Page 33 of Room 13: Bred By the Bears

The words pinched. I felt the hot sting of emotion battling with my sinuses. I wouldn’t do it I’d cried enough over the years. No more tears. I made that promise years ago and had done a really great job keeping it.

“Miele.” I hated that with one pitch in Casey’s voice he could bundle me up and soothe every wound that ached and spit. No wonder he was such a brilliant partner to Clover, Odin, and JP, and probably a fantastic dad to those triplets.

“Casey, don’t.”

“That man that just walked out of here like you told him you put his dog to sleep five minutes ago is in love with you.”

His words shocked like warm skin against a frostbitten body. I pulled away, marching to the fireplace only to find no satisfaction in moving there. There was nowhere to sit in the middle of a demolition. I folded myself onto the ground, crossing one leg over the other, pressing my back against the wall.

“That’s his own damn fault then, Casey,” I finally said after long moments trying to get my breathing under control.

My diaphragm spasmed as if I’d just run a marathon and not walked six steps and plunked, inelegantly on the ground leaning against the nearest wall. Casey’s tattered jeans came into view moments before he squat down to reach my eye level. Silence hung between us for infinite seconds. Only the sounds of our breath, his slow and relaxed, mine rapid and stuttered.

“Why do we do this to ourselves?” he asked.

“What?” I took the bait after it didn’t seem like he would complete his thought until I did.

“Punish ourselves for our sexual preferences. Convince ourselves we’re not worthy of the one thing that everyone needs and craves.”

“I don’t follow.” I told him.

With a huff, he shifted to the left and dropped next to me, collecting his knees, and resting his clasped hands on them.

“Love, Miele. We punish ourselves because society tells us we’re weirdos or freaks, for having tastes or preferences that exist outside social norms. We hide in special clubs, and exist in the whispers and back rooms, employing special handshakes, wear certain colors or bracelets, and display our unmarked key cards that show us who the safe people are.

“Because we have to go through all of that in order to find others like us, we believe we don’tdeservehappiness. All we have to go through just to feel sexually satisfied, let alone emotionally so, translates into long held misbeliefs we can’t have love. That it would be impossible for us to feelsexuallyandemotionallysatisfied. That we could find safety and comfort in other people like us. So we fight against it. Try to find a lie in the truth.”

“I told them this was just a fuck, Casey. They all agreed to it. I wasveryclear andveryupfront with all of them. I didn’t want a relationship and I didn’t want them to confuse what we did with making love or falling in love. That’s on them.”

He put his arm around me, pulling my head to rest against his lips. He wasn’t more than a few years older than me. Probably more big brother than father figure, but that act felt like the most fatherly thing anyone had done for me.

“If it was trulythemfalling foryouthat was the problem, you wouldn’t be so torn up about it. It would be a mild annoyance. Maybe a reason to call an end to playtime. But I guarantee you’re all torn up, becauseyouhave discovered it isn’t just them that broke the agreement.”

Impossible. I didn’t fall in love. I didn’t even have a heart anymore. And without a heart, it was a ridiculous jump to assume I cared about anything more than getting off.

twenty-one

I’d been chompingat the bit to come out and visit this place. Montana hadn’t ever been on my “must visit” lists, but shit if it wasn’t one of the most beautiful, best kept secrets. No wonder they called itBig Skycountry. There was nothing but gorgeous cornflower blue skies and white cotton ball clouds stretched out in every direction.

The Kapling’s property stretched for miles in every direction, some under construction with the new houses dotting the lake, or the camping zone they’d set up deep in the forest, but most of it was totally untouched. Except for the trails that Odin dug through the woods. And some ambient light that lit the paths at night. For people like me.

While Ryker took off in search of Miele, and Obi agreed to a golf cart tour of the property with JP, Odin, and Casey’s husband, along with Gideon, Casey’s brother, I took to the trails. They were the perfect mix of nature and safety. Every five hundred feet were panic boxes, in case something went wrong, and they needed to get security or medical out on the trails asap. Along with those and the ambient lighting, they also had motion triggered video streams that looped on a private, encrypted line to the twenty-four-hour security team, as well as time out areas, where people could step into if their play got too intense or something spooked them. It wasn’t much more than some picnic tables with a phone that eventually would connect to the main desk in the resort, as well as a bottled water vending machine (cashless, they just needed to push a button,) and a first aid kit.

They truly had thought of everything they’d need to create the safest kink camp they could. I envied them. To have all of this at their disposal, every day. It was a dream realized. I wanted this too. An existence in a place where they could unburden themselves and just exist exactly as they were.

Up ahead I heard the bushes and trees move. The sound alone waving a flag in front of my inner beast. The soft breeze carried a scent that had become synonymous with every good feeling I had.Miele.

She wore a pair of shorts and a tank top, her AirPods in her ears as she explored the trails, humming softly to herself. Part of me wanted to chide her for walking around a strange place with one of her senses dulled, but I remembered she has no reason to feel on defense. This was her friend’s property, and as far as she knew it was practically empty except for her friends.

The slow, meandering pace she’d taken had me falling into step behind her in a nanosecond.

“Do you want to play, Little Cub?” I asked, wrapping an arm around her waist, and pulling out one of her earbuds. For a nanosecond, she froze in genuine fear, and then realizing it was me, she melted.

“Yes or No?” I pushed. “I need the word.”

“Y-y-yes.” The word came out on a panted breath. I pressed my teeth at her pulse point and felt it beating erratically with the flood of adrenaline her body released activating her fight or flight.

“It’s me. I would never hurt you. Show me you know this.”

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