Page 41 of Chasing Secrets

LINCOLN

As bad as my chest hurt, and it still felt like my head was going to fucking explode at every moment, Theo’s touch kept me where I needed to be… on the tail of that secret I’d been running from for so long and was now chasing down so I could begin to rid myself of the claws tearing away a little more of my soul day after day.

My throat hurt from talking so much but I didn’t dare stop to take a quick sip from the stream that was just feet away. If I didn’t finish this now, I never would.

“I had enough medical knowledge to know how to keep Rabbit as comfortable as possible, but the drugs just took the edge off and nothing more. We spent almost three days just talking. About me and my deployment, about his disease and howhefelt about it. I learned that despite seeing all the specialists, my father and stepmother hadn’t been honest with Rabbit about his prognosis. He’d had to overhear it from one of his in-home nurses who’d made a comment to another staff member about how cruel it was to put the kid through all this for the rest of his life. My father and stepmother had been telling him that he was being given medications that would eventually cure him. They’d been telling him that for years. So when he heard that nurse say what she did—”

“It took away his hope,” Theo quietly interjected.

I managed a quick nod.

“Rabbit was able to research his own condition after that, so he knew what his future would look like. The notes in his chart had mentioned several specialists, including the most well-respected one in the world, suggesting they talk to Rabbit about his prognosis and let him be a part of the decision on whether to continue life-saving measures.”

“Like the feeding tube and IV,” he murmured.

“Palliative care,” I responded. Theo nodded in understanding. He’d asked me once why I’d chosen to work in palliative care and while I hadn’t been one hundred percent truthful, he got it now.

“Rabbit begged me to help him. He knew he would just slowly wither away in that bed since even sitting in a wheelchair would have caused him endless amounts of pain. And the pain, it was just never going to end. I knew what he wanted me to do and even though my heart fought me on it, my brain won out. My grandmother on my father’s side had left me a sizeable trust when she died. I think she’d seen the way I was part of my father’s new family but not reallypartof it, so she’d wanted to make sure I could do whatever I wanted with my life and not be reliant on my father’s money. I’d gotten access to the trust when I’d turned twenty-one but hadn’t used any of the money at that point. It was enough that I could have spent my entire life without needing to work for even a single day.”

I paused for a moment as I remembered my grandmother. She’d died when I’d still been pretty young, so I hadn’t known her well, but I remembered her always sneaking me sweets when my parents weren’t looking.

“I used the money to hire a team of the best lawyers I could find and I sued my parents for custody of Rabbit. I expected it to be a long, drawn-out battle but my father and stepmother must have thought I was bluffing when they were served with the papers because they didn’t even bother coming home for the court hearing. I was automatically granted temporary custody which meant I could take my brother anywhere, I could make medical decisions for him, that kind of thing. My parents had ninety days to appeal the decision. I didn’t wait even a day after the ruling before getting him out of there. I hired a private plane to fly us to Oregon. A friend of mine who’d died in combat had told me about his cabin, so I knew there was no way my father and stepmother would be able to find us.

“No one knew where we were. I got Rabbit as comfortable as I could. It was a beautiful place with big windows so he could see the lake and even some of the wildlife that would walk past the windows. We were there for a couple weeks… long enough for Rabbit to turn eighteen.”

I laughed an ugly laugh. “Two weeks to get to know my brother all over again just to have to let him go.”

Theo lifted one of my hands and pressed a kiss to the back of it. He flattened my hand over his heart. Even through the thin material of his T-shirt, I could feel his heart beating a million miles a minute. It was comforting because it meant he got it. He wasn’t just listening to me. He was hearing me. He was feeling the things I was feeling. He was hurtingfor me. If I’d been a stronger man, I wouldn’t have put such a burden on him—especially since he was already going through so much of his own shit—but it was like I’d told him. I didn’t need just anyone in this moment.

I neededhim.

“On his eighteenth birthday, he made a video. He spoke about what he was planning and why and he said goodbye to our parents. He also said that he was alone and that no one was assisting him. I had already called my father and stepmother to tell them what was happening because despite everything, he wanted them there. The plan was to tell them where we were once they’d agreed to come alone, but all my father did was rant and rave about having me arrested. Rabbit tried to say his goodbyes over the phone but instead of really listening to him while he tried to explain what the previous years had been like for him, my father demanded he tell him where we were, and his mother just cried and begged him to come home.”

