Page 210 of Dirty Padraig: Dirty Dusters

I search her face for signs that she’s joking, but she’s deadly serious. She really thinks Paddy doesn’t love her.

Is that the only reason she’s here with me now? Because I’m her second choice?

“He was in the church at Cillian and Sarah’s wedding. In the safe space.”

I nod reluctantly. I know exactly where this conversation is now headed. “I know he was.”

“He didn’t even come out.”

“Because I stopped him from doing so.”

“So, even back then.”

“Yes, Jaine.” I throw the whiskey I’ve been nursing back in one. “Even back then, I wanted you for myself. I’m fully aware that I destroyed my brother that day. Trust me. I will never get the sights or sounds of his devastation out of my head. Yours either, for that matter.”

“You saw me?” She frowns.

“I witnessed it all. I was standing right beside him.”

I saw her at the precise moment she reached rock bottom. When their hands would have touched had it not been for the glass.

I can feel her eyes boring into me. I’ve already admitted what I did. I didn’t expect to have to dissect my wrongdoings in minute detail during an evening that was meant to be about us.

I place the empty glass back on the table and run my hand through my hair.

“Guilt is the other reason I pushed you away. I knew you and he were meant, but I still stood in your way.”

“You did it because you loved me.”

I’m not sure if it’s a question or a statement.

“There’s no past tense, Jaine. I will never stop loving you.”

“What if I don’t choose you?” she whispers.

“Then I’ll have to accept someone else.”

“You would do that?”

“I would have no choice! You know the role I need to fill!” I rest my head back against the leather seating, annoyed with myself for raising my voice. “Jaine, I want to be completely honest with you.”

“Go on.”

“Possessiveness. Protectiveness. You bring out both in me. If we were to remarry, you would need to accept them. I can try to rein them in, but I’m not sure I would ever be able to where you’re concerned. At least not to the level that you desire.”

I don’t want to deceive her anymore. If she agrees to be mine, then that’s what she’ll be. Mine. I will, of course, try to compromise, but I don’t want anything to happen to her. I don’t want anyone else touching her either.

“If you were mine and Gabe were to manhandle you the way he did earlier, I’d kill him.” She knows I mean every word.

“Thank you for being so honest with me.” She frowns again. “I’m sorry, Eoin… I think I should go.”

More disappointment radiates through me. She clearly doesn’t wish to talk further, even though most of our discussion this evening has been about to my brother.

“Jaine.”

She looks at me once more. Her forehead is marred. Clearly, her mind is already made up. I’ve already lost her.

How can you lose what was never yours in the first place?

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