Page 114 of Running on Empty

“If this is what it takes, then yes, of course, I’m in.” Ash moved forward. “I’m one hundred percent in.”

Ronan knew he’d have my attention next and he bent down then and scratched at Ollie’s chest.

“I’ve been through a lot of painful things and not winced, but somehow I think this might hurt the most.” He glanced up at Ash, but only for a moment. “But there’s nothing I won’t do for you, Stevie, so yeah, I’m in.”

Chapter65

Therapy went about as well as you would have expected.

“If you hadn’t killed Stevie’s mother—” Ash snarled.

“If you listened to your own fucking instincts instead of Mum’s bullshit, you would have been there with me, making sure that bitch went down,” Ronan shot back, stabbing his finger into the air.

“We’re going over this, again?” Jax asked with thinly veiled irritation. “If you have any idea how tired I am—”

“You can’t brush everything under the fucking carpet all the time and try and play nice,” Ash snapped.

“OK, maybe we should all stop for a second and take a breath,” Charlie said.

“Someone has to.” They all went quiet at that as Jax rose to his feet to stand facing down his brothers. “Being in a pack with you two is like being pulled into two different directions by two equally determined wolves and I’m the one holding on tight, trying to stop us from breaking. That’s what everyone else who’s not Ash or Ronan has to do. No one can tell you what the fuck to do.” He nodded to Ash. “And everyone’s too scared to with Ronan.” Ronan’s eyes went wide at that. “So instead…”

“How does that make you feel?” Charlie asked, a phrase we’d come to loathe because that’s when all this shit came out. A toxic mudslide of emotion that threatened to smother all of us. “Jax? Stevie?”

In some ways Jax and I had realised something, that we had more common ground than we thought, so I was no surprise that I shifted closer to him and snuggled into his side. Of course, his brothers, in the heightened, raw state that seemed to come each time we stepped in Charlie’s office, their eyes narrowed, as if touching my mate was somehow a betrayal of them. But I tangled my fingers in Jax’s and then I spoke.

“All I ever fucking wanted growing up was a family.” Each man sucked in a breath and I hated that we were going through this again, because it seemed to hurt them each time I admitted it. “When you guys coaxed me down from the tree, I wanted that family to be yours. I wanted to be a Kelly so badly.”

“You are—” the three of them started to say before I held up a hand for silence.

“Well, if I am, then this is what I think. To move forward we’re all going to have to let go of this pain or learn to live with it, but not let it influence our actions. Ash is controlling, Ronan is protective, Jax is supportive and I…”

“Am beautiful,” Ronan said, the green leeching from his eyes. “And strong and defiant.”

“Smart,” Ash added with a nod. “Too bloody smart and perceptive and perfect. Too perfect for me.”

“And ours.” Jax turned me towards him and then stroked his hands down my face. “We don’t deserve you, but you belong to us, wholly and solely. You are a Kelly.” His lips parted to reveal his fangs. “And as soon as you’re ready, we’ll make that a permanent thing for all the world to see. We’re not going anywhere, ever again.” Then his focus shifted to over my shoulder. “But we are going to have to learn how to work together.”

“And how might that look?” Charlie asked and Ronan and Ash sucked in breaths, ready to answer. “Jax?”

“Ash has to learn to pull his head in and take orders rather than give them,” Jax said, his chin lifting as his brother let out a small sound of distress. “He takes them very well when Stevie’s giving them, especially when she says he’s a good boy afterwards.”

“I fucking hate you guys…” Ash growled, then fixed his attention on me. “And you want us to be a family? Then get these fuckers to stop saying that.”

“Why?” I pulled away from Jax and walked over to Ash, running my fingers through his stubble before tugging his head down. “You get so fucking hard when I say it. Don’t you want to be my good boy?” His lips hovered over mine so I felt the rapid intake of his breath, then saw the wrinkle of his brow. I smiled and nodded. “I think you do.”

“I will be if you won’t, brother,” Ronan said, shoving Ash out of the way. Actually I wasn’t sure who was running the show right now. His eyes were bright green, his voice much raspier. “You can call me any fucking thing you like.”

“Are we going to talk about this?” Ash asked Charlie. “About his… alter or whatever it is.”

“Not an alter ego.” Ronan growled, then grinned down at me. “Just hers.”

Charlie flopped down into her chair with a sigh. People think therapy is this smooth process towards fixing all the ails ya, but in reality it’s really hard work, and she looked like she was doing her fair share right now.

“Is that part of what holds you back, Ash?” she asked.

“No.” His reply was too fast and we all stared at him. “Well, maybe…”

“Can’t understand me, so he can’t control me.” Ronan’s smile widened. “Drives him fucking nuts. I’m the one that keeps colouring outside the lines, messing up his nice, neat world.”

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