Page 233 of Dirty Padraig: Dirty Dusters

Is he now giving me back?

I can’t argue with his reasoning. I understand. I get it. He has to come to terms with what’s gone on before. The same as I had to. The same as Irish had to. It’s something he has to address on his own. I can’t do that for him. No one can.

But then what?

Nothing.

There’s no future for us because Irish and I are meant.But maybe Eoin and I are meant too?

Realization.

That this is it. That this is goodbye.

I love every side of Eoin O’Connell. I don’t want a future where he’s not in it.

He’s making another decision on my behalf. I should be angry. But I’m not.

Because by letting him go, I’m giving him whathewants. Whatheneeds. And it will be the first unselfish thing I’ve ever done for him.

“I love you,” I utter the three words that will never change.

Words they refer to as little when they’re, in fact, quite the opposite. They’re the biggest words you will ever say out loud to another person.

The most important. The most exposing. The most damaging. And right now, I am the latter. I am damaged. Even though I don’t show it outwardly.

Won’t. Can’t.

I found one brother and lost another. Does that balance the scales of love? What do I do with all the love I have for Eoin O’Connell when he leaves?

“I know you do, Jaine, but it’s no longer enough. I’m sorry, but I’ve made my decision. You and I don’t have a future together. I’m no longer an option.”

I fight to hold back the tears that are threatening to overwhelm me. He has enough guilt. I don’t need to add to it. I slowly turn to face him.

My nemesis. My enemy. The antagonist in the story of my life.

Until he wasn’t. Until he became my savior.

Because when I returned to New York, our constant back and forth and push and pull is what saved me from drowning in a sea of grief. He became the buoy that kept me afloat.

I hated him. Until I didn’t.

“When do you leave?”

“Today.”

I feel sick. I want to scream at the unfairness of it all, but I won’t because that would be selfish. This isn’t about me. It’s about him. He needs to be allowed to bury the past before he can move on to his future.

A future that I now know doesn’t include me.

“Jaine. I want you to be with Paddy. I know you won’t consider it without my blessing, so I’m giving it to you. He’s been through enough. He deserves his happiness. You both do.”

We stare at each other. I’m not sure how long passes. And then, with a nod, he turns and leaves.

I watch until he’s out of sight. He never looks back once.

CHAPTERSEVENTY-EIGHT

EOIN

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