Page 55 of She will Always be Mine

My pride or my family.

Protect myself or protectRiaan.

Ultimately, there is no choice.

If I risk outing my taboo relationship to the world, I will lose my parents’ respect, ruin Riaan’s life, and my own reputation.

If I give Zain what he desires, I’ll also lose my dignity. The only question is whether I lose it to everyone else or just him. The choice is easy… protecting my loved ones means sacrificing myself.

Because the sad truth is, love never comes without repercussions.

There’s always a price to pay.

***

The night has fallen and so have I, to the lowest point in my life as I stare at myself in the mirror. I run my gaze over my clothed body and try to silence the voice screaming inside my head, begging me to not go through with it; that it’s not too late to tell everyone.

But it’s all a big fucking lie.

A delusion.

So far, the very same people who’ve known the truth have done nothing but call me sick and fucked up.

My own mother was so ashamed that she couldn’t even bear to look at me or touch me. At least, not until I gave her what she wanted. They’ve taught me that I only have myself to lean on. I’m the only one who can right all the wrongs.

Some might call me stupid or weak for giving in to my blackmailer, but they are not the ones standing in my position.

It’s easy to throw out advice and judgment when it’s not happening to you but unless they’ve lived the same dilemma, they should keep their mouth shut.

The harsh truth is that nobody can tell what is right or wrong until they’re standing at the crossroads, wrestling with their unwanted feelings.

In my heart, I know I’m only trying to protect my family and it’s all that matters. So, taking a deep breath, I pretend it’s like any other night as I take each item of my clothes off until I’m standing naked.

I pretend my body is trembling and shivering from the cold instead of the anxiety that it’s a miracle I haven’t fallen down to the floor or curled into a fetal position.

I pretend I’m not breaking down yet another promise that all of me belongs to Riaan, the only man I vowed to give my body to, stabs my heart.

I pretend that there are no tears running down my cheeks.

I justpretend.Until my body doesn’t feel like my own. Until I detach myself from reality.

Stepping forward, I grab my phone from the edge of the counter and aim it toward me. My heart is racing a mile a minute, and the disgust I feel as I snap a picture while keeping my face hidden is unlike anything I’ve ever felt, but I push through it.

Just wanting to get it over with, I open the message thread and send the picture, and then I throw my phone away, not caring if it crashes and breaks.

Pulling the shower curtain away with a rough jerk, I rotate the tap and fall down on my knees under the spray. My arms wrap around my legs and my nails dig into my skin as if they can pry out the revulsion crawling in my veins while loud sobs rack my body uncontrollably.

My sounds mix with the running water as I let everything out, purging myself of the pain until numbness sinks in. I wash and scrub every inch of me as if it’ll make me clean, not stopping until my skin is raw and pink.

An hour later, I finally step out of the bathroom and into my darkened room. Walking to my open closet, I dig around until I find Riaan’s shirt that I stole the last night we spent together.

I bring it up to my nose, desperate to inhale his scent, but my heart sinks when I realize it has faded. Still, I wear it like a safety blanket and go lie down on my bed.

Tonight, I realized that a woman’s soul breaks when her choice is taken away.

And mine wasn’t only taken, it wasabused.

Mercilessly twisted and captured.

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