Page 118 of Beneath the Surface

My baby nods his head, walks over to them, climbs up on the couch, and plops himself right between them.

Always so brave.

Anna’s eyes spark to life, the happiness shining through her blue gaze, soaking us in her joy.

Chase, who’s been sitting in the corner of the room silently up until now, chuckles. “You can’t say he doesn’t have an outgoing personality.” He looks toward me, smirking. “Wonder where he gets it from?”

Anna laughs, her hand smoothing down my baby’s head, and the sight of them together makes my heart somersault in my chest, aching for all of their missed moments, hoping they’ll get to make up for lost time.

* * *

Two hourslater and baby Chase is officially comfortable. He’s gone through the entire history of Spider-Man, and then Anna brought out the family photo albums. They’re flipping through them as she tells him stories. My eyes snag on one photo in particular of Lee, Becca, and me lying in the grass with cherry popsicles, all three of us grinning ear to ear.

My stomach cramps, grief at the loss of our friendship winding through my muscles.What I wouldn’t give to go back to simpler times.

Chase walks over, grabbing my baby boy at the waist and swinging him up on his shoulders. “Okay, I’m taking this little beast outside to play. Gotta show him the lay of the land, teach him all the good hiding spots.” He grins and winks, walking down the hallway and out the back door.

I know he’s doing it to give us the time alone, and while it needs to happen, it doesn’t make the reality any easier. With both Chases gone, there’s no buffer, and immediately the air in the room grows thick with tension.

Finally, I break the silence. “Thank you,” I say, my fingers twisting around my opposite wrist. “For being so kind to him.”

Anna tilts her head, her lips turning down in the corner. “He’s your baby. And you’reours.You don’t need to thank us for lovin’ on our family.”

That one sentence is enough to break down my wall of emotion, and tears blur my vision, my hands coming up to cup my face. “I’m so—so sorry,” I stutter through the hiccups.

Sam and Anna move in tandem until they’re flanking me, their arms embracing me like a cocoon. I can feel their breath on the back of my neck as tears seep through my fingers. Anna sniffles next to me, and I relax into their hold, allowing us to have the purge of emotion, for all the things none of us know how to say.

And it’s in this moment I know, that even through all the bad choices I’ve made, all the trials and tribulations I’ve been through; that God shone a light when he chose them as my parents. I’m lucky to have them, and I promise myself to never take advantage of that knowledge again.

It’s a while later that we finally wipe our faces dry, the weight on my shoulders feeling less burdensome than it has in years.

Anna sighs, sitting back, and running a hand through her strawberry locks. “I have so many things I wanna know, Lily, I won’t lie and say I don’t. And you hurt us when you left. You…” She purses her lips. “For years, I’ve felt like we failed you as parents. That maybe we selfishly made the choice to adopt you, because we wanted you so badly. Because we loved you so much. I’ve struggled with the idea that we weren’t what you needed. And I’m so sorry if we ever made you feel like you couldn’t come to us.”

My chest tightens, and I reach out, gripping her hand in mine.

“But I want,” she continues. “Ineedyou to know we aren’t mad at you, honey. We’re so, so proud of who you’ve become, and we’re so happy to have you back.”

Her love and acceptance wraps around me. “It’s hard for me.” I pause, glancing down at my lap, trying to find the right words to say. “It’s hard for me to talk about things, but I want to. I do. And I’m sorry I made you feel like you weren’t good parents. You’vealwaysbeen the only parents I’ve ever dreamed of having. My demons are from before our time together.”

Anna squeezes her eyes shut, her jaw clenching. Sam’s hand stops on my back. “And I can’t talk about it out loud. Not yet. But I want to try.”

“Okay,” Anna nods. “Okay.”

“I’m…” My voice catches on the knot in my throat, and I swallow, trying again. “I’m gonna go to therapy with Chase. And I thought… I thought maybe you two would like to come sometime?”

Anna smiles as wetness lines her lower lid, and Sam’s hand comes up to smooth down my hair. “Of course we will,” he says.

They don’t ask any more questions, even though I’m sure they’re dying to know.

They don’t badger me with guilt, or with blame.

They just surround me with their love, and for the first time since I was that little girl hula-hooping in the front yard, I feel a little bit of hope clinging to me like a second skin. And I like the way it feels.

55

Lily

I’ve finally worked up the courage to visit Derek. I had to borrow Lee’s car, and I told her I was job hunting, not ready to reveal his existence to anyone yet, some part of me still wanting to hold things close to my chest.

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