Page 25 of She will Always be Mine

Because each time we crossed paths, it never lasted. It was a sign all along from the universe, telling us not to defy the odds and create what is never meant to survive.

Yet I fought against it the second we collided again, only to get ripped apart once more.

The distance away from him is making me realize the true depths of the consequences of falling for him, the obstacles standing in our way and the many lives it will affect.

It was like I was suddenly bombarded with the reality of us.

All this time, I was being selfish and blinding myself to the unflinching truth. Though none of it will convince me that loving Riaan—my cousin—is wrong except that it can only exist in the dark.

My plan to win him back once everything calmed down, the shadow no longer a threat, feels so bleak now and so fucking stupid and naïve. I’m powerless unless I suddenly possess magic to fix us because the cold truth will still remain… he will always bemy cousin.

A relationship with him taboo and extremely forbidden.

Illicit and unacceptable in any lifetime.

Despite spending the past few months getting to know Riaan, there was one thing I never told him. Sure, we shared all of our deepest, darkest desires and confessed our love until no secrets remained between us, but this is one I would bring with me to the grave.

I kept it to myself because it was too intimate, too soul-baring. I never wanted to bring it up because I feared it would scare him so I held it close to my heart.

It was about a time when I thought he would never be mine.

When I was younger and my obsession for him had no bounds.

My heart begins to thunder behind my ribs as I swing my legs off the bed and slowly edge closer to my bookshelf in the corner.

Unlocking it and sliding the glass door open, I pull out the front two novels until I can see through the space where I secretly stash a small notebook with a blue cover.

A little bit of dust has collected on the corners so I clean it with my fingertips, the ghost of a bittersweet smile dancing on my lips.

It looks like any other personal diary that has worn down over the years but mine is nothing like that. It’s so much more. A naked, raw window into my soul that bled for Riaan, and long before I knew I had a crush on him. It’s dedicated to him, confessions written like love letters but not quite.

I guess a part of me never saw him as my cousin from the start.

He intrigued me in a way I couldn’t explain and all I ever wanted was to be closer to him and never as a sibling.

The little notebook in my hand encompasses all the confusing emotions he evoked inside me from the first time he entered into my life.

I was only eight when I laid eyes on him and it only took one glance for me to get sucked into his orbit. But then I started to crave his friendship, to turn his scowls into smiles and be his partner in crime as he played pranks on Zain.

I was devastated when he left but I held hope that he would visit again, only for it to crash and burn as years passed by.

But those three days were enough for him to seal a permanent place in my heart.

That night, I sat and wrote everything down because I was afraid I would forget the way he made me feel. I didn’t want to miss even the smallest of moments while he was here. It was only supposed to be that one time until I met him again but slowly, it turned into a ritual every time I missed him.

If he sneaked in my head even for a fraction of a second, I would run up to my room and pour it out on the pages.

If I dreamed about him, I would write about it as soon as I woke up.

If something made me think of him that he might love, I wrote it.

As I look down, the pages have frayed over the years but still remained intact. I can’t help grazing my fingertips over Riaan’s name written on the first page inside.

Just reading it makes my heartbeat skip faster, for the butterflies to dance and sing around in a circle in my stomach.

I bring the notebook with me to the bed and lie down while switching on the lamp on my bedside table. Once I was comfortable, I breathlessly turn to the first chapter.

Riaan just left and I want to cry. I wasn’t done hanging out with him and I wanted more time with him. Just today, he had started to smile at me and always included me in pulling funny pranks on Zain. Our house has never felt so quiet and depressing. Or maybe it’s because I’m mad at Uncle and Aunt for leaving so early. I totally have to convince Mom that we all should go next time to Pune. Then I will try with all my might to get a full-blown belly laughter from Riaan.

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