Page 39 of Madness

22

Kincaid

Iwinced as I shifted in bed. Shit, it hurt to be thrown to the ground. I turned the next page in my book, trying to ignore the memories that wanted to push into my mind. I was doing an excellent job of living in delusion. Reading was helping.

Instead of looking for a new job, I spent most of the morning finishing a small-town romance novel. I wondered if those places really existed. How was it possible that there were towns where everyone knew your name? Knew your parents and helped after their death. I’d never been to a place like that, but I’d never left this city. Not having money hindered the whole ‘exploring the world’ thing.

I knew I’d have to give this up soon. I couldn’t waste away in bed. I was allowing myself to have the day. It would hurt my already meager bank account, but I just couldn’t do it. My body needed to heal, and my mind wasn’t ready to process what had happened.

It wasn’t only Rodney’s attack and my obvious lack of employment but also what Maddox had done. He’d beaten a man nearly to death in front of me. And…I wasn’t afraid of him. I should’ve been running for the hills. Packing up whatever I owned and getting as far away from him as possible. But I wasn’t.

I knew he killed; he’d told me. It should’ve been different actually witnessing it. But it wasn’t. Rodney had deserved that and more. He deserved a shallow grave where animals could pick at his corpse. I’d never enjoyed violence, but I could admit there were times when it was necessary.

I could’ve gone to the police, except I knew what would happen. They would ask me what I was wearing. If we’d had a previous relationship. If I’d flirted with him. If I’d actually said no. Then I’d have to live through an embarrassing exam. After, they’d put my file in the bottom of their drawer and move on to the next. Even if they’d arrested him, even if he were convicted, nothing would happen to him. He’d serve six months, maybe. Drug dealers got worse. The system valued a woman’s body less than a dime bag.

No, I didn’t need that. I already had enough judgment in my own head. Rodney had gotten a beating, and I’d never have to see him again. It meant finding a new job, but I hated working there anyways. A knock on my door drew my attention.

I winced again as I lifted off the bed and crossed the room. Tessa blew into the apartment the second the door opened. I wasn’t bothered by the fact that I was only wearing an old white tank top and boy short underwear; we were the kind of friends where that didn’t matter. I’d seen her naked enough times at the club.

“Girl, you disappeared again last night.” She said without even glancing at me. “Did you win the lottery and not tell me? How can you afford to miss work?”

“Well I-“

“Oh, my God.” She cut me off when she finally looked at my face and saw the finger-shaped bruises on my cheek and jaw. “What happened?”

She pulled me into a tight hug. Even though it hurt, I didn’t want her to pull away. I let out a long sigh as I absorbed the loving touch. Other than my mother, no one hugged me. It had been a long time since someone had shown me any kind of affection.

“Rodney corned me in his office.” I said when she eventually let me go. I limped over to my bed, and Tessa followed. We put our backs to the wall as we sat side by side.

“I knew he was a creep.” She angrily said. “I guess that explains where he went last night. Did you kick his ass?”

“No…um.” I cleared my throat. “Maddox kind of beat him up when he caught him on top of me.”

“Huh.” Tessa ran a hand through her dark locks. “Maybe he’s not as bad as I thought.”

I laughed. “What? How does that make sense? He beat someone nearly to death, and that makes you like him.”

She shrugged. “Anyone who protects you is okay in my book.”

“He could easily kill me if he wanted.”

But would he?

He kept saying he was going to break me. Kill me. But he’d never hurt me except in a pleasurable way. I knew he was a demon. I saw it in him. I knew he killed. So why did my fear lessen with each encounter with him? Was Tessa right; was protecting me enough for my feelings about him to change?

I was in too much pain to figure it out right now.

“We’re all capable of killing under the right circumstances.” There was a heaviness in her voice as she spoke.

She wasn’t lying. I would have killed Rodney last night. If it had meant my life or his, I would’ve hurt him without a second thought. The world was full of people who had killed in self-defense. In fits of passion. But wasn’t there a difference between that and what Maddox did?

He killed in cold blood. Because he enjoyed it. He was a psychopath. But he’d been raised that way. Could I really fault him for the situation he’d been born into? Like me, he had no choices.

Was I seriously trying to reason away why it was okay for me to want him? Yes, that’s exactly what I was doing. I groaned and knocked my head back against the wall.

“I’ll let you rest.” Tessa tapped my thigh lightly as she got up again. “Let me know if you need anything while you’re looking for a new job.”

I knew I’d never take her up on that kind offer. She might have more than me, but not enough. I nodded and smiled at her as she walked out the door.

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