Page 41 of Always. Forever.

“When I found out about the drugs and prostitution when she was pregnant, it was like the blindfold was finally lifted and I could see her for what she was. She did hide it well from me, but after she told me, she stopped applying the heavy makeup and trying to make herself look like someone she wasn’t. She no longer looked angelic, no longer dressed in her cute summer dresses, and instead she would wear miniskirts with tiny crop tops, she stopped applying the concealer to her track-covered arms. She was the devil in disguise, but she gave me a meaning to life, she gave me Jace, and he triggered something in me the day he was born. No one else mattered except him, and I promised myself I would do anything and everything to keep him safe,” he sobs out the last sentence.

“I couldn’t even do that.” Tears pour from Cash’s eyes. His shoulders crumple as he cries and cries into his hands.

On instinct, I grab Cash and hug him as best as I can. With how big he is, compared to me, it’s hard, but I know he needs to lean on someone now, and I want to be that someone. We cry together, cry for Cash losing the son he cherished more than anything, and cry for me, for losing the one person that meant everything to me. We cry until we can’t cry anymore. Cash slowly pulls away from me.

“I didn’t mean to break down on you like that. Just the memories of seeing him come into this world, I never thought I would be around to see him leave it.”

Talking to Cash was a little escape of reality, it didn’t take my mind off things, as everything was still based around Jace, but it just felt like we were having a casual chat. It didn’t feel like we were talking about someone who won’t be on this earth for much longer. Cash saying he never thought he would see Jace leave this world brings everything crashing back. I feel like a huge weight has been placed back on my shoulders. My body is slowly breaking down again.

I glance at the doors and then back at Cash, silently telling him we need to go back in there, back in the cage, the doom of what we don’t want to come. He nods and we both go to step but then Cash reaches out and grabs my arms, stopping me. I turn around and look at him.

“There was a point to me telling you all that, Rylee. I want you to know how after me telling Jace everything about his mom, he went into a dark place. Then you came along and brought him out of that dark place and made him the happiest he has ever been.” A ghost of a smile graces his lips.

“I want you to know, I’m thankful for you being in his life, Rylee. You brought my son back to us and made him see that not all women are like his mom. He loved you more than anyone on this earth. I just wanted you to know that,” he whispers and walks past me, opening the door, waiting for me to walk in. I raise my hand, signaling one minute to him. He nods, letting go of the door and disappearing from my sight.

I stand there unable to move, unable to do anything. The weight of everything once again comes crashing down on me like a boulder. Smashing me into pieces. I stare at the door, thinking back to what Cash said about me bringing Jace back. “I might have brought him back to you then, but I can’t now . . .”

Chapter Twenty-One

Thedayhaspassedin a blur. Not long after coming back in, Cash wanted to speak with us all. What came out of his mouth, crushed my soul. Everything around me spun when I heard the words, “We can’t keep holding on to hope when there is none. I keep thinking what Jace would want, and he wouldn’t want this. He wouldn’t want us to keep praying for hope and sitting around the bed watching a machine breathe for him. We need to let him go. I want to tell the doctors to turn the machine off tonight. I just want us four there with him, no one else.” He spoke the words like he had rehearsed them a million times, and he probably had in his head. In my head, I was screaming no, but I had to agree, Jace wouldn’t want any of this.

People have come and gone, and I have stayed clear of the room or even speaking to anyone. I need this time to myself. I haven’t been able to eat anything all day. This is like nothing I have ever felt, it’s like the gates of hell are only around the corner and I’m heading straight for them. I’m sitting in a quiet waiting room, and luckily no one has been in here today. It has just been me and my thoughts. Memories of Jace, and all the fun times we had.

In a way it’s like my whole life has flashed before my eyes, knowing that as of tonight, my Jace will no longer be with us. I keep wondering how I am taking this so well. Over the last week, I had my days, but deep down, I always knew this was coming. It doesn’t make it easier, but my mind is lagging, having trouble catching up with the present. My heart is in the present, it hurts so much, the ache I constantly have, and the emptiness, it’s like I have turned hollow. I thought sitting in this room today would make my day go slow, drag out the inevitable, but it hasn’t. I have been so caught up in my feelings that it flew by.

