Page 58 of Payne's Envy

“Come on.” She turned and walked away. Away from me.

I didn’t know why, but panic gripped me. Then Joy clouded in my vision again and there she was, so many of her, leaving me.

I always let her. Fear and frustration warred inside me.She won’t wait forever. If I don’t figure out what I am, how can I catch her?

“Do you want to go watch a human’s sunset, Payne?”

“Payne.”

“Payne, do you—”

“Let’s—"

So many hopeful and pleading words distorted into a jumbled mess in my head. Joy. She kept trying to get my attention.

I lifted my hand as she rounded the corner of the castle—but all the other versions of her were gone. The tangled memories faded, but the turmoil stayed.

There she was in the woods, her back facing me, as she left me. The oxygen seemed to leave my lungs. I sucked in a breath and doubled over. The pain, the helplessness—all the frustration. I held my chest. He didn’t want to refuse her—I sensed his crippling pain, so why was shealwaysdeparting from me sad? And why was it so fucking excruciating?

“Payne! What’s wrong?” Joy softly touched my shoulder.

I yanked her close and hugged her to my chest, burying my nose into her neck.

Her arms came around me. “Payne?”

“Don’t walk away again, please,” I begged. “I feel like dying when you do.”

“What?”

I pulled away so I could meet her eyes.

“Payne…” She touched my face, her mouth parting as her fingers became wet. “You’re crying.”

“What was our relationship like, Joy? Before I forgot?” I asked.

She tried to put distance between us, but I held her close. “You ignored me,” she blurted. “I chased you, anyway.”

I ignored her. Yes, that explained the turmoil inside me, but why? When I—I meantPayneloved her. I,hewould never, but he did. I didn’t understand why. One memory had been nothing more than an unspoken promise he’d made to Joy. The rest was hard to stomach.

“What made us that way?” I whispered.

“I thought we were close at one point, but one day, everything stopped. You left and never spoke to me again unless necessary. I’ve seemed to have lost some memories of those days. That’s why I was hoping you’d remember for us. I hoped you would remember everything and tell me how we are mates, how I’m like you, and why. I don’t want to hear it from anyone else.”

“Joy.” I leaned over as my head throbbed. “Stay alongside me from now on. I never want to see you walking away from me, okay? You’re allowed to do as you wish to me. I’m yours. If you wish to cling to my arm everywhere we go, if you want to watch a human sunset, or just be next to me, you can now.”

The words I spoke were not from the creature I’d become. It was the man I had been. The one with such pain and resentment for himself. I was seeing that my hatred for Payne came from him. He loathed himself.

I was him.

That terrified me, because I wasn’t sure I wanted to embrace him again. Not if it meant reliving whatever he did. There was something that made him run from his mate. Did I want to recall something so horrible?

When I raised my head, tears ran down her cheeks. “Payne?” The hopefulness in her voice split me in two.

“What if I never remember who I was?”

She lifted her hand and ran her fingers through my hair. “If you can accept not knowing, I will learn to accept it too. Just… if you recover your memories and you’re filled with regret…”

“Don’t say another word,” I warned. “Even without the claim, you’re woven inside me. You’re my mate. The only regret I’ll have if I remember will be not being able to call you mine sooner.”

---