Page 32 of Broken

My thoughts were interrupted by a banging on my hotel door with an always angry Tess yelling on the other side "Bitch let's go. I don't have time for your shit."

My shit? Well, fuck you too, Tess. I opened the door glaring at her.

"Fuck! What if you knocked on the wrong fucking door?"

"Well, they would have a free cup of coffee and you wouldn't." She shoved a tall paper cup in front of me. "Mia made me grab your coffee. For the record, I didn't want to do this." She didn't bother to wait for my response, she got into the driver's seat and watched me with a "Let's fucking go" expression on her face.

The drive to the funeral home was fairly quiet, I mentioned that I was okay doing this alone, and I got another old 'Fuck Off'. Tess might be pissed off at me, hell we all knew I deserved it. But she was there for me. I guess that's something.

Just as we were getting out of the car, a familiar face appeared in my window, blue eyes hidden by dark Oakleys. I sighed and smiled at Kai. Behind him stood Noah with his cheesy grin.

Fuck. What was I doing? I couldn't do this. This was the first time I saw the brothers together since high school. The other day, when Kai showed up at my mother's house, Noah left. When Noah and Mia returned, Kai left. Sure, he said he had to go to work, but did my words cause an irreparable crack in their brotherly bond?

All those years ago, I didn't destroy my relationship with Kai, I broke his trust and friendship with his older brother too. The earth spun off kilter and my lungs stopped working. The whirring sensation of my panic attack screamed in my ears. My heart fought to break my ribs and fly out of my chest.

"Sinclair. Breathe. Look at me, baby." There were warm hands on my cheeks, and blue eyes looking at me. His voice was the only voice to ever reach me through my darkness.

"Baby, look at me and take a deep breath. Count one. That's it. Good girl" His words broke through the haze of my panic attack. "Another breath, Sin. Two. That's it."

Kai counted me through five deep breaths, In and Out. I focused on the clear blue of his eyes. "Kai," I whispered.

"I'm right here baby. We're not letting you do this by yourself." His words reminded me we weren't alone and he helped me out of the car.

Without letting go, Kai walked with me to the main door of the Funeral Home. It was in an old American Foursquare-style house. Built like most of the homes in town, this one had been renovated and updated to provide all the modern options for final resting places for loved ones.

I hesitated at the front door, once I crossed that threshold, my mother would really be gone. She would truly be dead.

The whole time, I half expected her to come around the corner, and explain that her 'death' was an elaborate joke to get me to come home and face her. I waited for her to show up at my hotel and beg me to come home with her.

But she was gone, and her shadow would never cover my sunshine again. I never got the chance to know Layla from those early journals, or the mother she wanted to be after she got sober.

For the first time in my life, I missed my mother. I needed her like every little girl needs their mom to make things better. But I was alone.

As if she heard my thoughts, Tess took my free hand and gave me a squeeze. Noah was behind us, the big brother always protecting us, always watching out for us. This was my family. These were the people that picked up the pieces of the broken little girl.

Together, we walked into that funeral home, with my family I could face my darkest, oldest shadow, and lay those demons to rest.

The funeral director told us that my father's ashes had been scattered at sea, somewhere off the central coast. So, as for my mother's remains, we decided to do the same with hers. I had no use or want for them, and I think even in death, she would only find peace with her Howard. Not that either of them deserved peace, but I did. I had to give them peace to find mine.

He told me it would be two days to have my mother's ashes prepared for transport. I chose to scatter them myself, on my drive home. I think I needed closure. I needed to do this on my own. I assured Kai and Noah I was fine and would be okay. I think they only conceded because I had Tess in my corner telling them they coddled me. I relished not being on the receiving end of Tess and her bitchiness this week.

We sat in his car, parked next to my own, in front of the little hotel. The silence was almost too thick. Both of us were lost for words after last night. As if he read my mind, Kai cut through the silence.

"Sin. About last night."

Fuck. There it is. His regret. I should have known better than to hope for something happy in my life other than my daughter. I was fucking lucky with her; heaven forbid I try for more.

"Look, Kai. I'm going home in a couple of days. I'll keep my distance, okay." I looked out my window, I didn't want him to see the tears forming in my eyes. I didn't want him to know how much this hurt me; how much I loved him.

"What the fuck are you talking about? Like hell, if I'm going to let you keep your distance." He was pissed, and he didn't regret last night?

I snapped my head in his direction, my tears are damned.

"Baby, are you crying?" Sincerity and amusement laced his voice.

"No." I croaked out. I lied. I was so crying, and he watched the tears fall freely down my cheeks when he started to laugh. "Stop laughing. This isn't funny"

"Sin, it is so fucking funny. I'm sorry baby." Was he laughing at my pain? What a fucking dick. I swatted at his arm, but Kai caught my hand in his before I could make contact.

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