Page 51 of She will Always be Mine

As I take the stairs leading to the terrace—our favorite spot—I’m almost expecting to find her standing there, waiting for me like she did so many times before.

Instead, emptiness welcomes me.

A warm breeze envelops me but not enough to warm my cold beating heart. Only Nyra’s touch, laughing voice, and shy kisses can make it go back to the way it was.

My heart… It beats and bleeds only for her.

I go and sit on one of the two chairs in the corner and pull out a cigarette from my inner jacket pocket along with my lighter. Taking a long puff after lighting it up, I exhale above me while wondering how one place can hold so much meaning and so many flashbacks, all intertwined with a single person.

Even before I decided to claim her and accepted my desire—ormessyfeelings—for her, she was already mine. I just didn’t know it. It took years being away from her for me to realize I was already in love with her.

She had claimed my stone-cold heart long before I did the night she found me on the terrace all those years ago.

She had sat right here beside me and took my hand in hers, squeezing tight while telling me it was okay to hurt and miss my grandma and to know she will always be with me. I remember her telling me that it is never too late to say goodbye. She knew what I needed the most in that moment and gave it to me.

But that wasn’t the moment I fell for her or truly saw her. It was when she boldly kissed me, pressed her soft, trembling lips against mine. Those two lingering seconds—yes, I counted it—while our mouths connected, barely breathing and her palm still in mine, it was then I fell in love with her and knew I was fucked.

Insanely and brutally fucked.

I must admit, I had some consumed alcohol, but it was her lips that I was drunk on.

Because all I wanted to do was take her in my arms, ravish and plunder her pliable mouth, and never let go.

In hindsight, I should’ve let her down gently, but with the taste of her still lingering on my lips and knowing she wasn’t ready for all of me, I had to push her away.

Looking back at it now, it’s one of the many decisions that I don’t regret in my life.

The Nyra I knew back then was unafraid, a beautiful enigma of bold and shy, strong, but somewhere in the past months, I’ve seen less and less of that girl.

She’s become a scared shadow of her former self. Sixteen-year-old Nyra wouldn’t have run away from me, or turn her back on us, but instead, she would’ve fought long and hard.

I know that woman is hiding somewhere inside her.

And I need to reawaken that part of her again.

I must rekindle the spark she’s lost.

I’m so lost in my turbulent and dark thoughts that I don’t even hear the footsteps coming from behind me. I don’t even have to turn around to know who it is.

“I told you no smoking in my house, Riaan,” scolds my mom. “Just quit it already.”

“Maybe someday.” I shrug, my voice dry. She doesn’t miss it.

“Why didn’t you tell me you were coming?” she asks, sitting down beside me, her eyes a little puffy as if she just woke up and came straight here.

“Thought I’d surprise you.”

“Hmm…” She hums under her breath, clearly not believing me.

I toss the butt of the cigarette to my right, crush it under my boot, and reply, “I sometimes think you cannot make up your mind on whether or not you want me home, Mom.”

“I always feel it’s not me you’re here for.”

Perceptive as ever, her words hit too close to home. Maybe she knows more than I thought. Still, I neither deny it nor confirm it, letting her decide. Minutes pass as we sit in silence, her observing me while I’m deep in my own thoughts.

“Something on your mind, Riaan?” she finally pries, her motherly instincts kicking in. “You know you can talk to me, right?”

I decide to test her to see if she knows more or I’m just making it all up in my head, which is possible since my walls are down today. If nothing else, maybe she’ll help me with my dilemma.

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