Page 110 of Two Chances With You

“And how was it?”

“You and me, three meters under the ground!”

“It’s just that sometimes we do incredibly stupid things. And not when we’re in love, but when we think we are.” My mother remains silent for a few moments. “Well, so much the better. At least you cleared one thing up. What’s over is over. History. Done. You couldn’t avoid it, I think.”

“As if that’s not enough…she’s getting married.”

“Ah, from bad to worse. Is that why you were so upset?”

“No. The absurd thing is that I didn’t care one bit. She seemed like a different person, someone who had nothing to do with me. With everything I remembered, she was no longer the same young woman I’d missed so badly, for whom I’d suffered so deeply. And the absurd thing is that she told me after everything had already happened. It only made me feel worse, a greater burden of guilt.”

“Because of what she told you?”

“No, because of the other young woman. Because of how different she is from her, and because of how deeply she didn’t deserve this.”

My mother looks at me. Then she smiles. And she goes back to being exactly the Mamma I’d been missing so badly for so long. “Stefano, there are things that just have to happen, and you know why? Because if it had happened later, then it would no longer have been possible to put right. Unfortunately, I’m certain of that fact.”

We just remain there for a while like that, in silence.

“Well, I’d better go.” I give her a kiss on the cheek.

“Come visit me again.”

“Of course I will, Mamma.”

I walk to the door and turn around to say goodbye. She smiles at me from a distance and raises her hand. She winks at me too. Maybe to make it seem as if she’s stronger. “Stefano…”

“Yes, Mamma, what is it? Do you need something?”

“No, thanks. I have all I need. Welcome back.”

Chapter 46

By now it’s sunset. I ring the buzzer. A voice comes out of the intercom in response.

“Excuse me, is Ginevra there?”

“No. She’s in church, nearby, at San Bellarmino. Who’s asking about her?”

I turn and leave. I don’t feel like answering. Rude for this once. I hope you’ll forgive me too.

I enter the church in silence. I don’t know what to say, what to do, whether to pray, and if so, for what. Not now. Now I don’t want to think about it.

A number of elderly women are on their knees, facing the altar. They’re all holding rosaries. They move those rosaries from time to time, twitching in their hands, uttering words directed at the Lord, prayers that they hope He can grant. And He can, no doubt about it. But who knows if He’ll feel like it. Who knows if He’ll consider it just, that is, if there is any such thing as justice.

But I have other things to worry about. I have my sin. There she is. I see Gin from behind. She isn’t down on her knees, but she’s praying. Or she’s saying something, anyway, and she too is certainly speaking to the Lord.

I quietly make my way toward her. “Gin?”

She turns. “Ciao. What a lovely surprise. I was just thanking the Lord. You know…” She smiles at me. “I was so worried. That is, it’s not like I didn’t want a baby…But just not right now. Such an important thing, and such a beautiful one, to have a child.”

“Shhh,” I tell her. I give her a light kiss on the cheek while I process the news that I am not going to be father after all. I am reluctant to ruin the feeling of relief in this moment but I lean and whisper into her ear, all in a single burst, without waiting, without fear, taking that fatal leap. I tell her everything, I whisper my sin to her, slowly, hoping that she might understand, that she can grasp it, that she can find it within her to forgive me.

I’m finished. I pull away. She looks at me in silence. I look at her. She doesn’t believe me.

“Is this a joke?” She tries to smile.

I shake my head. “No. Forgive me, Gin.”

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