Page 45 of Trading Yesterday

I wearily pulled my phone from the back pocket of my jeans and set it on the nightstand then began to peel off my clothes and changed into old knit shorts and a T-shirt from the stash I kept in the bottom drawer of Remi’s dresser. There was always a small nightlight on and I lifted the covers and crawled in next to my daughter and cuddled her. She smelled baby sweet from the bath she’d had earlier and I curled my body around hers, gently pulling her to me and kissing her on the temple.

“Love you, bunny,” I said, knowing she wouldn’t hear me. “Daddy, Jensey and Mommy are going to do everything we can to make you better. It’s going to be okay.” I kissed her again and closed my eyes getting ready to pray. Somehow, wrapped around Remi was more sacred to me than being on my knees since she was the subject of my prayers.

“Dear God, thank you for bringing Chase back to us. Please watch over and keep Remi safe. Please help her heal, and let Chase’s marrow match.” I tightened my arms around my little girl and she made a little murmur in protest and I pressed my forehead against her silky hair. “Please, save my baby and keep Chase in her life.” Silent tears started and tumbled out of my eyes, down my face and into my and Remi’s hair. I was filled with grief and desperation and I wasn’t even sure if the words were real or just in my head, but I felt every single one. “I won’t ask you to help him to forgive me, but please help him to accept things and ease his suffering. Also, please help Jensen feel better. I’m so thankful he’s with us. I know I’ve been unfair to him and he deserves to be happy. I have no right to ask any of this, but I’d give anything if those three could be safe and happy. Please take care of them. In Jesus’ name. Amen.”

I was softly crying by the time I was finished. It was a prayer I’d prayed a million times, always including Chase, even in our time apart.

I had placed my phone on vibrate and it started to buzz and I turned to grab it from the table, at the same time glancing at the screen.

“Chase” was blinking with each ring and I quickly swiped it open. “Hello?”

“Hey. Yeah, it’s me. I just wanted to check on you guys.”

“Remi is sleeping. We watched you, but she didn’t make it through the whole thing.”

“Yeah?” His voice seemed to light up. “I promised her I’d get two goals.”

“I know. She told me.” I sniffed and wiped the tears from my face with my free hand. “You were amazing.”

“Are you okay?”

“I’m just, worried.”

“It’s stressful. I’m freaking the fuck out. The waiting is killing me.”

“She seems tired,” my voice cracked. “Oh, God, Chase. I’m scared. She gets more tired when her white count is too high.”

His voice was soothing and matter of fact. “It’s gonna be okay, Teagan. I’ll be back late tomorrow night.”

I closed my eyes and more tears squeezed out, and then I said something I had no right to say. “I wish you were here, now.”

He paused for a beat and I could almost see the anguish on his face. “Me, too. I will be soon.”

“I’m trying so hard not to need you, Chase,” I said miserably, holding back a sob with the back of my hand to my mouth. “I know it’s wrong...”

“Teagan.” His voice was anguished. “Don’t. You don’t have a right to say that kind of thing to me.”

My face crumpled and I bit my lip hard, trying to keep from losing it as pain exploded inside me. He was right, but he was the love of my life. “I can’t help it.” My body was starting to shake with the effort of holding my emotions in. “You are the closest person to me, even if you’re half a world away. I’m trying… but can’t help it.”

Chase cleared his throat, obviously fighting his own pain, but his tone was determined. “Some things we don’t get to choose… they just are. It’s the hardest lesson in life, I think. We gotta get through this, for Remi. I can’t let old feelings rule me, Teagan. You made your choices, now we both have to live with it.”

I didn’t realize how painful seeing Chase again would be. I didn’t realize how just hearing his voice could break me. I wasn’t prepared for being yanked right back into the pain or the love just as if no time had passed.

A sob broke from me as my grief washed over me and I started to cry. I turned to bury my face in the pillow in an effort to hide the gravity of it from Chase or wake Remi. My free hand fisted into the pillow as I stifled a scream. I couldn’t take hearing him push me away every time I opened up and told the truth as I had in the car, and just now.

“Teagan?” Chase's voice was thicker and I could hear he wasn’t left unmoved. “Teagan!”

I rolled onto my side and pulled my knees up to my chest, still holding the phone to my ear. “I’m here.” My nose was clogged and I knew Chase would realize I’d been bawling my eyes out, but I was unable to mask it. “What time should I pick you up at the airport?”

“Uh…” He cleared his throat again. “I’ll call Kat to come get me. Then I’m going to ask her to go home. I assume Jensen is back in Atlanta, and Kat doesn’t need to witness the meltdown. I want Remi to be part of my family and I don’t want any of it colored by the mess.”

I understood what he meant. The fewer questions to answer and the fewer accusations hurled during the time we were fighting Remi’s leukemia, the better. Suddenly, I wanted off of the phone to suffer alone.

“Okay. “I’ll let you go.”

“You already did.”

I jerked as if he’d slapped me in the face as a giant gasp left me. It was hard to believe the Chase I loved would be so cruel. Was he the same man who held me and kissed me the other night?

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