I fell silent for a moment as the first wave of shame went through me. “Part of me wanted him to accept,” I admitted to Theo.

“Of course you did. You were suffering, Lincoln, and you needed your family with you just like Rabbit did.” Theo shifted forward and put his arms around me. I was glad for their strength because I felt like those claws of guilt were shredding me to pieces.

“I followed his wishes to the letter. He didn’t want me to remove the feeding tube or IV until that day because he didn’t want to waste away like that. He just wanted to go to sleep with his big brother holding his hand. There’d been a lot of different kinds of pain medications locked in a cabinet in the room he’d been living in at the house in the Hamptons, so I took them all when we left. He wanted me to draw enough of one of the drugs into a syringe so that he’d just go to sleep. He didn’t want me to be the one to push the drugs into him through his IV port. He wanted to videotape the whole thing on his phone so there was no way I could be held accountable and then have me turn the recording off when it got to the point where I held his hand.

“Oregon has right to die laws, but specific procedures need to be followed and you need to have lived there for at least a year before you would even be eligible.”

“But you didn’t tell him that,” Theo offered. His lips grazing over the spot where my neck met my collarbone was comforting.

“None of it was about me, and at that point I honestly didn’t give a shit about what would happen to me,” I murmured. My eyes hurt from the tears I’d already shed but I didn’t bother trying to hold them back as they began to slip down my cheeks.

“We spent a long time just talking about random memories. I had the syringe in my hand with another one ready to go on the nightstand if he needed it, but he was the one who needed to say if and when he was ready. I didn’t try to talk him out of it because I knew there was no hope of him living a life that wasn’t filled with excruciating pain as he withered away in a bed somewhere. He’d never get to drive a car or go to a concert or hang out with friends. He’d never get to pick a college, a career, a place to settle down and have a family. His life would consist of endless drugs, shitting in a colostomy bag because he couldn’t even be moved to a bathroom without wanting to die then and there from the pain, let alone the humiliation. There was no true way of being able to put myself in his shoes, but it didn’t matter. He was my little brother. My job was to protect him. To save him. I couldn’t do that, but I could give him peace.”

I closed my eyes as I remembered the scene that day. I must have been quiet for too long because Theo whispered in my ear, “Finish it, my love.”

Under normal circumstances I would have been completely hung up on the endearment, but nothing was normal anymore. I was back in that cabin with the pretty view and my tormented brother trying desperately not to move even an inch because it would cause searing pain to consume his broken body.

“He was scared,” I began. “I think he was more scared that it wouldn’t work, or that he’d feel himself dying. I don’t think he was afraid of what would happen afterwards because he believed in God and heaven and knew he’d be in a place where he’d finally be free. I knew the morphine wouldn’t take long to do its job and I told him that he’d just feel tired and drift off. He told me he loved me, and he thanked me and promised he’d always be with me. Then he told me to put the needle in the port and he’d do the rest. He reminded me to edit the video so there’d be no proof that I’d helped him in any kind of way. I didn’t give a shit about the fact that his phone was still recording everything, so I injected the needle and began pushing the morphine. Rabbit tried to argue with me about letting him do it, but I knew he wouldn’t have the strength to push the plunger. I… I…”

It felt like my heart was cleaving in two as I spoke, and it was only Theo’s strong arms tightening around me that gave me the strength to keep going.

“I told him to shut up and reminded him I was the older brother and he had to do what I said. He smiled because I’d said the same thing to him from the moment I’d gotten home and taken over his care. That smile… that goddamn fucking beautiful smile stayed on his lips even as his eyes grew heavy. I pushed the rest of the morphine and then climbed into bed with him and turned him so I could wrap my arms around him and hold him. I knew by then that the morphine would have already taken most of his pain away. I could feel him holding on to me for a long time, almost like he was trying to fight it, so I kept telling him over and over that it was okay to let go. The whole thing only took a couple minutes, but it felt too long and too fast at the same time. But seeing him at peace with that smile still on his lips…” I shook my head because I didn’t really know how to explain the rest. There were some things I doubted I’d ever be able to explain.

Theo didn’t seem to need an explanation because he just clung to me. One hand was cradling the back of my neck while the other one was running up and down my lower back.

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