Page 12 of Double Devotion

“I told you that I wasn’t going to allow you to put yourself down. Not everything we want can happen in our lives; life has its own pace when it comes to handing out gifts, even those that we don’t like as much. What’s important to remember is that even during the worst of times, there’s a shred of good. Otherwise, why bother, don’t you think?”

Stunned and sober, I lightly nod.

“Yes, you’re absolutely right, I truly hope that someday I’ll be able to see life that way.”

“Be grateful. At least you have a child.”

“Thank goodness,” I reply, surprised.

“How long were you married before you got pregnant?” he asks.

“Two months,” I reply victoriously. I sit at his side and sense the significance of this matter to him.

“Why was it so important to you to have children that quickly? Do you regret it?”

“When I found out that I was pregnant, it was the thing I wanted most. I wanted to commit to the marriage in order to start a family; otherwise, I didn’t see the point in having a ring. And no, I don’t regret it one bit,” I clarify. “Becoming a mom is the best thing that has ever happened to me and, as God is my witness, it wasn’t easy and the price was, and still is, heavy. But I’m a believer,” I reply proudly. “I feel that Roy’s spirit was summoned from above and, when we tied ourselves to one another, Matthew and I, I had the greatest miracle of my life.”

“Do you see?” he replies angrily. “Some people look down on that miracle, they look down on love! They only care about their image, their career and money. Their egos only intensify their loneliness. Listen,” he adds, willing to unload his pain to me. “I dated my ex, Dawn, for three years. You must have heard of her.” He smiles bitterly. It was clearly evident that I knew everything about him. I nod embarrassedly and he continues.

“So, everything was great, you know, like in every relationship. She was very dear to me, I love her, I trusted her, I gave her things that every woman could only dream of. And no, I don’t mean things that can be bought with money.”

I smile warmly. I appreciate that so much more; he’s so sensitive.

“I was there for her, I empowered her, I complimented her, I always encouraged and supported any path she chose. We were happy together, or at least, so I thought.

“Dawn is actually a B-list actress who started off as a lingerie and Playboy model,” he goes on. “She really is very beautiful, in every way. She was also very good to me, supportive and loving. We lived in the same worlds and had plenty in common. We managed to find the right balance: having a healthy relationship and sometimes being away from each other due to our demanding careers and lifestyles.

“Anyway,” he continues, “last Valentine’s Day, I bought a ring and proposed. I produced one of grandest and most well-thought-out marriage proposals you could imagine. She immediately said ‘yes’. Three months later, well into our lives and crazy day-to-day commitments, along with our slow preparations for the wedding, her phone rings. I answered it because I saw ‘Dr. Bell’s’ name on the screen, and I thought it might have been important.

‘Hello, Dawn isn’t available right now, would you like her to call you back?’ I asked.

‘No,’ the doctor replied. ‘I just wanted to remind Dawn that she has to take her pills twice a day for three days in a row. In case she has any pain or spikes a fever, she should get to the ER immediately.’

‘A fever?’ I replied. ‘What pills? What’s going on? Can you tell me?’

‘Sorry,’ she replied. ‘There’s doctor-patient confidentiality. If you’d like to, you can ask Dawn.

Naturally, I was very upset and tried to think of what the hell was going on with her and what she was hiding from me. So, I sat on the couch, trying to retrace our last couple of weeks, like an idiot. Had I noticed something different about her? Was she sadder than usual? Was she ill? Nothing came to mind.

She returned and sat down next to me.

‘Your doctor called,’ I told her straightforward, as if she had told me everything. ‘This is your only chance to tell me what’s been going on with you, and what the hell you’ve been hiding from me.’

“One thing led to the next, and you won’t believe what I’m about to tell you,” he continues telling me, excitedly. “She told me that she was pregnant, seventh week, and that she decided on her own that this wasn’t the right time as she felt she was too young and unprepared to be a mother. She said that she didn’t want to make me go through it.

“Now, just so you get it,” he continues, agitated, “she’s twenty-seven years old. She isn’t a child. In any case, she took the pills to abort the pregnancy. She didn’t share anything with me or ask anyone’s advice. She didn’t ask for my consent and thought she could keep it from me. Let me ask you, Sam, is that a normal thing to do? Especially when she knew very well what I had been through and how badly I wanted to start a family of my own? I was in shock! My entire world collapsed! Everything shattered. I felt that all those years we had been together, everything we felt, it was all a lie. After all, if the person you love won’t share such an important thing with you, what meaning did the relationship have? Then, the pain turned into rage.

“I yelled at her. How dare she lead me on like that. And why was she wasting my time? See, Sam I’ve been waiting all my life for a child to fill in the void and the vacant space in my life. All I’ve ever wanted was to start a family and a home of my own. The whole package: marriage and children. Is that too much to ask for? But that’s just one classic example of this glamorous life that everyone wants, and I’m revolted by in every possible way.”

“Oh honey,” I wipe a stubborn tear away and softly caress his shoulder. “It sounds so awful; it must have been devastating.”

“Yes,” he looks at me with his sad, deep ocean-blue eyes. “Totally,” he admits sincerely. “No one deserves such a thing.

“Of course, we instantly broke up. I threw her out. While she was packing her things, I asked her again, ‘why’? Guess what she answered.”

“I have no idea,” I replied. “Maybe because0 she was scared that she’d gain weight? After all, she is a model,” I tried to lighten the mood with humor that didn’t amuse either of us.

“I’m pretty sure she thought of that, too,” he snickered bitterly. “But her official reason was that she got a part that could be important to her career and that she didn’t want to regret it later. Do you see? She had everything a woman could have dreamed of – a loyal man who appreciated and loved her, and even wanted to start a family with her, but she was ears-deep in showbiz, preoccupied with her image, her ego, competing.”

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