Page 60 of Beautiful Desire

“It’s….” I take a deep breath and will myself to be able to tell him without getting sick like last night.

I was up all night, not able to sleep and vomiting at what I witnessed. I stayed huddled in the corner, knees pulled up to my chest, arms wrapped around my legs, rocking back and forth, trying to will the images from continuing.

“I have to kill someone,” I say in barely a whisper.

I’m not even sure if I said it out loud at all because he stands stock still, not saying anything. Even though it’s pitch black in this alcove, I can still see the whites of his eyes and can make out that he’s blinking.

Clearing my throat, I begin to tell him again. “I have—”

He cuts me off by waving a hand in my face. I can’t really see it, but I can feel the small breeze it brings with the movement.

“I heard you,” he whispers back.

Thank God. I really don’t think I could stomach telling him again.

“How…” Clearing his throat, he tries again. “How do you know? Are you sure?” he whisper-shouts this time.

Nodding my head, I realize he can’t see that. “Yes, I’m sure. I saw it.”

And continue to see it every time I close my eyes or blink.

But I don’t say that.

“You saw it?!” he yells.

“Shhhh, keep your voice down.”

“Sorry,” he says quietly.

“Yes, I saw it last night. Alessio was gone for a while, and he promised he would come straight to me once his initiation was over, but he never did…”

My mind wanders back to last night as I tell him what happened.

* * *

I’m in Alessio’s room helping him get ready. Papa had a special suit picked out for both him and Armando to wear, so I’m helping him get dressed. We have just finished doing up his tie when our father comes in and tells him it was time to go.

The excitement in the air is electrifying. I’ve never seen my father this happy before, ever. He’s like a little kid on Christmas morning, bouncing on the balls of his feet and talking about how this is going to be the best night ever. I quickly give my brother a hug and walk out of his room with both of them.

Before we go our separate ways, Papa shakes my hand and says, “You’re next, son.”

I go back to my room and try to keep myself busy as I wait for Alessio to return. He promised me that he would come to my room when he was done to tell me all about it, and in this family, we keep our promises.

The hours on the clock are ticking away, and my brother is still nowhere to be seen. I know he wouldn’t go back on his word, not to me, and I begin to get worried. I have no clue what happens on initiation nights, so I don’t know how long he is going to be gone or if he is even still here in the house.

Unable to stay in my room any longer, I head for my door. Opening it quietly, I peek my head out into the hallway, trying to hear anything, but I can't. That’s not unusual, given the massive house we live in.

Stepping into the hallway, I head for Alessio’s room. His door is still shut, so I turn the knob quietly in case he’s inside. As it opens, I peer inside, but it’s pitch black, and I can’t see a thing. When I turn on the light, I’m met with an empty room, and everything is exactly the same way it was an hour or so ago.

Careful not to touch anything, I return his room to the way it was before I entered and make my way downstairs. All the lights are off in the hallway, but thankfully, we have nightlights everywhere to line my path so I can see where I’m going. Once I make it to the bottom of the stairs, I head in the direction of my father’s office. I have no clue where they could be, but if they’re here, that’s most likely the spot.

I slow my steps and make myself as quiet as possible, because we arenotallowed anywhere near Papa’s office unless he calls us to meet him there. The last time one of us got caught outside his office trying to eavesdrop, we got backhanded across the face, making chewing and talking difficult, and had a nice bruise for a week. If I get caught tonight, there’s no telling what he’ll do to me.

The dark wooden door is finally in sight. I stop behind a pillar and look around, making sure none of my father’s men are here. Papa might not have a problem laying a hand on us, but he at least has a limit as to how much damage he’ll inflict upon his own children. His men, on the other hand, don’t care and will beat the living shit out of us. They know they can, because if we told Papa we were snooping outside his office, he would probably hit us as well and thank his men for “putting us in our place” and doing their job.

Not seeing or hearing anything at all, I make my way across the space and place my ear up against the door, straining to hear anything on the other side, but once again, nothing. I’m not stupid enough to open it and find out if they’re inside. That’s a surefire way to get yourself killed. It doesn’t matter that I’m the don’s son; he’ll still shoot, if just for principle and to show his men he doesn’t have a weakness. If he can shoot his own flesh and blood, he’ll have no problem killing them, too.

I quickly back away from the door and continue my search through the rest of the house, but come up empty. I’m just about to pass the kitchen and head up the stairs back to my room when I hear something. Stopping in my tracks, I look around to make sure I’m still alone and hear the noise again. It sounds like it’s coming from the cellar door.

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