Page 18 of Just Another Chance

God, she’s so pretty.Long dark brown hair and big brown eyes. My heart clenches painfully. We look so happy together. Wewereso happy together. And then one moment destroyed everything.

I’ll never forget the first time I saw Addison Lila Hayes. I was riding aimlessly on the subway when she stepped on and instantly caught my attention. Back then when I was feeling lost or trying to figure out an answer to a problem or hoping a situation would clarify itself, I’d hop on the subway, sit back and let my mind wander.

People would come and go. The constant stopping and starting at the numerous stations, opening and closing of the doors, and hum of the train riding the track allowed me to get into the right mindset to figure out solutions and answers to problems. I’m not sure why, but it always soothed me and helped.

I remember stopping, the doors swished open, and she stepped on. Her dark hair was pulled back in a messy bun and she had a brown bag in her hands loaded with fresh flowers from the market.

She was a vision.

Addie loved flowers and she dreamed of opening her own shop one day. But it wasn’t the bright, beautiful flowers that drew my attention. It was the gorgeous woman who walked in and sat down. I couldn’t look away and, for me, that’s strange. I’ve seen beautiful women before and barely blinked.

But Addie was different. There was an energy she exuded that both immediately attracted and obsessed me. I knew right away that I had to talk to her, but I didn’t want to look like a creep. Of course, my mind went blank, and I couldn’t think of any smooth move or a reason to approach her.

So, when she stood up to get off the train after a few stops, I did the only thing that I could– I got off and followed her.

With hindsight, it was probably borderline stalker, but what can I say? I was instantly smitten. Somehow, I knew she was the one and there’s no way I was going to let her walk away. Like a schoolboy, I followed her down the sidewalk and saw her head into a flower shop.

Feeling the urge to buy some flowers, I went inside and discovered that she worked there. I pretended like I was going to buy flowers for my sister’s birthday, and she spent the next half an hour helping me. By the time she rang me up and I paid, I leaned on the counter and asked her out.

She said yes.

It was the beginning of a whirlwind courtship and I’d never been happier or felt more alive than when I was with Addie. I’m not sure how to describe it exactly other than just knowing. Knowing that she was the person for me and feeling it in the deepest part of my soul. Addie fulfilled something that had always been missing.

I fell in love hard and fast. Lucky for me, she reciprocated. Those three months– from November to January– were the happiest of my life. I’ve never loved anyone like Addie, and I don't think I ever will again. She was the one who got away. And when she ran off and refused to talk to me, she may as well have ripped my heart out of my chest and shredded it with a knife.

That’s what it felt like.

She hurt me terribly and I’ve never been able to recover. The idea of dating again leaves a terrible taste in my mouth, and I have zero interest. Since Addie left, I haven’t been with another woman, and I have no desire. I’ve been taking care of my own needs just fine and when Nash mentioned getting out there again, it makes me want to run and hide.

Do I miss a woman’s sweet smell and warm body? Of course. But after being with Addie, I’ve realized how much more it can be. It’s not solely about the physical act of sex, of my body finding release. When emotions are involved– when all-consuming and deep love is felt– it becomes this cosmic, life-altering experience that leaves both people shaken to their very core.

That’s how it was with Addie. The woman shook me. She shook me so damn hard that I’ve never been able to recover or move on.

If anyone thinks that I’m pathetic because of that, I can guaran-fucking-tee it’s because they’ve never experienced what I have. They’ve never been in love so fully and deeply that their entire world changed in the blink of an eye.

Because that’s what happened that rainy November day when I saw Addie step onto the subway. My entire world changed.

“Fuck,” I hiss. I need another drink. This time it isn’t because of Addie. It’s because I forgot about the letter that I stuck in my desk, too, right beneath the picture frame.Things best left forgotten.

It’s been almost a year since Thomas Beckett died of a heart attack and I never read the letter he left me. He wrote one for each of us kids. Probably out of guilt since he treated us all like his employees rather than his children. I know Nash read his, but I haven’t been able to bring myself to open mine.

I snatch the stupid white envelope out of the drawer and stalk back into the living room, seize the bottle of whiskey and take a fortifying swig. Then I tear open the envelope and look down at my father’s neat handwriting.

“Dear, Tanner,” I read aloud, struggling not to roll my eyes.This should be good, I think. “As I’m sure you’re aware, I’m writing a letter to each of my children, and I’ve saved yours for last because it is the hardest one for me to write.”

Sitting down on the couch, I continue reading, but silently. When I get to the end, I re-read it two more times, trying to decide if, for once in his life, my dad is being sincere. He basically writes that he regrets interfering in my life and that he was trying to help the best way he knew how.

What does that even mean?I wonder.

Although he doesn’t come out and apologize for breaking Addie and I up with that Chella fiasco, I assume it’s what he means. This was it– his final chance to step up and take responsibility for what he did.

And he didn’t do it.

I crumple the letter up, whip it across the room and take another drink of whiskey. So, he basically writes he’s responsible for my current unhappiness and says he shouldn’t have tried to control my life, even with good intentions.

Good intentions, my ass. He was a control freak, and everyone knew it.Gee, thanks, Dad.

He doesn’t even come out and say anything specific. Like the fact that he hired that woman to try to seduce me and, even though I have no proof, I know he timed it perfectly so then Addie rolled up and witnessed that godforsaken kiss.

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