Page 50 of Always. Forever.

“Noo,” I cry out.

“Come on, we are going,” Toni states, pulling me away from the bar.

“No! He was there, Toni. He was there,” I shout, trying to wrench away. Toni is dragging me out of the club, and I swear I see Jace staring back at me from the bar, sad that I’m leaving him. I scream and swing my arms around.

“Rylee,stop!” Toni shouts, but I don’t stop. I keep swinging and screaming. My arms are connecting with something or someone, but I don’t care. Hands grab me and then arms wrap around me, stopping me from moving. I don’t stop screaming, I don’t stop crying. I don’t want to open my eyes because I know I won’t see him. He will be gone, and I can’t face losing him again. I cry and cry, unable to stop. I don’t know how much time I sit there crying with my eyes closed. I can hear hushed voices around me, not caring what they are saying. I want Jace, that’s all I want. An arm hooks under my legs and another supports my back, picking me up from the floor.

“Shh, I got you” is whispered in my ear. I rest my face on the hard broad chest, getting lost in the smell. It’s not Jace, as much as I wish I was dreaming and it was, it’s not, but whoever it is, feels warm and safe. I cry into the person’s chest, gripping onto them for dear life, hoping they won’t let me fall.

“No, don’t let me go. Please,” I cry out as they go to lower me.

“I need to get us in the cab, let me just put you down.” I’m not paying attention to who is speaking, but they place me down on something soft which I can assume is the back of the cab.

“Go to sleep, Ry,” the person murmurs, I grip onto their arm, needing to feel some comfort.

“I’m going to see Jace,” I whisper as I let sleep take me, hoping to see his beautiful face again.

Chapter Twenty-Eight

Three months later…

Doeslifegeteasierwhen you lose someone you love? I don’t think it does. I think you get better at dealing with the pain, at hiding it. You get so used to saying “I’m fine” that you start to believe it yourself, but when those nights creep in when it’s just you and your thoughts alone, that’s when you realize nothing got easier and the pain never went away. The pain is still very much there, lingering, waiting to shatter every façade you have built around yourself. You learn to live with that missing piece to the puzzle. A puzzle is never a full picture without it.

That’s what I feel like, without Jace, there is always something missing. I will be out walking and just stop on the street, thinking I have forgotten something. I will go all day trying to work out what I have forgotten or left at home. You come to realize you forgot nothing, you left nothing at home. Jace is that missing piece to the puzzle and is gone forever.

When people ask me how I’m doing, it’s always “I’m fine” with a smile. “The days are getting easier,” “Time is a healer,” that’s what it will always be, because how do you explain this feeling to someone? How do you explain this hollow emptiness you have in the pit of your stomach, day in and day out. You can’t. No one knows what to say to you, and to be honest, I don’t even know what to say to myself. So the generic answer is what I go with. You learn to smile again, you learn to laugh again, but when you lie in bed at night, you let the tears fall and start all over again the following day. I have learned to live like this, and I’m okay with it. Is it healthy? Probably not, but it’s what I have. I have my odd days when I wake up and smile and thank life I got to meet Jace and have him in my life, even if it wasn’t for as long as I wanted. I try to be grateful for just that, but it never lasts.

“Night, Rylee,” I snap out of the trance I was in. Harley peeks his head through my office door.

“Night, Harley. Have a good night.” I smile at him. The fake smile I have learned to plaster on my face.

After being off for six weeks, my work piled up big time. Everyone in the office did what they could, but there was a lot of work that only I could do, so I have been having to catch up with it since being back.

I must admit, wine has been my best friend most nights. Only one or two, but just something to calm my nerves and help me sleep. It numbs me too, which helps. I never go over two glasses, what happened three months ago when I went out with Toni has made me realize alcohol is not the answer. The night is a blur, but when I woke up and realized I was laying on a man’s chest on my sofa, I freaked out more than I ever have in my life. I thought the worst, and I was in an even worse state when I looked up and saw those blue eyes staring back at me. I was clinging to Cash like he was my lifeline, and I don’t remember how I even got there. When Cash explained I freaked out in the club where I met Jace for the first time and hit Toni multiple times to the point she had to ring him to come and get me, I was traumatized.