There is a knock at the door, and the minute I see the doctor’s face, I know it’s time. My stomach sinks, as if it’s dropping into hell, waiting for me to come get it, and where Jace is, is the room to hell. This is it. I told Cash, Bridget, and Boh earlier today I didn’t want to be in the room when they said their goodbyes. I want to do mine on my own. Being in there with them would be too much.

As I walk out of the room into the hallway, Bridget and Boh are cuddled up on the chair outside Jace’s room, sobbing into each other. Cash is nowhere to be seen but then walks out of the room, looking straight at me. He pushes his lips together, trying to give me a tight smile, but smiling is impossible at this moment.

I walk up to Cash. “Have you . . .” I look down, not finishing the sentence, but Cash must know what I mean.

“Not yet, I’m going to go in last, if that’s okay. They said we can all be in there together when they do it.” He points to the door and walks away, he can’t bring himself to say it, and I don’t blame him. I can’t either. I stare at the door and imagine it black with flames coming out of it. Associating a room that Jace is in like hell is probably not the norm but it’s literally how I feel. Saying goodbye to Jace has to be what utter and complete hell would feel like, and I don’t want to be anywhere near it. I take a deep breath, putting my hand on the handle. I close my eyes, counting to ten.You can do this, Rylee.Bridget and Boh crying behind me sends me forward. I have to do this, I will regret it for the rest of my life if I don’t.

The room is so silent, and it doesn’t have the feel it did before, although I hated seeing Jace like this, being near him made me calmer. Now my heart is racing so fast I could pass out. My mind is running 1000 mph.Where do I even start, what do I say?

I walk up to the bed, bringing my hand up to his face, which is slightly uncovered now. It has cuts and scabs all over the visible part, but it’s like they wanted us to be able to see more of him. I touch the areas not harmed, his skin is smooth. I let my fingers trace down to his lips. I brush them along, I always loved his full lips. It was one of the first things I noticed about him.

“Hey, babe.”

Is this really goodbye? Am I actually doing this?I never in my life thought I would have to say goodbye to Jace.

“I really don’t know what to say, Jace. I always thought you were going to wake up and come back to me, never in a million years did I ever see myself standing here having to do this.” There is a small gap next to him I know I’ll be able to fit into. I squeeze in and lie on my side, pretending we are lying in bed at home. I lay my hand on his chest, reveling in the rise and fall.

“I love you so, so much. There are no words to describe how I feel for you.” I take a minute, gathering my thoughts.

“I knew from the moment I saw you, I was yours. I was always waiting for the other half to me, and I just knew deep down you were it after that night. I’m so thankful I got to meet you and got to share six years with you. It was such an honor to have been loved by you. You gave love a meaning, you are the meaning, the definition of it.” Tears fall down my face as I try and hold myself together.

“You will never be forgotten, Jace. I will think about you every second of every day. I don’t know if life is worth living without you now that I know what life is like with you. I can’t imagine it, but I keep thinking what you would want, and I know you would want me to live. You told me so. I will, Jace. It might take me a while to get there, but I promise you, I will. I have so many unanswered questions, but I’m not going to dwell on them because I will never know the reason. I will never know why this happened but what I do know is”—I bring his arm up to my chest and hold it across my heart—“you will always live in here,” I say, thinking back to what he told me in my dream.

I lay my head down, cuddling into him, letting the tears fall down the side of my face onto his chest.

“You took my heart and now you’ve left it in pieces. If my love could have saved you, you would have lived forever.” The weight of everything comes crashing down on me, and I slide out of the bed, drop to the floor, and scream. Everything I have held in today and yesterday, it all comes out. Life is so unfair, I’m so crushed, this agony is unbearable, and it won’t stop. I don’t think it ever will. I shouldn’t be here saying goodbye to the love of my life.

Cash rushes in and drops down next to me, cradling me to his chest. “Shh, shh, I got you, Rylee.”

“Let it out,” he whispers, and I do, I let it out onto Cash. I cry and scream until I can’t cry anymore and my voice is croaky. I know Cash hasn’t said his goodbye yet. So I sit up and lean back.

“I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have done that, you haven’t yet.” It’s me who can’t say it this time. I stand, turning around to Jace, knowing I will be back in here soon to see him take his last breath. I put my hand on Cash’s arm and then exit the room. Boh and Bridget are still sitting on the chairs, and seeing me sends tears trickling out of their eyes again. I sit between them, and we all hold each other, not saying a word, just sitting with each other and holding each other up.

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