at school,I’m hanging upside down on the monkey bars when I see a man in a car watching me. A familiar-looking man. A big, blond-haired man with blue eyes that perfectly match mine.

I flip down so I’m right-side up and can see more clearly. That’s him. That’s my father. Instead of happiness, rage fills my body. A rage I’ve never known before.

* * *

PRESENT

“Jade, tell me what you remember about that day.”

I sigh, on a video call with my therapist, Dr. Pearl. “I feel like we’ve been over this a thousand times. You know everything about me. There’s nothing left to tell you.”

My mother made me start seeing Dr. Pearl when I was eight years old. I was unaccepting of my father, and she thought I might need a professional to talk to about it. I saw her weekly for years. Once my father and I reached a better place five or six years ago, we moved it to monthly check-ins.

She’s a petite woman with a short, dark bob and needs glasses to see the screen for our call. The dark hair has become grayer throughout the years, but her haircut is always the exact same. She’s always well put together. In all these years, I’ve never seen her in anything other than a cardigan sweater buttoned only at the very top.

“Yes, Jade, but each time you tell the story I learn something new. You hold back on purpose. I know you like to mess with me.”

I let out a laugh. I do like to mess with her. Though I secretly like her and often feel a sense of relief after talking to her.

“Fine. I remember locking eyes with him. For seven years I dreamed of seeing him. I thought the reunion would be a happy one where I ran into his arms, he twirled me around, and told me that he loved me and would never leave my side again. Where we became best friends and made up for lost time. But in that moment, looking into eyes that looked so much like mine, all I felt was anger. Deep anger. I swore I would never let him or anyone else hurt me like that again.”

“Why did you feel anger instead of happiness or relief?”

“Why? Because he abandoned me. He left when she became pregnant with me. He didn’t care about me. It fucking hurt.”

“He was sick, Jade. Drug abuse is an illness.”

“He left me. He chose drugs over me. He loved them more than he loved me. There’s no other way to see it.”

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