Cash didn’t look angry like I expected him to. He looked sad, slightly uncomfortable, which who the hell could blame him? His dead son’s girlfriend was hanging off him like a koala bear. When Cash said I begged him not to let go, he said he felt bad and that I was in a bad way. He was worried to leave me, apparently. I profusely apologized; he said it was fine. He left pretty quick after that, and I have spoken to him twice over text, and it’s been to say “Hi” and “hope you’re okay.”

Bridge and Bohdi ring me every week, they won’t forget me or leave me. I have people at work constantly checking in on me and saying if the work is getting too much, then I need to just say. But to be honest, it has helped me. I still think a lot but a little less now that work takes up most of my time. You could say I have turned into a workaholic. If I wake up in the night and can’t get back to sleep, I reach for my laptop and work. I don’t work from home anymore. That wasn’t helping, so I always come into the office. As much as I hate having to plaster on a fake smile, I know if I stay at home, I will get myself so deep into a hole I won’t be able to remove myself from it.

Bridge and Boh are coming for dinner tonight, and I’m so excited to see them. I was worried when we lost Jace I would lose them too, but they have treated me no different, if anything, I hear from them more than I ever have. I know they are doing the exact same as to what I am doing, pretending they are fine when deep down they are not. I can’t wait to see them for selfish reasons. They know what I am going through. I don’t have to pretend with them. I can share my grief with them, I can be miserable with them.

Once I’m home, I take a quick shower to freshen myself up. Bridge and Boh won’t be here for about another hour, so I put a couple bottles of wine in the freezer, as I forgot to put them in the fridge this morning, and go put on a nice skater dress with tights. I don’t need to dress up, but I don’t want to look sluggish when they come around. I apply minimal makeup and clip my hair up out of my face while I cook dinner. I’m cooking a pesto chicken pasta dish from a recipe I found online, there are all types of herbs and spices in, but the sauce sounded amazing! It’s a cheese sauce with wine, which I thought sounded strange but when I tried, it was delicious. It made me think of Jace straight away, he would have loved it.

I get the wine out of the freezer and pour myself a glass, then place the bottles in my fridge. It’s 6:00 p.m., they should be here soon. As if they heard my thoughts, my buzzer goes off, and I run to the intercom, letting them up, then open my door. The elevator doors are opposite my apartment, so when it opens, I stand there with a large grin as Bridge and Boh come into view. Then everything stops. Cash is standing behind them, looking straight at me.Did they say Cash was coming?

“Rylee, my beautiful girl,” Bridge says, taking my face in her hands and bringing me in for a tight hug. I peer over her shoulder at Boh grinning at me, obviously not realizing my shock. Cash is looking everywhere except at me. I don’t mind him being here, but he always brings an air of tension with him and I can never relax. Also, after what happened those months ago and not hearing from him, it is awkward. I wonder if Bridge and Boh know. They haven’t said anything.

I bring my attention back to Bridget. “Hi,” I say, giving her a squeeze back. She lets go, walking inside, and Boh comes up to me next.

“Hey, Ry.” He gives me a big squeeze that has my toes nearly leaving the floor as I try and get my hands around his broad frame. He lets go, then walks in the apartment behind Bridge.

Cash says, “Hi” while looking at the ground.

Normally, I can ignore awkwardness and act like things don’t happen, but I have a feeling Cash will make that impossible. He pushes a bottle of white wine in front of me. I look down and it’s my favorite sauvignon blanc. I look up at him.

“My favorite.”

He looks me in the eye for the first time since being here. “I know. I hope you don’t mind me coming. Bridge invited me. She said you would be fine with it, but judging by your face, I’m assuming you didn’t know?” He winces. I take the bottle of wine from him and plaster on a smile.

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