Page 40 of Room 13: Bred By the Bears

“Doesn’t matter. If the word were magic, and you could speak your dreams into existence, tell me, please. What would you wish for.”

“I thought I knew.” She ground out her tears with the heel of her hand. “It’s changed so much since I met—it isn’t even the same since I moved back home. When I thought I wanted to run a successful business and live in the Garden District, to make my money and know I could depend on me.”

Her breakthrough gave me hope. The things that existed between the words she spoke, suggested exactly what I suspected. She didn’t know what safe felt like with other people. I would show her. We all would.

“The first thing that comes to mind. What is your deepest, most pure wish.”

“I want to be a mom.” The words fell from her lips so quickly, she slapped her hand over her mouth as if being able to vocalize that wish so quickly surprised the hell out of her.

“And I want to give that to you. I know Obi and Armel do too. For real. Not just in our play. I would love nothing more than for you to tell me you removed your birth control, so that I could put a baby in you for real, Miele. Any time you decide you’re ready so I am. We have the means to be an actual family. We have a beautiful house with plenty of space, a big back yard where our baby could run and play. We’re close enough to New Orleans that you could still commute to the city whenever you needed to, and if you were too tired of the drive, we have the house downtown for whenever we needed a break from hill country.”

“You don’t want me, Ryker.” She tried to push away from me, but I couldn’t let her go. Not like this.

“You’re all we want,” I told her, trying to get her to stay in the water, where we were skin to skin, intimate, quietly sharing our visions for no one to witness but us.

“I told you from the onset. I can’tevergive you what you need. It will never be me.”

“You just said you wanted babies. I said I’d give you as many as you want. Where is this coming from. I’ll give you anything you ask for. Please, Miele. Just give us a chance to show you there’s nothing to be afraid of. We’re so right for one another.”

“Ryker. I’m not on birth control.”

Had I misunderstood this entire argument? Had we been breeding her for real and she never told us? How did she make it past all of the approvals at the club without submitting proof of birth control?

“Are you? You can’t be.” I couldn’t hide my smile. No matter that right behind that smile was shock that she would go through such lengths to trick us. But surfacing to the top, was pure unfettered elation.

“Ryker.” Her voice pinched, and a new flood of tears thickened her voice and shuttered her eyes. “Don’t you see? Think. Please. I’m not on birth control because I’m barren.”

twenty-six

I had promisedmyself long ago I wouldn’t cry over this anymore. So why couldn’t I stop? My heart felt as if someone had shot a flaming poker through it. The wound I thought to be long dormant burned and festered.

I tried to stop the tears. This display was wholly inappropriate. I refused to allow myself to cry one more tear. Not for them or because of them. This was my shit. I dealt with this long ago. Mourned it and moved past. I knew what my future held, and it didn’t hold a single day with three men who clearly wanted to put babies in mefor real.

“I’m barren.”

The words hurt coming out. I’d said them so many times over the years. Practiced them repeatedly. Saying I was barren was always easier than sayingI can’t have kids. The length of the sentence was too much when you just wanted to spit out the sentence and get rid of the offensive taste on one’s tongue. Repeatedly cutting yourself open over and again to expose that festering wound to anyone nosy enough to inquire when the babies would be coming.

In my case, never. They never came with Jason, they wouldn’t ever come with these three. Ovarian failure and a depletion of ovarian reserve. That was my fate. A fate that was handed down after years of in vitro and an ex-husband whodidn’t want this lifeanymore.

I couldn’t stop shaking. Whether it was from being wet, wringing out too much long held emotion, or the revelation of my deepest truth, my teeth chattered and my body spasmed in violent tremors.

“Let’s get you inside and in a warm shower. What do you think?”

It didn’t matter what I thought. He had us out of the water and walking toward his cabin in less time than it took to formulate a sentence. Obi and Armel were walking toward us, dinner must have ended, and saw Ryker carrying me.

“Miele? Holy crap, what the hell happened? Are you okay?”

“She’s fine.” Ryker’s voice was so soothing I wanted to close my eyes and get lost in it. “We just went for a swim and the cold snuck up on us. We’re going to warm up in the shower. Can you two start the fire and maybe brew a pot of tea?”

It was dejavu. Me and Ryker, in the shower once again. The soothing brushes of the suds filled wash cloth all over my body from between my fingers to under my breasts and between my crack and slit, still tender from the afternoon’s adventures with Obi and Armel.

“I feel someone has been having quite the play time today.” He pressed a kiss to my temple before he crouched to tend to my legs, feet, and toes. “There’s a pin in that conversation, sweetheart, but don’t think I’ll forget. I have a mind like a steel trap.”

Once he finished washing my body, he repeated the process with my hair. Then wrapped me in a towel, and carried me to the bed where he dried my hair, combed out the tangles, braided it for me, and set to work soaking up every drop of water from my skin.

“I love how soft you are here.” He nuzzled against my thickening patch of pubic hair. Their special request that I’d adhered to, to the letter. “And right now, fresh from the shower, you smell so sweet. Like almond soap and sweet, ripe on the vine grapes. I bet if I tasted you, you’d be the best delicacy, but tonight is about comfort.”

Obi pulled out a pair of his flannel pants and Armel came in with a hooded sweatshirt, and they tucked me in the oversized bed against Ryker’s naked chest. They fussed over me, making sure I was close enough to the crackling fire, and knew there was a cup of tea sitting on the nightstand when I was ready for it. And for the first time I felt content.

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