Page 42 of Told You So
With a smile, I join him on the floor. “Sounds good, but we’re adding a waterfall this time. And a unicorn.”
His face scrunches. “There are no unicorns in the jungle,” he says, distracted. But his mouth tugs in the corner. At least it’s something.
Twenty
Bethany’s Journal
April 14th
I’m not sure when I became this manic person on the brink of freak-out mode, but I’ve been feeling particularly agitated lately. The older Jesse gets and how little my parents seem to change or come around to him and his needs doesn’t help. I have a feeling Nick is more the cause for my mood, though.
Being around him more frequently after years of awkward, off and on encounters is hard to wrap my head around. Today, he was kind, if a little grisly when I showed up at his door. We might’ve argued, but it felt good in a way. It needed to happen, I think. He’s different when it’s just us—him with me and Jesse, or just me. Different from the cocky, smirking Nick that I’ve run into at the movie theater when he’s with a girl or when our friends meld together during summer campingtrisptrips.
But working with himAND Sam on our project has taken things to a whole other level. I’ve been thinking about what happened with Mike a few years ago more than I’m comfortable with, now that the past seems to be catching up with me. Being with Mike distanced me from Jesse and my parents...maybe that’s why I cling so tightly to my little brother. I want to make up for lost time and for Jesse to know that I will never choose a guy over him again. And I won’t be like my parents who think work is more important.
Being with Mike also sent me into a spiral I don’t like to think about—a lot of drinking and late nights, and guys I surrounded myself with because they noticed me and made me feel something other than pain. A lot of wandering and darkness, but thank God for Anna Marie, my saving grace and the devil on my shoulder. She cared more than anyone else did.
The night I called Mike and heard Sam’s voice in the background was the night my heart was shredded in two. It went from “Sam and I are just friends” to the gut-wrenching truth that came pouringofout of him when I started to freak out. Something in him snapped and he laid it all out there, not a single grain of sugar to coat the truth. Yes, he’d been with Sam. Yes, he was seeing us both. He was also tired of high school girls and their needy emotions. He’d spent over a year telling me I was important to him and that my parents shouldn’t treat me like garbage, only for him to discard me the moment I was no longer worth his time and energy.
I wanted to blame Sam for it all. I did, for a while. She was the other woman. She’d ruined everything, and that’s why I maliciously flirted with Reilly last summer during our camping trip. I knew it would piss her off, even if they weren’t together. Despite what I can only imagine she’s been through after losing her dad, she got her happily ever after.
If only my parents would move on too. They never cared that I was devastated about Mike, only that my grades were slipping, among other responsibilities—yet another reason my dad is permanently disappointed in me, even if my mom is the one who hurt me the most. Her calling me a slut one night when I came home drunk has stuck with me ever since.
Last year, at the Hughes holiday party, I realized for the first time that Samnotmight not have been the conniving bitch I thought she was. Maybe she was just a gullible teenager, like I’d been. If Mac’s words from that night are all I have to go on, then I’m supposed to be the bad guy in all of this. Go figure.
So, yeah, I guess being around Nick and Sam...it’s not something I want to do but needs to be done. Especially if I’m going to get through the next month. -B
Twenty-One
Bethany
Sunday morning feels like a fresh start. I’m not sure if it’s the sunshine or the fact that I crashed last night after work and slept like a rock for the first time in forever. Or, maybe it’s because Jesse is at a play date with one of the kids from his program, actinglike eleven-year-olds generally do.
Sunshine and happiness aside, driving up the dirt road, toward the boarding facility, it finallyreallyhits me that I’m not just working on this project with Nick, which is a minefield of its own, but I’m working with Sam on this, too. And, it’s on her turf. My palms are sweating, thinking about it, but if Nick’s right, technically, this will be an easy project, and if I allow myself to hope just a little bit, it might even be fun.
Pulling up the drive, I take in the vast ranch surrounding me. It’s impressive, with a large stable and a menagerie of horse heads and rumps sticking out of the stalls. There’s a pasture with a gray horse, grazing, and a stately white farmhouse with navy blue trim, situated opposite of it all.
I park my Rover next to Nick’s Explorer and climb out, notebook and pencil in hand.Sam runs all of this?Her dad was somewhat of a legend in Saratoga Falls, a renowned horseman that I’d seen a couple times at the County Fair growing up. I remember the buzz around the accident and being sad for her, even if I hated her at the time. It’s only now, though, being at her home secluded up on the mountain, that I can almost feel the loss of him.
A lukewarm breeze hits my face, and I smell dirt and nature, and I hear birds chirping and chickens clucking somewhere off in the distance. The ranch is its own world, and I can’t even imagine what it’s been like for Sam to take over this place. It’s admirable, even.
Since Sam and Nick are nowhere in sight, I follow the sound of drilling, coming from the barn. Banjo and harmonica riffs meet my ears along with it, and I know I’ve found Nick. Creedence Clearwater Revival is one of his favorite bands. I know this from many summers being in the periphery of his life.
I weave between buildings, imagining how much Jesse might like to visit a place like this one day. He’d love the horses and animals, maybe all of it a little over-stimulating, but in a good way for once, I think.
The barn looks like the oldest building on the property, perhaps the only original structure that’s left, and I admire how rustic it is, how rich in history it might be and the possibilities of what we can do with it.
Lingering in the blinding yet rejuvenating sunlight a moment longer, I let it soak through me for a final dose of serenity, before I step into what could potentially be the definition of a bad situation.
I walk through the large open doorway. There’s nothing inside that would warrant the leathery scent that fills my nostrils, but I inhale deeply. It’s a little musty, but I like it, strange as it is to me. There are tools in some areas, fresh wood and building materials in others, but other than that, the space is relatively empty of anything resembling a barn. It’s a big space, though. Large enough to house a few tractors, and definitely large enough to transform into an office space.
Finally, my eyes rest on Nick, standing on a ladder and drilling something into the skylight a few yards away. His back is to me as he whistles to the radio, unaware of my presence, and I enjoy the clandestine moment.
With his arms extended above him, his abdomen shows just enough to elicit my appreciation and a fleeting curiosity of what his skin would feel like against my fingertips. He shifts his weight to his other foot and his arms strain against the sleeves of his t-shirt, his muscles flexing.
“See something you like?”
I spin around to find Sam behind me. Her eyes, the color of chestnut and whiskey, shift from Nick to me. I swallow, imagining my face the color of a ripe tomato. “Uh—hi,” I say automatically. “Just checking the place out.”
