Page 24 of She will Always be Mine

NYRA

“Is the library really as big and beautiful as in the movie?” asks Pri.

It’s a little after midnight and neither of us is in a hurry to sleep anytime soon, too content and excited to gossip and spend time together after months apart.

We are both lying side by side on my bed, our feet kicked up against the wall and our hair hanging off the edge.

My sister says in this position, the blood flows back to our head and is very healthy for our hair. So even though I wanted to roll my eyes, I did as she asked because she kept staring at me expectantly until I couldn’t take it anymore.

She is obsessed with yoga and believes it is the cure for everything, tempting me to ask if there is one for a broken heart.

“It’s much prettier in person,” I answer, making her jealous of being in the same campus where her favorite movie—Bodyguard—was shot.

“I knew I should have asked Mom to take me.” I’m thankful for the darkness so she can’t notice the color draining from my face, or hear the pitter-patter of my heart inside my chest. I really need to get a grip on myself.

“Maybe next time.”

“You bet,” she replies. “Monica sounds super hilarious, though. You guys clicked so instantly from what I learned from Mom. What did she say when you told her you were coming home?”

“Mom and I left in such a hurry that I never got to tell her,” I answer with a wince. “Maybe my warden will let her know.”

Monica is going to be worried I left without a word, unless she still thinks I’m staying over at my uncle’s place. I planned on calling her as soon as I got home to let her know that I’ll be gone for a few weeks and inform my professors about the same.

But I never expected my mom to confiscate my damn phone, even took my laptop to her own room. I’m going to need both back at some point.

“Figures,” Pri murmurs before trailing off with, “Mom was crazy restless.”

In a flash, I sit up on the bed to look down at Pri, who suddenly looks tired and yawns, but my question startles her, “What do you mean?”

“About Mom?” Her brow furrows and I nod. She stares at the ceiling as she explains, “You already know how reluctant she was to send you away. And after she heard you crying on the phone, it only motivated her earlier decision. She became so hysterical, repeating she made a mistake, couldn’t protect you, and wanted to fly right away that Dad had to calm her down. It was just so strange to see. I’ve never seen that side of her before. But the next day, she was back to normal.”

The more I listen to her, the more a slow burning kind of dread takes root inside my chest, raising unwelcoming doubts and fears. It unfurls like hot lava that I don’t have the power to control or stop. That inexplicable look in her eyes right before she slapped me, I realize I wasn’t imagining it.

In fact, it was exactly how Pri described it… hysterical and triggered. It was more than just the shock of catching me with Riaan.

I’m certain she’s harboring a dark secret. Somethingunsettling.

But what could it be? Do I even want to find out?

An hour has passed since Pri went to her bedroom to sleep while the same eludes me as I lie awake, my thoughts drifting off to Riaan, now that I’m alone with no one to distract me.

Being in my childhood room, my safe haven, after so long is bringing back all the countless memories. Some playful and some naughty. I’m once again my sixteen-year-old self that used to lay in bed and daydream about him.

Though the longing is much more palpable than before and the love is no longer unrequited.

I have spent hours endlessly obsessing over Riaan by stalking him on social media for a tiny glimpse of him. It was the only way to sate my addiction, my burning curiosity, and obsession. I was a lovesick fool, unable to cure myself of my crush on him so like a compulsion I had no control over, I fed the unhealthy hunger inside me.

Sometimes my desire for him became so unbearable, that I would give in and touch myself, imagining it was his fingers circling my clit and pinching my nipples until I came with a cry and my panties were left soaking wet. But as soon as it was over, the shame and guilt would come back with a vengeance.

My love for him back then was forbidden yet innocent,

Naïve yet intense…

Nothing more than a hopeless dream.

Every single day, I prayed for him to want me, desire me just as badly, and love me back, but maybe I shouldn’t have wished so hard.

Maybe it was always supposed to be an untamable fantasy.

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