Page 109 of Two Chances With You

I can’t seem to speak. I can’t do anything but hold her hand lightly, afraid that everything could break again, shatter into pieces. But she saves me. She reaches out to help me, once again. After all, she’s my mother. “Let’s talk about what separated us.”

She catches me off guard. I say nothing.

“Let’s not pretend nothing happened. I think there’s nothing worse than pretending that nothing’s happened. If you’re here, that means that somehow, to some extent, you’re over it now.”

Nothing, I say nothing.

“Well, I don’t think in any case that it was my fault that you went all the way to America, was it?” She smiles. And that smile makes everything easier.

“I just wanted some time off.”

“Two years? You certainly took your time. Anyway, I’m sorry for what happened. Your brother didn’t understand any of it. Your father, on the other hand, refused to understand. He ought to have been there in your place. Things happened between us…” And she stops. Suddenly a stab of pain cuts through her smile. Like a slight wave arriving from who knows where. Then it vanishes again, and my mother opens her eyes. And she struggles to find that smile again. She finds it.

“You see, I shouldn’t try to talk. Better not to. At least that way, you’ll always have a good memory of him. I’m the guilty one, the wicked witch who ruined everything, and it’s only right that I should pay.” Another stab of pain. It seems to be stronger this time.

I step closer to her. “Mamma…”

“It’s nothing. I’m fine. Thanks.” She takes a long breath. “They give me these medicines, and they’re so powerful. Sometimes it’s as though I’m not even here. I dream while I’m wide awake. I don’t feel anything at all. It’s nice. Now I understand why you young people like to take drugs so much. They make you forget all your pain.”

“I’ve never taken any though.”

“I know. You’ve learned to live with your pain. But now enough is enough. Don’t give that pain any more leeway. Make it give you back your life.”

We remain in silence for a while.

“I missed you, Mamma.”

She lays her hand on mine and squeezes. She tries to squeeze hard, but I can sense how weak, how fragile she is. I look at her hand. It’s skinny. She’s lost so much of that life, a life that she so generously gave to me. Then she lets go.

“Anyway, Stefano, I didn’t want to talk about me.”

“What do you want to know?”

“I remember that when I was very young, younger than you are now, I had a boyfriend I really, really liked a lot. I was certain I was going to spend the rest of my life with him. Instead, he wound up with my best friend, and I sort of lost my mind. You should have seen my poor parents. In the end, I resigned myself to it. And right after that, I met your father. You see, I was happy that my first time should have been with him in particular. Well, something that at a certain moment seems so perfect to us might not seem that way with the passing of time. Maybe we realize that it wasn’t so perfect after all, and even if we’ve lost something, that doesn’t necessarily mean that we can’t find it again, or even find something better.”

She lies there for a while in silence, and then she smiles at me. She wants me to be happy. I so much want to be. In part, for her sake.

“I’ve met a young woman.”

“There, that’s what I wanted to hear you say. Will you tell me what she’s like?”

“She’s funny, she’s pretty, she’s strange. She’s…very particular.”

My mother laughs. “What about her…three-meters-above-the-sky girl…what does she have to say about it?”

“I saw her yesterday.”

“What do you mean you saw her yesterday? I mean, sorry, aren’t you dating that other girl?”

I remain silent. Mamma spreads her arms.

“Well, certainly, now that I stop to think about it, I’m the last person on earth to preach about it, right?”

We look at each other. Then suddenly we both burst out laughing.

“I don’t know what you’ve done, but do you want some advice? Don’t tell the other girl anything. Not even that you’ve seen this one. Let your mistake pass in silence. I hope that what I did previously isn’t something hereditary, otherwise I’d have to feel guilty about your mistakes as well as my own.”

“No, Mamma, don’t worry about it, I already feel guilty enough as it is. I wanted to see her again so badly. I thought about it day and night. I constantly imagined that moment, the way it would be…”

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