Page 81 of When Sinners Dare

He sighs. “He’s got the jet scheduled, I presume, for Havana. Later today.” Good. That’s a family connection. Dante might be cross – furious even – but he’s not walking out completely. Not yet, anyway.

I pace around his office, the panic rising about if I could ever get through to Dante. “Why do none of you treat me like a Cortez? I proved I can run Apartment B, and I went and got our leverage and revenge. Even put Chance in his place. Me. I offered to be the one to marry into Ortega, but you refused. Why?” Abel doesn’t answer; he just looks at me like he’s weighing up what to say.

“Out of all of us, he was the kindest to you, and this is how you repay him.”

“Why are you rubbing salt in the wound? Would you be having this conversation if Chance had raped me? Would you be exiling Dante?”

“I’m not exiling you. You’ve done that to him all on your own.”

“Abel, listen-”

“No, Dante blamed himself for what happened to you. Since then, he’s looked out for you. We all have because, like it or fucking not, you are a weakness to the Cortez family. You make us vulnerable. Just like Wren makes Dante, and Lexi makes me. It’s why we are the way we are with you.”

“I wasn’t vulnerable when I did what you’ve failed to do. Go after revenge for Elias. And I wasn’t vulnerable when I pulled the fucking trigger to kill Chance. I did that. Me!”

“You’ll always be vulnerable to us. You’re a woman! Goddamn, Mariana. Fuck you and your pushing. You know what we do. You know how we hurt women. We’re the villains here, and you’re as fragile as any other piece of ass out there.” He frowns and sits on the desk as if trying to find words. “You want it honest? Here it is. Everything, and I mean everything, that goes through this goddamned mind about rape and killing and destroying is set deep in. It bleeds out of me, like it does for Dante. And the only thing, the only fucking thing we see is someone doing that to you. Brutally, without the slightest bit of fucking remorse … to get to us. Knox feels it, even Shaw feels it. You understand?” I look down for a second, trying to see his point of view. We might not be braiding hair or hugging, but this is the closest thing to a heart-to-heart that I’ve ever had with Abel. But for all our fury and fire about family and blood, we’re fractured and broken. “At least you've proved you can defend yourself to some fucking degree now.”

I breathe out, ready to speak my mind. “This is because you’ve all treated me like a weak link, though, or incompetent, or a nuisance for my entire life. Involved me, but not too much. Where do I fit, Abel?” I ask, wanting him to answer – needing an answer. “Because I don’t know. I’m in when it suits you all, but not all the way in. Follow this rule, date him, but not him. You can’t do this; you can do that. And as a result, the man I’m falling for nearly killed a man, and would have until I pulled the trigger; I killed our mother, and I’ve done something unforgivable that’s driven my brother away.”

“You’re putting all of this on me? On the family?”

“You’re the head of the family now. You have been for a while, even if Mother refused that notion. You had the perfect opportunity to wipe the slate. For all of us. To reset the wrongs and make change. But you didn’t. You wiped it to serve your own purpose. Revenge be damned, change be damned. Well, screw that. I thought you only needed proof that I was one of you. But even that isn’t enough!” I scream at him in frustration as I take a breath. Nothing is going to work. Not after this. “You knew what Mother did to me, what she’d do to get her way, and you did nothing and then only stood to take her place.” He walks to grab a drink and knocks it back.

“Dante called me a whore in front of Kai the other day. All because I spent the night with him.” I ease my voice, trying to bring this down a notch and nod towards the drinks. He pours me a measure of some amber liquid and hands it over. “And maybe I went too far, and that’s on me to carry, but this family only knows how to be together – if you can even call it that – when it’s hurting.”

We remain silent for a few minutes before I down the drink. The whiskey burns my throat on the way down, but I look up at him and hope to read something into his expression. Guilt, remorse, sadness – nothing shows on his face. No doubt he’s calculating the next move. He’s so often three steps ahead, but I’m not sure what path is in front of us after this.

“How did Mother command her authority? How did she make you all follow and listen? People even feared her in some regard.” She’d told me repeatedly that I’d never had to work for anything in my life, and that I’d had it easy compared to hers. While I don’t deny that, I don’t know why I’m not allowed the freedom to be the Cortez I want.

“She led a very different life to you. She was a cruel, hateful bitch. Nothing like you.”

“Are you sure about that? Because right now, that’s a pretty apt description from Dante.”

His back is to me, but I see the sigh leave his shoulders regardless. “You did good with the girl, Mariana. You’re finally starting to become what you should be.”

It’s a glimmer – a shred – and I want to grab hold and use it to repair some of the damage I’ve done, maybe build myself up somehow, but I can’t. I’m too broken. It’s all too fucking broken. “It’s a bit late for that, Abel.” So I stand and leave.

CHAPTER TWENTY - SIX

KAI

Three clients done this afternoon after the screw-up that was this morning, and I’m sitting out back in the small yard rather than try talking to any of these guys. Part of me wants to. It wants to go back inside and chat the afternoon away, maybe laugh about Jules’s obsession with dick and Blade’s grumpy-ass manner. Can’t, though. I’ve got too many other images rolling around my head now. They’re nothing to do with this place or the life I’m supposed to be leading. They're all about the complete opposite.

Bright, Texan sun streams down on me, and I can’t help but mutter about the pointlessness of it bothering. I'm embedding myself into the dark now. There's no denying it anymore. No trying to avoid it, either. I’m set right in and letting it consume my whole damn world. For her.

I pick up some dry dirt beneath me and rub it through my hands, as I stare at a wall to try organising my thoughts about that. Probably need my head looking at, but she’s inside me now and I won’t let go. Every second of time I’m passing through seems filled with memories or images of her. Some of it’s toxic as shit, but other times it’s soft and gentle and full of smiles. They’re the reason I’m going against everything so called civility tells me to do. At the moment, they're the reason for everything.

The door creaks open behind me, and I side-eye whoever it might be. Can’t even deny the fact that my gut instinct just told me to fight instantly at the sound, like everything around me is becoming a threat to defend against. It isn’t, though. Not this time, at least.

Richie walks over to the wall I’m staring at and gets in my view, her hands pressed behind her and her face quiet as I’ve ever seen it. “You need to talk?” she asks.

I shake my head and look at the ground I’m scuffing up. What’s there to talk about? None of this job seems real anymore. Like there’s no point to me even trying to pretend with it. I’d be better off working for Cortez and getting myself lost in their world. Looks like I’ll be damn good at it. As long as I keep keeping myself dead inside for some of it.

“Viper told me about what went down. Said Dragon brought you some shit,” she says, lowering to a crouch. A chuckle rumbles through me, hostile and drained. Some shit? That man doesn’t even recognise the shit he brings. It’s just him. No boundary around his level of fucked-up. “Said he heard it upstairs earlier today. You alright?”

I nod and think on Mariana’s face when I looked at her after he’d left. She was so damn hurt. Big brother knew exactly how to drive the knife in. What would I know, though? Never even met Wren. Certainly didn’t know anyone was in this family that didn’t understand what it was all about. I can’t even fathom the thought of him caring about someone enough to try keeping them away from what he is. And, by her own admission, Mariana does seem to have caused it.

Richie slumps herself down onto the ground near my Scout. "So, do you love her?”

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