Page 39 of Bleeding Hearts

“Nope.” I shrug.

“Why?”

“Why would I? Don’t get me wrong, I’m happy for you and Kade, but in my experience, marriages turn to shit more often than not. I’m just not interested.”

“And what if you find someone, fall in love, and she wants to get married?”

“Well, I don’t plan on doing that either,” I say like it’s obvious.

“Falling in love? Sometimes it’s not a choice.”

“Everything’s a choice,” I argue, even though I know it’s a lie.

“So, you’re going to sit here and tell me you feel nothing for her?” She looks at me, dumbfounded.

“Who’s her?” I ask, even though I know exactly who she’s talking about.

She stays quiet, crossing her arms over her chest, not even indulging my act.

“We’re just frie—”

“Bullshit,” she cuts me off. “You’re both masquerading as friends because you’re too scared of allowing yourselves to be anything more. And don’t even try to lie to me and say you don’t want more.”

“It doesn’t matter what I want, Logan. There’s a lot about my childhood that neither you, her, or even Kade know. I watched my parents destroy each other over and over again and at the center of their arguments was always love. Love can be great, like how it is for you and Kade, but it can also ruin people.” I sigh, standing from my chair to pace across the room, getting antsy from sitting too long.

It’s not my only excuse, but it’s the only one I’m willing to admit.

If I’m being honest, I know I could get past my parents’ exhausting marriage, then divorce, then remarriage if I chose to.

The bigger thing stopping me is fear, fear of what my future holds and how it would affect the person I’m with. How it would affect Demi. How it would affect any children I choose to have. That’s what’s really holding me back, although I’m not going to lay all that out for Logan right now.

“I don’t need you to tell me your story, Asher. But you should tell her.” She sighs. “Love is terrifying. I’m not denying that. You’re right, it does have the power to destroy people, but you want to know what can also destroy a person? A lack of it. You watched what Kade and I went through. You know it wasn’t easy. In fact, it was really fucking hard. But you know what? I would go through it all a thousand more times if it meant it led me here, to him.”

“I don’t know, Logan. Am I attracted to Demi? Of course I fucking am. Do I love spending time with her? Yes. But when it comes down to it, am I able to promise I can give her everything she deserves? No. No matter how much I want to, I can’t.” I fall back onto my stool, feeling defeated.

“I thought everything was a choice. So, if that’s true, why can’t you?”

Her words ring loud in my head. I guess that’s the million-dollar question.

My whole life, I’ve looked at love and marriage as a bad thing. I believed it infected you without you even realizing it and that became extremely hard to shake.

I didn’t want that in my life.

Then I got sick, my life was put on the line, and I was forced to live in fear that any day could be my last.

When I learned that I was going to live, I had a new lease on life. I wanted to live every day to the fullest. I wanted to know each night before I went to bed that if I wasn’t going to wake up in the morning, I’d spent the day like it would be my last.

That’s when I started saying fuck it.

I stopped stressing about the smaller things. I did whatever made me happy, had lots of sex, stopped being scared of dying and rather embraced the fact that it’ll happen eventually, so may as well live while I can.

I stopped caring and that type of thinking didn’t exactly coincide with relationships.

It was selfish at times.

When you almost die, it’s not only you who’s affected but also the people who love you. That was just another reason I avoided love like the plague.

Over the years, I’ve seen examples of the other side of love. I’ve seen what Kade and Lo have, what Angie and Isabella have. I’ve seen love up close and how it doesn’t have to be a bad thing.

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