Page 232 of Dirty Padraig: Dirty Dusters

“Thank you for agreeing to meet with me, Jaine.”

I want to turn and run. I don’t want to hear what he has to say, but I have no choice. I nod. I don’t sit. Instead, I turn and walk toward the pond's edge to stand in the same spot he did with Fin.

“Is this our place?” My voice remains calm. The question itself sounds childlike. Pathetic almost. But I don’t care. I want the answer even though I already know what it is.

I feel him approach me from behind. I squeeze my eyes shut, my nose tingling as tears prick my eyes.Don’t cry, Jaine.All my senses are immediately overwhelmed by him.

Craving him. Wanting him. Loving him.

He doesn’t touch me. We both know why.

“We’ve never had a place, Jaine.”

The guilt tastes bitter as it floods my mouth. Because he’s right. We never had a place. We never had a photograph. We never had anything apart from a song, and even then, I only gifted him that because I thought he was going to die.

“We never even tried, did we?” I whisper as I blink back tears of regret.

“We tried several times. In the end, we didn’t work.”

His words hold no conviction. He’s lying. We didn’t try. Not really. He knows it as well as I do. Time passes as we both stare across the water.

“Jaine.” How many emotions can you pack into one word? Pain. Anguish. Sorrow. So many, and all of them laced with endless regret. I don’t want to hear what comes next. My heart is in pieces as it is. Seconds feel like hours.

“I’m leaving New York.”

I swallow the lump that’s now threatening to choke me.Please don’t fucking go.

“Why?”

“To make things easier.”

Easier for who?

“But you’re needed here. Your family needs you. The business needs you.”

I need you.

“The family will survive without me for the duration, and I can work remotely.”

“Where will you go?”

“We recently acquired several properties in Chicago. As you know, we’ve had plans to extend our reach for quite some time. I’ve decided to bring them forward.”

Is this because I refused to make a choice?

Because our incompatibilities were never insurmountable, we both know that. This decision hasn’t been reached because he’s too protective or possessive. Neither is it about me refusing to meet him halfway or vice versa.

He pulled back. He stopped trying. And there was a reason for that.

Guilt. Remorse. Regret.

Is that why he’s distancing himself?

I thought that if he finally laid bare his truth, that if his brother forgave him, then the slate would be wiped clean. Obviously not. Admitting to the wrongdoings clearly hasn’t undone any of their lasting, negative effects.

Is this his way of removing himself from an equation that, in his mind, he should never have been part of in the first place?

He knows I can’t make a choice. That I never will. Is he leaving, so I don’t have one? In his mind, he stole me from Padraig. Is he now trying to right his wrong?

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