Page 63 of Madness

I’d never seen this side of him. I didn’t think it was possible for him to be relaxed. Playful. He was always so on edge. He’d only ever been angry or stoic with me. My heart fluttered as I snuggled closer to him.

“Black. My favorite color is black.”

“Shocking.” I deadpanned. “I suppose you already know my favorite color because you know everything about me.”

“Purple.” I rolled my eyes at his quick response.

I turned in his arms until I was straddling his lap. His blue eyes were everywhere, like he was trying to memorize my face. With one hand on his chest, I reached up with the other and pushed a curl that had fallen to his forehead. My hand moved down his face, smoothing a furrow in his brow before running through his stubble. The sharp hair rough along my palm.

“Tell me something we have in common. Something no one else knows.” I rubbed back and forth, surprised when he leaned into my touch for a second. He closed his eyes like he was pulling on a memory. His heart stuttered beneath my palm as if whatever he was thinking about was visceral enough to cause a physical reaction.

“I also know what it’s like to be hungry. To wonder where or when your next meal is coming.” His deep voice rumbled through me. “Before my father… found me, I lived with my mother. She was a prostitute and a junkie. She thought she hit it big when she got pregnant with a Mafia boss’ baby, but he wanted nothing to do with her. So she took off before he could make her have an abortion.”

His words tore into my chest, ripping at my own wounds. I wondered if he’d ever told anyone this before. If these stories had been festering in him for years. Eating away at whatever was left of his soul.

Would the world be a better place if he had been aborted? It was a terrible thought. But… he was a murderer. The only thing I knew was that my world would’ve been less without him in it. I could no longer picture my life free of Maddox. I no longer wanted to.

“I think she always planned on going back. I don’t know if she thought she could sell me to him or if he’d take care of her because she was my mother, but that wasn’t the case. Like I told you, he killed her. But before that, we lived in decay. Our apartments were barely a step above living on the streets. She’d bring her clients home while I was there, making me hide in the closet while sheworked.Any money she made went up her nose. I learned to steal from her clients so I could feed myself. She also made it clear every day that she hadn’t wanted me. That I was a pawn in this game with my father.”

I could feel my heart bleeding in my chest. Ripping apart for a little boy who had never been loved. Whose parents had looked at his existence as a burden instead of a gift. It was no wonder he was the way he was. He’d gone from an abusive mother to a ruthless father. Not a single person had shown him kindness. Shown him what it meant to care for him.

He’d told me before that he’d been born this way. Maybe that was true. But maybe if he’d had loving parents, he wouldn’t have ended up like this. He could’ve been your everyday psychopath. The coworker who lied for a promotion instead of a Mafia killer.

I wanted to tell him I was sorry. That she didn’t deserve to be his mother. But I knew he wouldn’t want my pity. Flames roared to life inside me. I’d never wanted to hurt a person more. I wasn’t violent by nature, but I couldn’t stand the idea that the person who gave life to him valued it so little. I cupped his cheeks as the rage burned in my eyes.

“If she were still alive, I’d kill her for what she did to you.” Maddox’s eyes flicked between mine before a smirk crossed his face.

“My little dove turning into a monster to protect me.” He chuckled as he pressed a kiss to my lips. It seemed crazy to think we’d gone so long without kisses because now he gave them to me freely. “Okay, we’ve dug through my family history. Your turn.”

“What? Don’t you know already?” I tried to deflect. It was wrong. I wanted him to open up, but I didn’t want to do the same. It wasn’t fair to him. I cleared my throat. “My mother was great. My best friend. She died of cancer last year, and I miss her every day.”

“I’m sorry, Kincaid.” The sincerity in his voice helped soothe the ache.

It seemed silly to not talk about someone I loved so deeply. Why did we do that? Why did we ignore the dead like they hadn’t mattered? Was it to protect ourselves? To hide from the memories. It was insane. Memories were all I had. I should be pouring them out. Reliving them every chance I could.

Maybe the loss was still too new. I hoped I could talk about her in time because I didn’t want her to fade away. I didn’t want to forget the sound of her voice. Or her handwriting. Or the way her eyes crinkled when she smiled.

“And your father?” Maddox’s voice ripped me open for a new reason. This was easier to talk about. Anger always was.

“He’s never been in my life.” My body itched to let some of the anger out. “He’s a politician. It wouldn’t look good for his image to have a kid outside of his picture-perfect marriage.”

“Have you ever spoken to him?” He rubbed up and down my bare legs. His touch calming some of the flames.

“I’ve always known who he was. But…um.” Tears burned my eyes, but I refused to let them fall. “After my mom died, I went to him for money. I didn’t have enough for a proper burial. He told me if I ever showed up at his office again, he’d have me arrested for harassment.”

I stared down at the tattoos on his chest, unable to meet his gaze. My own father didn’t want me; why would Maddox? It seemed so naïve to think any of this was real. I wasn’t pretty enough. Rich enough to be with someone like him. Yes, he was a criminal, but he was also at the top of the hierarchy. He had money and power. Something I would never have.

Maddox brought a finger to my chin, lifting my head until I was forced to meet his penetrating stare. “Do you want me to destroy him for you?”

“What?” I searched his eyes to see if he was serious. To see if he would really destroy someone for me. The hard set to his jaw told me he would. I thought back to Rodney, who I hadn’t seen since he’d attacked me. Maddox already had destroyed someone for me. “You- you can’t kill him.”

He was a bastard, but he was still my father. I didn’t want to be responsible for anyone’s death.

“I said destroy, not kill,mia amata.”

“What’s the difference?” The words were out of my mouth before I could stop them. Why was I asking? This was insane. I couldn’t allow this to happen. “Wh-what would you do to him?”

“I’d find his secrets and show them to the world.” His eyes darkened as if he was picturing how my father would crumble before him. “You could watch while he loses everything. See him feel as helpless as you did.”

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