Page 42 of Always. Forever.

I realize we have been sitting here for quite a while, so I stand, thinking I should check in on Cash. I hover by the door, turning to Boh and Bridget.

“Should I check on him?” I whisper.

Bridget shrugs and Boh nods, and they look like they have the weight of the world on their shoulders. I push the handle down slowly and push the door open as quietly as I can. I peek my head around and my eyes well up again. Cash is lying next to Jace on the opposite side to where I was, one foot still on the floor, keeping him on the bed. He has Jace in the tightest hug he can manage and is crying into his neck. His shoulders violently shaking. I stand there not knowing if I should walk over or leave him. The words that come out of his mouth make my decision for me.

“Save me a space in heaven, my boy,” Cash croaks out. I walk over to the bed and rest my hand on Cash’s. His back is to me, but he brings his hand up from beside him and places it over mine, squeezing it like he also needs the support he gave me. I rest my face on Cash’s shoulder, and we just lie there in silence.

Cash breaks the silence. “We need to do this, Rylee, we need to let him go.”

“I know.”

I don’t make any attempt to move and neither does Cash.

After a while, he moves, so I lift my head off his shoulder and step back. I stare at him, and he nods while bringing me in for a hug.

“Let me go and get Boh and Bridge,” I say as I peel myself away from him.

“I’ll go get the doctor,” he whispers.

Both doctors enter the room, standing to the side, waiting for one of us to say something or give them the sign we are ready. When Cash nods to one of them, they walk around the bed, but my eyes stay on Jace the whole time. Panic fills me as I rush over and plant one last kiss on his forehead, not wanting to ever forget the feel of his skin on my lips.

“Until we meet again, my beautiful boy. Don’t be a stranger, come back and visit me in my dreams, Jace,” I whisper as close to Jace’s ear as I can, in the hope that with some kind of miracle, he can hear me. The tears cascade down my face as I walk back to stand between Bridge and Cash, struggling to keep myself upright, the weight of what is happening has always been there but now it’s at its heaviest. We all stand in a line at the end of the bed, waiting.

“Can I ask you to leave the room, while we remove the tubes. I will come and get you once the tubes are removed,” the doctor gently asks. I stand there rooted to the spot, not taking my eyes off Jace. I look at Cash with desperation. “Please, Cash. We can’t do this. We can’t turn those machines off.”

“Rylee, don’t make this harder than it needs to be,” Cash begs. I glance over at Jace, everything collapsing around me. Cash slowly pulls me back as sobs come from him. I don’t want to make this harder but how can I let him go. Cash drags me back and then Jace is no longer in sight, the door is closed in front of me as I drop to the floor, as if my world has been ripped away from me in a blink of an eye. I slam my hands on the floor, screaming for Jace while Bridget crouches down, holding me while we cry with each other.

Minutes later, the doctor comes out of the room, signaling for us to enter. My body moves on autopilot. We all stop in a line, waiting with bated breath, staring at Jace. He seems so at peace. I approach Jace with a sense of tranquility. I have seen him like this hundreds of times.

I gaze over his face and then down to his chest. I freeze as a sob escapes me. “His chest,” I cry out. “It’s not moving.” The silence crashes into the room, the machine is no longer beeping, the machine is no longer breathing for him. The silence takes us out one by one. Everything in my life, in my soul stops along with him. Looking at the love of my life, the pain is like nothing I have ever felt before. He’s gone, and he’s not coming back. I stand there, staring at him and crumble as I realize this will be the last time I say this to Jace’s face. “I will love you. Always. Forever.”

They say a heart will break but it still keeps beating. I wish mine didn’t.

Chapter Twenty-Two

Myphonehasbeenringing nonstop for three days now. The names and numbers are all blurring together. I know Toni has been ringing me the most. She has been knocking on my apartment door too, shouting through, telling me she has left stuff outside since I won’t answer. I don’t collect whatever it is. I know she is worried about me, but I don’t have the energy to care, in all honesty.

The numbness wore off. My whole body aches, and I’m either lying here staring at the ceiling with no thoughts other than Jace, drowning myself in tears, or I’m smashing up everything in sight that reminds me of him. I’m angry and sad, all in one. I keep praying he will come back to me in my dreams and tell me he loves me, but he doesn’t.Why won’t he come back?

I can’t stop sleeping because I get a buzz knowing I’m going to fall asleep and that I might feel his touch and see his blue eyes staring back at me with that big bright smile on his face. He doesn’t though. I turn around, letting the silent tears fall from my eyes and soak into the pillow. The pillow is constantly wet from my tears. I haven’t changed them since Jace slept in them last, and I can’t bring myself to. His smell is fading, shattering the little fragments of what is left of my heart every time I try and chase it. I can’t move anything of his, and I keep praying I will wake up and he’ll be walking through the door. I know it won’t happen, I know, but I just can’t stop wishing and hoping.

The pinging noise on my phone starts again. I know I can’t keep ignoring people, but I don’t want to speak to anyone.Why can’t I just be left alone.It’s Toni again. I love her, I really do but the thought of even having to talk to someone makes my head feel heavier. It’s too much energy, too much faking I’m okay when I’m not. The minute you say, “I’m not okay,” they want to help, but they can’t. There is nothing they can do.

My other half, my world, has been taken from me and is not returning. What can they really do? Nothing. I take a deep breath, roll onto my back, and answer the phone. I know she just needs to hear my voice. I know what she’s thinking, she’s a worrier and always imagines the worst, so I have sent her a couple of texts with an “xo” just so she knows I’m okay and I’m just having time to myself and don’t want to talk. She is a precious soul. I know she just wants to hear my voice. She has been my rock through a lot of stuff, so the least I can do is answer her phone call.

“Hey,” I croak out, realizing I haven’t drank any water in a while and my throat hurts a lot.

“Hey, my precious girl,” she whispers. I don’t say anything else. There isn’t really anything to say, I can’t engage in normal conversation because I don’t care what is going on in the world or in other people’s lives. As selfish as it sounds, I don’t care at all.

“Can I come around and see you?”

“No.” She doesn’t say anything.

“I’m sorry, Ton, I just can’t. I can’t do it. I can’t see people and try and act like everything is okay when it’s not. I tried so hard when Mom died to be strong, and I did it. I could have got an Oscar for how I acted around people when Mom died. I made out I was fine when I wasn’t. I cried myself to sleep for nights, Ton. I’m not doing that again, I can’t. Not with Jace.” My voice is now raised with tears pouring out of my eyes. As if that was sitting on my chest, I burst out sobbing down the phone to Toni, and she does exactly what I want her to do. She just listens. She lets me sob my heart out.

“I want you to do me a favor, Ry,” she cries out.

“What?” I mumble.

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