Page 13 of Never Give Up

Being alone in the house should bring me peace, but it doesn’t. Instead, the hours tick by until there’s nothing left for me to do except go upstairs to my room and deal with the carnage left behind.

Knowing there’s a mess on the other side of the door doesn’t do anything to relieve my rapidly beating heart or the blood filling my ears as I take in the reality I’m being faced with.

Every single pair of underwear I own is on my bed, arranged by color. My bras are on the floor in the shape of a heart, and…

Disgust and anguish fill my throat, coating it with ash until I can’t breathe. Barely making it to the bathroom in time, there’s nothing left but bile by the time I’ve finished throwing up.

I’d rather burn my apartment down than touch any of the things he touched. I don’t want to put anything on my body that might have been used to fantasize with. But there’s no way I can just throw away a thousand dollars’ worth of bras and underwear.

Instead, I push them all into a laundry basket and take them downstairs to wash them in scalding hot water. Then I proceed to bleach and disinfect every surface in my room until everything I’ve ever touched and some things that haven’t even seen the light of day since I moved in have been scrubbed and sanitized.

When everything is clean, I’m left staring at the basket of clean underwear, trying to force myself to carry it upstairs.

“Fuck it.”

I take it outside and dump it all into a pile before dousing it in lighter fluid.

Striking a match, I watch it go up in flames.

* * *

Brian

I hate workingwhen I’m supposed to be off.

Especially when all I want to do is sit outside Maya’s house and make sure she’s safe.

I got called in for a special duty assignment and everything went sideways. The only upside was that I only had to work for a half-shift.

I’m early enough that I’m not about to fall over by the time I get home. Instead of talking to Ashley, who’s still sitting at the dining room table even though it’s after ten at night, I go to check on my boys.

I stand in the doorway and smile as both my sons snore lightly. It’s like magic. Nothing in their room is touched by the negativity in the world. Everything just melts away at the door. An entire world of playthings, games, and books. A mini man cave, just for the two of them, and exactly what my boys need. The soft snores coming from the beds serve as a quiet reminder that I need to get sleep too.

But I don’t take a step. I don’t want to leave the last little slice of innocence and light in my life.

James, my youngest, is only wearing underwear and his legs are spread out on his bed. At ten all he wants is to be exactly like his older brother.

Even when they’re passed out and snoring, I can’t help but see all of the positive things my boys bring into my world.

The only light in my life, at least the only light I allow in my life.

I step into the room and pull James’ blankets up to his chest and the sudden urge to lean down and kiss his forehead like when he was a baby slams into my gut. Fighting the urge to kiss him, I look over at his brother.

Jonathan turned twelve last month and looks more like his mother than me. He has the same blue eyes as his brother and me, but his skin is lighter, and he has his mother’s naturally blond hair while James takes after me with brown. They both keep their hair long and shaggy, almost to their ears.

I don’t know why, but that small little detail, so very different than how I wear mine, reminds me of the fact that they’re growing up and there’s nothing I can do about it.

Behind me, I hear Ashley walk down the hall, silently going into her room. There’s no doubt in my mind that she’s pissed at me. But I don’t want to talk to her. Not after this afternoon before my shift when we both agreed that it was time for her to move out.

Time for us both to move on with our lives.

Her being in my space is only making things worse. Making my demons come roaring back, doing their best to convince me that I’m destroying my family.

At the root of it all is the fact that I don’t want her. I don’t want to see her in my house or with my sons. No. The woman I want more than my next breath is sleeping alone in a house that she may not feel safe in because I’m too much of a pussy to claim her.

But at least she’s safe from me. And by now she’s got security cameras set up.

Sighing, I turn to leave the room.

---