Page 27 of Will You (Not) Marry Me

She looked up at him again, and any trace of a joke had left him. He was just his calm, stable self, so solid and grounded even in this vast open landscape. Even bundled up in his coat and hat, his face barely visible, she could see the kindness shining out. It was as if he were a lantern, so warm and bright… Eva could so easily just lean in and press her face to his, let their lips touch and—

The plan, the plan, the plan…

The words rang through her head like a siren, and Eva pulled back. Not realizing that shehadactually been leaning towards him. Finn pulled back too but didn’t seem offended at her wide, shocked eyes and hasty retreat. He just smiled. Forever smiling like the beacon of light he was.

She couldn’t. She couldn’t do this. She couldn’t forget what she had been trying to do. She wasn’t going to get out of an arranged marriage by acting like everything was fine, like she actually had any choice in this.

Because you don’t, she reminded herself.Don’t let yourself think you do. All you’d be doing is what they all expected from you all along. Like some dumb little puppet.

“I think we should get back,” Eva said.

Finn didn’t poke or ask questions, he just let it lie. He was giving her the choice to talk about the almost-kiss if she wanted or ignore it altogether. He was the only one who ever gave her choices.

CHAPTER14

EVA

As Eva and Finn had become more and more comfortable in the cabin, the rest of the stuffy formalities had fallen away. The dining table had been abandoned, and instead they were eating on the couch by the fire, the warmth washing over them, the room glowing orange with soft shadows. It looked like an ideal setting. Especially with Finn, dinner finished, dozing at the other end of the couch, his feet stretched out towards the fire.

Eva pushed her dinner around her plate, unable to force herself to eat another bite even though she should be ravenous. Mostly she just felt hollow, the thought of food making her throat close up. She’d barely eaten all day, anxiety twisting up her insides like some sort of horrific balloon animal.

This was all just sonice. Sitting here with Finn in silence, warm and comfortable. And Eva hated herself for it. She felt like she was betraying herself, the self that wanted more than anything to go back to New York, to the life she’d built for herself.

Worse, she was betraying Finn. And that wasn’t just a feeling, it was a fact. Not only had the plan failed to have Finn reject her with no blame on her shoulders and without him getting hurt, but now Eva couldn’t see a way this could endwithouthim getting hurt. Not if she wanted to go back home. But then she looked across to the other end of the sofa, watching Finn blink his eyes like a cat as he watched the fire, how his long fingers fiddled with the hem of his sweater, his hair in disarray for once and somehow still looking perfect. And the traitorous little thought would sneak into her head that would it really beso terribleto be married to a man like Finn? Then she felt like she was stabbing herself in the back, and the whole cycle started once again.

“What’s wrong?”

Eva jumped, her fork clattering against the plate, too loud in the warm, quiet room.

“What?” she squeaked, trying to act casual.

Finn smiled, again looking so much like a cat, sleepy and content. “You’ve been wound up all day. Worrying about something. So what’s wrong?”

Eva put her plate away on a side table, so he couldn’t see her fidgeting with it anymore.

“How do you know something’s wrong?” she asked, aiming to sound upbeat.

“Because you’ve been bouncing around like a wind-up toy all day.”

“Maybe this is just me reverting back to my natural state. Annoying. And a jerk.”

He scrunched up his face, thinking.

“No,” he said, shaking his head. “That’s not it either. This is different from how you were before. This is you thinking too hard about something.”

Eva scowled at him. “And what was I before?”

“A little kid throwing a tantrum. But that’s not really you, is it?”

“And you know who I really am? After what? A week?” She had been aiming for snarky and irreverent. She’d been aiming desperately for one last shot at driving him away of his own free will. But even to her, Eva’s voice just sounded small and sad.

Finn just smiled, small and sad to match her voice. “No, that’s the thing. I don’t know who you really are at all. Ihopethe real version of you is what I’ve seen in the last couple of days.”

“And what’s that? What have you seen?”

“Someone who’s fiercely intelligent,” responded Finn without a second's hesitation. “I’ve seen someone who is talented and artistic. A natural problem solver and a reluctant optimist—for example, dragging a rather depressed crown prince outside and forcing him to learn photography in an effort to stop him from slumping any further.”

He smiled a little at that, his eyes bright in the dim light. He knew exactly what she’d done that day and that it had all been for his benefit. Even if Eva was only just now realizing how obvious it was. No wonder he no longer bought her brat act.

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