Page 13 of Double Devotion

“How could she have done that to you? She’s insane!” I protest angrily, “I’m so sorry,” I say with sincere compassion, “no one deserves that, especially you.”

I contemplate the chain of events and admit to myself that having a child is a huge responsibility that entails so many sacrifices; no one can ever be truly ready for this important step. You might lose yourself in that new position and give up your dreams and aspirations. Raising children is undoubtedly an important decision, but such vile lies were unacceptable and irrational.

“I would really like hug you now,” I look at him. He gives me a small and warm smile, pulls me closer to him and hugs me tightly.

I breathe him in. Touch him. Stroke his gorgeous auburn hair whose tips reach behind his ear. I smell his intoxicating scent, give him a little peck and brush against his cheek.

“And as if that weren’t enough!” he resumes, “she keeps trying to contact me and won’t leave me alone. She’s begging and humiliating herself everywhere and in front of anyone we know just so I’ll forgive her. I simply can’t, understand? To me, the magic’s gone. There are things that cannot be absolved. She lost me this time, forever. That was the main reason I had decided to leave home and come to Israel. I needed to leave everything and everyone behind.

“But despite it all,” he adds, “I guess I’m kind of relieved that it happened before we got married and before I saw her true face. I guess she doesn’t understand the meaning of love or caring at all, and she just used me, like most other people who came and left. Now all I feel is disgust; I’m revolted by her so much that I feel that whatever we had between us is in the past,” and he smiles.

Michael tightens his embrace, breathes me in and caresses me. “Let’s put it all aside! Let’s just forget everyone. The future is this very moment,” Michael shouts as he amps up the music on his cellphone. Our little getaway together really paid off. I feel much better now. He looks straight into my eyes and smiles.

I couldn’t agree more. I smile back at him and feel his warmth. A sense of complete freedom and true liberation takes over, freeing my aching soul.

“You know, this is my Achilles’ heel – music, sea, smoking and you,” I laugh dopily.

“Ha, I really like you,” he exclaims.

We keep snuggling together, fluttering against each other’s skin and exchanging smiles. The amazing yacht pierces through the water as it sails on ahead. A wave of euphoria spreads throughout my entire body – I’m in the arms of this Adonis!

Now, the music’s silenced. We’re in each other’s arms, finding comfort in the other’s embrace. His huge and masculine body envelopes me entirely. I’m not afraid of anything. I feel safe. How ironic is it that I had to cross seas, agreeing to disappear without any qualms or guilt, allowing someone else take the lead for the first time in my life, and lose control by choice. I’m enchanted by his body, his voice, and his strength.

“Michael,” I interrupt my stubborn thoughts, “you must spend more time in the gym than anywhere else,” I say as I point at his rocking body.

“It comes with the territory,” he says with bitter irony. “But truth be told, extreme sports used to be a safe place where I could unload my frustrations. I would do any type of sports you can image, I wasn’t afraid of death or getting injured, I’ve always tempted fate and loved challenges. Especially after the fall I had a couple of years ago. I had a complete nervous breakdown after so many years working nonstop, around the clock. I had another difficult breakup back then. I was so busy and exhausted and I found solace in cocaine, in wild and dangerous driving, and in hazardous attractions. Ever since, Hollywood has been referring me as ‘The Modern Day Jim Morrison’. They keep reminding me of where I used to be, what I’ve done, who I’ve dated and who cheated on me, where I got drunk, what I’ve broken, and so on.”

“Well,” I replied softly, “It’s understandable.” I wasn’t surprised, of course. I’ve heard it all. There was a time when he was really plummeting, then he finally got back to himself after he took a couple of years off, then gradually made a comeback to film and live shows.

“Understandable?” He asks sarcastically.

“Yes,” I reply gently. “You’ve been through quite a lot. It’s hard to shake off these kinds of traumas. You need to find some sort of refuge, to clear your mind and sharpen your thoughts.”

“I know!” Michael says proudly. “Even after years of therapy and two rehabs under the spotlights, I just decided to let things be. I learned to forgive, to let things go, and accept that there are things that I cannot change or undo.”

“How is it that you didn’t have anyone else special in your life?” I ask. “Someone who would be worthy of your love? You seem like the perfect partner! I don’t get it.”

He smiles shyly.

“I’ve had several women and relationships in my life. Toxic love. Love that disappeared just as it came. And, as I’ve already told you, a love that wasn’t a love, but games and lies.”

“Please, don’t take it to heart,” I declare. “They’re nothing but fools, you really are the idea man, Michael. You follow your passions, you’re self-accomplished and give us all the privilege of having a taste of your craft. You uplift the spirits of millions of people around the world, you dispel their sadness in single instance and let them delve into a different reality. You’re sensitive and kind, compassionate and warm. You’re a real treasure. If there’s one thing that I’ve learned from all those years of unhappiness, it was that those who are unworthy of you are also unworthy of your sorrow.

“In the past, I would avoid passing judgement on others,” I added, “because I believed there’s good in everyone, only waiting to come out. I believed that the right partner would always manage to effortlessly bring out that side in the other person. You see? I believed that the good in people would surface on its own when they felt loved and secure. I used to like to expose that in my previous relationships, that tenderness and vulnerability in my partner. I would enjoy caressing their wounds. Until, briefly, I would forget...”

“Forget what?” Michael challenges me.

“The great pain and disappointment that you feel, time and time again, when you discover that people you’ve truly trusted and given all your heart to are actually not so good inside; they are sometimes even truly cruel and don’t always have good motives,” I replied seriously, but trying to rein in my sadness.

“There, now I get it! That’s your mistake!” Michael says proudly. “As a person who has been through years of therapy and has some insight, let me tell you that you should draw power from this pain. You must always acknowledge it, the circumstances that caused it, and do everything in your power not to feel it again. There’s a great difference between talking about pain and feeling it or admitting it. After all, pain is nothing but a defense mechanism. It’s supposed to protect you not only when the situation takes place, but also teach you how far to go next time and what to avoid. There’s no point in repeating the same mistake over and over again, and then expecting to get a different result.”

“That’s right,” I’m embarrassed. “Actually,” I continue, “I’ve been conforming myself to others my entire life and, when I was aching, I was left all alone. All the good I’d been offering was swiped out at once.”

“Maybe you should stop believing in others and seeking meaning that doesn’t exist in everything? You need to learn to listen to yourself, be forgiving, mostly to yourself. We’re all human beings, you know. We all make mistakes; we’ve made mistakes and we’ll keep making them. The most important thing is having someone to kick back with and draw warmth and strength from. You’re not responsible for finding kind people.”

“Right! You’re so right. You can see right through me.”

“No, honey,” he laughs, “it’s just very clear. You’re a very sensitive woman. Your wear your sense of inferiority on your sleeve. Naturally, I’m not blaming you,” he says with a velvety voice. “You must have been hurt so many times that you can’t recognize yourself or the person you’ve become. I know that feeling very well, trust me. In the end, life is indeed a race, but the kind you live minute by minute, second by second. It isn’t easy most of the time,” he continues to talk in an inspiring way. I adore his wisdom and his sensitivity. Well, he’s a creative person and he’s been through a lot, I explain to myself. It only makes sense that he’d have a deeper outlook on life.

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