Page 40 of Chasing Secrets

“I’d been wanting to join the army for a long time, but I was too afraid to leave Rabbit. He was the one who talked me into going. He was only ten, but he had this way of understanding other people…”

Lincoln shook his head again like he couldn’t really find the words to describe his brother’s nature. He sighed before continuing. “My parents had been traveling off and on for years the whole time we were little, but my father’s company started having financial trouble so they ended up staying home indefinitely so he could deal with it. Knowing they’d be there to take care of him made it a little easier for me to leave Rabbit. I ended up leaving the day before my father and stepmother got home. I had no interest in seeing them and the feeling was mutual.”

I kept silent even as I mentally raged at the people who not only should have made Lincoln a part of their family but who never should have dumped their kids, especially one who was dealing with such severe medical issues, in the hands of strangers.

“When my parents finally saw for themselves how bad Rabbit was doing, they took him to see several specialists and finally got a diagnosis. Rabbit’s symptoms were the worst any of the doctors who examined him had ever seen. They tried all kinds of pain management treatments but anything that gave him some relief never lasted. The pain was like a cancer spreading throughout his body. Since I’d already been deployed to the Middle East by the time he was diagnosed, I had no idea what the diagnosis was or the extent of how bad things had gotten for him since I’d left. I’d done lots of video chats and phone calls with him whenever I could but didn’t realize he’d been downplaying his symptoms so that I wouldn’t worry. He wanted me to be focused on my duties so that I’d make it home alive.”

Lincoln paused and used his free hand to swipe at his eyes. “He was in so much pain, Theo. Water running over his skin, a breeze coming through his window… all of it was agony for him even when he was drugged to the gills. They kept upping his pain medicine, but the relief never lasted long. He was confined to bed, but even that was torture because the sheets made his skin burn. The doctors tried all kinds of different things to make him comfortable, but nothing worked short of sedating him to the point that all he did was sleep.”

Lincoln fell silent for a moment. He seemed to have regained his composure, but I was a fucking mess. I ached for what Lincoln’s little brother had been forced to go through, what his family had had to witness and how helpless they must have felt not to be able to do anything for the teenager. I lifted each shoulder to try and wipe the streaming tears from my cheeks.

“My dad was the head of the investment firm in New York that he’d helped start, and even with the financial problems the company was experiencing, he’d amassed a personal fortune of hundreds of millions of dollars, so he had a lot of cash to throw around. He spent endless amounts of money flying specialists in from other countries to see Rabbit who was pretty much living at the children’s hospital at that point. Every one of those doctors told my father and stepmother the same thing. They could continue to manage his pain, but it would need to be in a clinical setting because the amount of medicine he’d need just to keep him relatively comfortable would need to be closely monitored. My parents knew what they weren’t saying, though… there was no cure.”

“So all you could do was sit and watch him slowly die,” I whispered.

He laughed humorlessly. “That was the irony of it, actually. He had a feeding tube and IV, so he wasn’t going to starve to death. My parents insisted on physical therapy even though it caused him excruciating pain. When the therapists at the hospital refused to continue the treatment, my parents had Rabbit moved to our house in the Hamptons and hired every conceivable medical professional to take care of Rabbit twenty-four seven. He was sixteen when they began looking for clinical trials to enroll him in. It didn’t matter what country it was in. My father paid whatever it took to get Rabbit into those trials.”

Lincoln used his free hand to run it through his hair. “And I was completely clueless. Rabbit didn’t want any of it, but my father and stepmother refused to listen to him. My father’s money had always gotten him what he wanted, so he’d decided it would be able to make his son whole again. I was twenty-three when I finished my final tour of duty and was discharged from the army. I hadn’t been home since I’d enlisted so I had no idea Rabbit was so sick. He’d kept it hidden so well whenever we’d talked, and my parents never even bothered to tell me.”

