Page 14 of Never Give Up

“Dad? Is everything okay?” Jonathan’s voice slurs with sleep and breaks with the beginning stages of puberty that have randomly started to show themselves.

“Yeah, bub.” I turn to face my son, masking the emotions roaring through my body. “Had a long night and wanted to check on you.” I move to Jonathan’s side and reach down to ruffle the unruly blond hair. “You get some rest and I’ll see you in the morning for breakfast.”

“Dad, are you and Ashley getting back together? She was mad today. She was talking on the phone about it and said you were picking work over your family. Over her. That she thought you were coming around, but maybe not.” There’s trepidation in his voice, as though he’s unsure if this fits with the image he has of his father in his mind.

Damn it.

“We’re not.” I stop, my face hardening and I struggle to hold in sudden anger over her being so thoughtless. But shit, maybe keep her mouth shut when it comes to my kids.

We just talked about it, and it didn’t seem like she was upset when I told her it was time to move out.

“How do you and James feel about what you heard her say? It’s okay if you feel like I’m picking work over you. If you do, I can figure something out. But things with me and Ashley? They’re over. And I think she must have been upset.” I try to cover for her so I don’t upset him any more. “We had an adult talk today and she’s going to be moving out.”

“Dad, it’s not a big deal. I know your job is important.” There is understanding in his voice that goes far beyond his young age. “But Ashley…”

Even in the muted hallway light, rejection shines in my son’s eyes, breaking what’s left of my heart into pieces. If my sons think they are ever put second to my job, I’ll make a change. I’ll do it in a heartbeat. They come first, they always will.

Sighing again for what feels like the hundredth time since I walked through the door, I sit down next to him on the bed.

“You and James come first,” I say quietly. “Before anything. Before anyone else.” A flash of Maya’s face, light streaming in behind her hair, blinks in my mind for a fraction of a second, only to be replaced by Jonathan’s hesitant expression as he’s waiting for me to say something else.

“And your job.”

“It’s not like that…” I want nothing more than to help my son understand where I’m coming from. “Youknowthat you and James always come first. But there are times I need to help someone else, especially when I know that you’re safe and taken care of, and I can concentrate on doing something good for someone else. You remember Maya, right?”

“Duh, Dad. She makes the best cookies and cake and pretty much every snack she’s ever given me. And she lets me play games on her phone. I like her.” His blatant honesty isn’t a surprise to me, and neither are his feelings for Maya.

There have been times that I didn’t have anyone to watch the boys and got called out for something for work. Maya always insisted that I bring the boys to the station where she’s dispatching and she entertains them for hours. She orders food and does anything to make them comfortable and is just overall amazing to them. I know because for days after, all they can talk about is how awesome she is and how they wish they could spend more time with her.

They idolize her in a way that they never felt about Ashley.

Honestly, it’s one of the biggest reasons I have to keep away from her. The mutual love between my boys and Maya means that if anything were to happen with me and her, the inevitable aftermath of a breakup will be beyond anything the boys have gone through.

Losing their mother so early in life put them on a path of constantly looking for maternal love.

Ashley? She never really fit into what they wanted for whatever reason. Hell, maybe they just picked up on the fact that I didn’t see myself spending forever with her.

But Maya?

Maya is… she’s different.

Starting something with her and having it implode wouldn’t be fair to them.

Or to her.

Because she deserves everything.

You could be her everything if you didn’t fuck it up. Now she’s going to belong to someone else and you’ll have to watch her love them.

I can’t figure out why the thought of her with anyone else feels like I’m being hit repeatedly in the chest with a jackhammer.

“Well, she had a problem and needed help.” I force the words out. “So instead of coming right home last night, I went to her house to make sure she was okay. Uncle Jake was the only one working and I wanted to make sure everything was fine before I went to bed.”

“Then tell Ashley to suck eggs,” Jonathan says. “You’re the best cop in the whole world. If Maya needs help, you should be the one to give it to her. She’s awesome.” Yawning, he rubs his eyes, and the fact that I should be letting him sleep is added to my ever-growing list of fuckups.

“Jonathan, you shouldn’t say that about Ashley.” Reprimanding my son isn’t something I like doing, and it hurts a little to have to do it.

“Fine. But, Dad?” Jonathan moves over and turns away from me to face the wall, pulling his blanket up to his neck.

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