Page 56 of Seductive Desires

“Go on, open it.”

I smiled at her, popping it open. Inside were a bunch of photos, a couple trinkets, a necklace, and some letters. I grabbed the photos first, eager to see my mother’s face again. Carmen leaned in close, pointing at the pictures.

“This was your mamá at her quinceañera. Que linda. It was a small event, her parents weren’t well off either, but she loved it anyway. Your abuelo loved her so much, he built that stage so she could sit above everyone else and feel like a princess for just one day.” When I flipped to the next photo, she continued. “That’s your abuela. She hated getting her picture taken so it’s the only one I have. She was always in the kitchen, always cooking. I don’t think she ever ran out of tortillas. It’s like she made fresh ones every morning.”

I was enthralled as I listened to her stories. She pointed to each person in the pictures with my mom, telling me how much they all loved her. I thought I’d be jealous of all the people who got to spend more time with her than me, but I was just happy that she had such a wonderful life. She deserved it. When I pulled out the necklace, Carmen smiled sadly. It was a simple white gold chain with a heart pendant. In the center was a beautiful blue stone that sparkled in the sunlight.

“Your abuela gave this to your mamá on her birthday. She let me borrow it for a date right before she left with you to America. I never got a chance to give it back to her.”

I held it out to her. “Can you help?”

She nodded, sniffling a little as she put it on me. I ran my fingertips along the pendant, curious what it would have looked like on my mom. Did she wear it a lot?

Carmen gave me a soft smile. “It brings out your eyes, mija.” She wiped at her eyes and I put my hand on her shoulder, frowning. She shook her head. “Don’t mind me. I just never thought I’d see you again. Promise me you’ll keep in touch? You are the greatest part of her.”

I hugged her tightly. “Of course I will. You were her best friend. You’re the closest thing to family I’ve got.”

She shook her head. “Not close to, mija. We are family. You may not have grown up here, but I helped raise you. And your mamá, she was like a sister to me. I will always be your family. So is everyone else you will meet tomorrow. They are all looking forward to seeing you again.”

When I started to cry, she wrapped her arms around my shoulders tightly. I hugged her back and we both just sat there for a minute. I thought my whole family died the night my mother died. Carmen was offering me everything I’ve ever wanted since I was seven.

She gave me one last squeeze before nudging me. “There is one more thing, mija. Most of the letters I put in there are letters she wrote to me about your time in America. But one is for you. She sent it to me and asked me to keep it for you until you finally came back home.”

She pulled out a sealed envelope that was in the bottom of the box. Written in my mother’s beautiful loopy handwriting was my name on the front. I took it with unsteady hands. Carmen put a hand on my shoulder.

“I will give you time to yourself to read it. It was between you and her, not me. I left my information on a card in the box. We will meet here again tomorrow at lunch and I will bring you to the party.” She leaned, kissing my cheek lightly. “Be brave, mija. She’s been waiting a long time for you to get that letter.”

I barely heard her leave. I was staring hard at the letter. I had to put the box beside me because I was trembling so much I worried I’d drop it. Finally, I mustered up the courage to carefully open the letter. I read it slowly, my hand over my mouth. I could hear her voice reading it to me.

My sweet Mariana,

I knew you’d come home eventually. We had so many wonderful memories here. Sand castles on the beach, ice cream cones dripping down our hands as we walked home from the market. All the adventures we went on. These memories kept me strong, mi vida. Even when times got tough, I would look back at the wonderful memories and smile.

I want to say I am sorry. I am sorry for leaving you too soon. You are still so young. When I came back to America, I had hoped American medicine might give me a chance to watch you grow. God has other plans for me. I hope you can forgive me. And know that I am always watching over you.

Things may get hard in the future. I can only hope that your new family treats you well and that you are loved.

I wish I had more time to tell you all the things I want to about this life. You are a gift, mi amor. A blessing. From the moment I found out I was pregnant, I have loved you. When you came into this world, you brought with you such light and love. And to this day, no matter how hard things get, you are always smiling.

I hope you keep that smile the rest of your days. Never let fear stand in the way of your happiness, mija. You are so brave. I know even now that there is nothing you can’t do.

I will always be watching over you

Te amo

Mama

Tears flowed freely downmy face as I hugged the letter to my chest. I sobbed quietly for a while, the wind playing with my hair. I knew my mother loved me, I felt it every day I was with her. But to see it written down in her own words, it made me feel heartbroken and elated at the same time.

I looked up at the clear blue sky and sucked in a breath. If Carmen and my mother were right, she was watching over me right now. I did my best to smile, to let her know I was okay. I would be okay. I was going to meet my family tomorrow. I was going to call Jo and Gabi when I got home. I wouldn’t let fear of the past keep me from the friends I had made.

I folded the letter carefully and put it back in the box, hugging it to my chest. I have been afraid for so long, there were a lot of things I never did, never said. Like I never told Mateo I love him. I was too afraid of what Stephen would do if he found out. I never told Mateo how safe he made me feel or how he could always seem to chase away the nightmares just by being next to me. I choked back a sob.

He had his flaws, but who didn’t? And how many of his flaws were only flaws because I was too scared to even talk about it?

I sighed heavily. That didn’t matter now. He was gone and I seriously doubted he’d be waiting for me when I went back to Chicago. I could try and call him, but that wouldn’t be fair to him. I’m the one who ended it. I shouldn’t keep up the back and forth. He deserves someone better. Someone brave.

I took the box back to my room, carefully packing it into my carry on. I worried that whoever came in here to clean would think it was trash and toss it. I put my carry on in the dresser, tucking it away. I thought about ordering dinner to my room and wallowing for a while, but shook myself out of it. That’s not what my mom would’ve wanted. I could hear her in my head shouting ‘go find your next adventure’ like she used to when I told her I was bored as a child. Smiling, I walked out of my room to stand on the beach, the water rushing over my toes.

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