Lincoln covered his eyes with his hand even as a choked sob escaped his throat. I released the hold I had on his hand, wrapped my arms around his body and squeezed him hard. I whispered inconsequential things in his ear to try and calm him down. His arms wrapped around me like two steel bands, and I could feel his hot tears against my neck.

“The day I finally got home, I went straight to the house in the Hamptons. I didn’t even fucking recognize him, Theo. He was asleep so I thought I’d surprise him and wake him up with a gentle hug. He woke up screaming the second I put my arms around him.” Lincoln shook his head hard and pulled back enough that he could look down at the ground. “If I’d just done something to make my father and stepmother understand that something was really wrong with Rabbit when we were little—”

“You were a kid, Lincoln. The chance that someone would have believed you over a doctor was minimal, to say the least, and if your parents had truly cared enough, they wouldn’t have left you and your brother in the care of employees whose paychecks were dependent on their ability to keep everything running smoothly.”

I wasn’t sure if Lincoln heard my words or not, but he was quiet for a long time. His sobs had stopped, as had the tears. That scared me since I knew the worst was yet to come and he was already trying to shut himself down enough so he wouldn’t need to relive all that hurt. I put my hand on his chin and forced him to look at me. “What happened to your brother, Lincoln?” I asked.

He hesitated long enough to make me realize we were at that point… that point where his secrets hid.

“My parents weren’t even home. They’d flown to Italy for some wedding or something and then had plans to go to Monaco for an extended ‘holiday.’ I couldn’t believe they’d just left Rabbit in the care of virtual strangers who changed shifts every eight hours. Most times he didn’t even have the same people taking care of him.”

Lincoln seemed to hold his breath even as he stared at me. Afraid he was on the verge of another panic attack, I said, “Breathe, baby,” and ran my thumb over his lips. Sure enough, a heavy breath escaped his lips before he pulled in another one. Once his breathing had evened out, I kept touching his face in some way. Not necessarily to explore but to remind him he wasn’t alone.

“When he realized it was me, he cried. He was crying so hard he could barely fucking breathe, but after hugging him I was afraid to touch him again. He had a morphine pump, but it was designed like any other. It would only deliver a certain amount of the drug. He kept pushing the button and reaching for me at the same time. I wrapped my arms around him even though I knew I was hurting him, but he clung to me so fucking hard, Theo.”

“He’d been waiting for his big brother to come home safe.”

Lincoln nodded. “He’d been waiting for me for another reason, too.”

Several beats of confusion corrupted my brain but then something just clicked.

No.

I was so glad I’d managed to keep the denial silent because Lincoln looked like he was going to shatter into a million pieces.

“I sent all of the medical staff away except for one nurse. I told her to give him more pain medicine so he could sleep. She began to argue with me, so I told her to leave all his medications and go. I wasn’t exactly polite in my request,” Lincoln admitted.

“Good,” I returned.

His eyes met mine and a fleeting smile crossed his lips.

“I gave Rabbit enough medication that he’d be as comfortable as possible but still able to talk to me. I couldn’t hold his hand like I wanted so I put my pinky finger against his. The drugs made him sleepy and he slurred his words, but he was able to tell me most of what had been happening while I’d been gone. His last words before he fell asleep were him begging me to make it all stop. After that, I spent hours scouring the internet about his condition. The nurse had left behind a laptop which didn’t have any kind of passcode on it, so I was able to read through Rabbit’s entire medical chart. I had enough medical training at that point to understand most of it. When I was done, I called my father and Rabbit’s mother and railed at them for not being at their son’s side. My father told me we would talk again when I’d calmed down and was ready to speak to them with the respect they deserved.”

I’d moved my body so I could sit between Lincoln’s outstretched legs. I was facing him and holding both his hands in mine. His grip spoke volumes, but his expressions were the loudest. I was glad he’d come back from that place he’d started to disappear into, but another hard truth hit me.

The worst was yet to come and that would be when he needed me most. I just hoped to God that I could be what he needed.

CHAPTERFIFTEEN

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