Page 122 of Say I Do

My stomach twisted further as I watched him out of the corner of my eye. The fuck was this small talk shit?Touch me, come to me, do something other than not look at me!It was as if he was talking to me but not at the same time. I could have been a cardboard cutout, and he would have had the same conversation.

“Benito—” My words fell short as his back stiffened.

He didn’t turn around, no matter how much I mentally screamed for him to. I twisted around and headed toward the bedroom before I lost my shit. The thought of grabbing the kitchen knife and slamming it into Benito’s chest played on an endless loop. I almost wanted to do it just so he could feel an iota of what I felt.

The door slammed behind me as I tried to rein in my anger. My hands shook. I covered my mouth and kept back the scream that threatened to break free. This was why love was never a part of my life plan. I was meant to stay in the gutter and wade through lakes of blood. I was made to climb mountains of bodies and be at home. Now, I had been stripped of everything and thrust into the unknown. I was left here alone. My breath caught as I pushed off the door and finally made my way to the closet. I dressed without paying attention. Every movement I made felt automatic.

I needed to become numb.

“Hey, Harlow.” Tony’s hand wrapped around my wrist.

I twisted into the move and flipped him over my back. I followed him down, letting gravity do all the work. My knife pressed against his throat the moment his back hit the ground, and my knee rested in the middle of his chest.

Tony glared up at me, but I felt nothing. Killing him would be a simple task like tying my shoes. He went still as he stared up at me.

“Harlow, what are you doing?”

Blinking, I realized what I’d done. I got up and put the knife away. “I’m going to get fitted for the last time.” I stood up and headed toward the stairs. I needed to keep moving. If I stayed still too long, my brain would take over, and I wouldn’t be able to stay numb anymore.

“What was that?” Tony asked. He rubbed at his throat. “Are you... Are you okay?”

I halted at the door that led to the stairs. I was far from okay. There wasn’t an ounce of delusion inside of me that thought otherwise, but no one needed to know that.

“Yes.”

I slipped out the door into the stairwell. The heavy door slammed shut behind me, cutting off any further questions.

I rubbed vigorously against my chest, trying my hardest to ease the pressure there.

Love is nothing more than pain and misery. Dying almost seemed like the lesser evil of the two.

* * *

Disappointment wasan emotion I was used to feeling regardless of if it was my own or aimed my way. This felt far more devastating. My chest hadn’t stopped hurting even after parting ways with Benito. It felt like a knife was embedded in my flesh. Breathing was becoming a bitch, and alcohol did nothing to lessen the pain that radiated through my body.

I thought we could work past this.Benito and I weren’t the best couple, but we were one. That said a lot about how I felt about him. My feelings, however, weren’t enough; they never would be. I knew that, yet I’d let myself slip up around Benito.

Another shot was poured for me, and I took it with ease. The burning sensation only covered the other pain for a moment before it was back with a vengeance.

I want to go back to hating him.

Life was simple then. Hating my husband was easy. Benito was a selfish, power-hungry, conceited asshole. He was everything I hated. And et I was at the bar he owned drinking because he didn’t love me back. I wanted to laugh at my stupidity. The diary entries burned a hole in my pocket, and I stupidly pulled them out and stared. I’d read the words over and over. Fuck, I could probably write them by heart.

I should have asked Benito about it. Every time I thought about it, fear sliced up and down my spine, making it impossible to get a word out.Fuck, I’m pathetic. I took another shot. The world blurred for only a second but not enough for me to stop. I needed this. I didn’t drink often. Wine or a good sake was my go-to, but I needed something that would erase my mind for the night. For one single night, I wanted to shut off my brain and forget about it all.

A heavy sigh left me as I twisted the shot glass around. The bartender came around without me asking her. She made sure to have a shot ready for me every single time.

I could call Quincy, but even I wasn’t that cruel. I still couldn’t fathom my best friend being in love with me. I was me, and Quincy was, well… Quincy. We wouldn’t have been good together. He’d seen some of the worst shit in me, some that even I wanted to forget about. Benito, on the other hand. He got the bad parts of me, but he dragged out this other side as well. The part that wanted to touch him softly and reassure him. The very side he’d rejected. I tossed back another shot, ignoring the sting of gin as it slid down and warmed my chest.

Whispers around me barely reached my ears. Blu wasn’t too packed, but it was still early. The bar would fill up eventually. By then, I’d be back home, sliding into bed alone.

I reached for my shot glass, expecting it to be filled, only to turn it up and for nothing to come out. “Where’s my drink?”

“I think you’ve had enough.” Tex’s deep voice pushed past the buzz in my head.

I shook my head. It wasn’t enough. I was still thinking about Benito. “Pour the shot.”

“No. Maybe I should call Benito. You—”

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