Page 17 of Just Another Chance

I haven’t allowed myself to look at this picture in a long time, but I didn’t have the heart to get rid of it after Tanner left. It’s always been my favorite picture of us. Turning it over, I look down at the picture and my heart clenches. I’m kissing his cheek and he’s smiling at the camera. We have knitted caps on, jackets and rosy cheeks because it was taken on a date where we went to see the Christmas lights display at the zoo. A big tree covered in thousands of lights is behind us and what’s most beautiful is the happiness that emanates from our eyes.

I guess I was the only one who was truly happy.

With a sigh, I flip the picture over and shove it back in the drawer. Moving home isn’t going to be easy, but it’s the right decision. And once I make a decision, I go full steam ahead. So, Monday morning, I pack up my meagre belongings, strap Owen into his car seat and head home for the first time in two years.

On the entire drive home, all I can do is think about my mom. She was there for me when I needed her most– when I had run away, pregnant and scared and dealing with a difficult pregnancy. I remember the doctor telling me that I needed to relax and be on bedrest for a few weeks and I panicked. I needed to bring in a paycheck and my job wouldn’t pay me if I was laid-up in bed all day.

So, I called my mom and she immediately drove out to help me. I will never forget how she dropped everything and came to take care of me. She showered me with love and made sure that I had everything that I needed, including money that she’d tucked away.

Since I was stuck in bed, we talked and hung out constantly. She would cook meals and we’d eat together; we’d play cards and other games; and we’d catch up on TV shows. But the best thing was the amazing conversations we had during those couple of months– about being a mother and what that meant. We bonded on a deeper level than we’d ever done before.

“You will love that little baby more than anything in this whole world,” she told me.

Of course, I immediately thought of Tanner and how much I had loved him. Anything that was half me and half him had to be a pretty amazing miracle.

My mom was with me when I decided to find out the baby’s sex. I wasn’t going to but then she convinced me to do it so she could go out and buy some things for the baby beforehand. She was holding my hand when the doctor revealed it was a boy. We stayed up all night discussing names and we both instantly loved Owen.

So that’s what I chose.

Best of all, she told me stories about my father. I didn’t know a lot about how they had met or fell in love and my mom would get this far-off look in her eyes when she began talking about him. It was beautiful, something that I will never forget. Their love was special, and I always knew that, but hearing her talk about the moment she first saw him and how her entire world changed made my heart squeeze.

Their love was one in a million. It was a true fairy tale.

“He made me feel like a princess,” she confided in me. “Like Cinderella at the ball! But it didn’t matter where we were or what we were doing. It didn’t have to be some fancy outing. We could simply be sitting together on the front porch talking about our day. It’s the little things, Addie,” she’d say. “The quiet moments with someone when you share your secrets and hopes and dreams. Those are the times when you connect on a deeper level and know without a doubt that you’re with your soulmate. And it’s such a beautiful thing.”

I had those things with Tanner,I thought.

Then when my dad died, my mother was devastated. She told me it was like losing half of herself. I didn’t want to talk about her remarrying Randy, and I never mentioned him. But I asked her endless questions about Dad, and she glowed when she shared their stories. I’m glad she was able to reminisce about their once-in-a-lifetime love and I was able to learn more about their love story.

When Owen was born, my mom was by my side, holding my hand through the entire birth– from the first contraction to the final moment when Owen came into the world. I was so scared, and I don’t think I could’ve gotten through it without her. I couldn’t imagine going through that all alone and I’m so grateful she was there to guide me through it.

I would’ve been lost without her.

After we returned to my small apartment, my mom taught me how to do everything. I had no clue how to take care of an infant, much less a red-faced, squalling one. She taught me about making formula, changing diapers, tricks to get him to fall asleep and how to work a damn breast pump.

Endless things I never would’ve known without her. Things that came up that aren’t in books, and I would’ve had no clue how to handle. Like when Owen spiked with a fever. She helped me cool him off in the bathtub and feed him ice chips until we could get him to the doctor’s office.

Having my mom with me was the biggest blessing. Eventually, Randy called, bitching that she had been gone for too long. But she stayed with me until I had a handle on everything. And I’ll never forget it.

So now, the least I can do is be there and do whatever I can to make sure her affairs are taken care of and say my final goodbye. It hurts that I wasn’t there for her in the end, though. I hope she understands and forgives me.

As the endless highway passes by and I get closer and closer to South Grove, my heart beats harder.

Because that means I’m also getting close to Tanner.

8

TANNER

Istart packing the next morning and by noon, I’m starting to doubt my decision to move back down to New York City. I open a bottle of whiskey and pour myself a small glass. Should I do it? Or should I stay up here, hiding away for the rest of my life?

Neither seems like a good option and I pour myself more alcohol. The only thing that I feel like doing right now is drinking until everything is a blur. I screwed up two years ago when I agreed to go on that stupid dinner with Chella and I ended up paying for it with the love of my life.

A wave of depression washes over me and I drop down on the couch, lean back and take a sip of whiskey. My gaze wanders over all the boxes and I’m pretty much packed up in here. Just need to drag it out to my SUV, load up and get the hell out of here.

Unfortunately, the idea of moving back to the city brings up all the old, painful memories. For a long time, I just sit and wallow in my misery and drink. Eventually, the alcohol loosens me up and gets me thinking about things I shoved to the back of my mind and refused to acknowledge the last couple of years.

Standing up, I set my empty glass down and stretch. Then I head down to my office. Other than an oak desk I built and a lamp on its corner, I packed up all of my files and important paperwork. I sit down in the large leather chair, open a side drawer and remove the framed picture that I couldn’t part with– it’s me and Addie and it’s snowing. We had gone to see the Lights Before Christmas exhibit at the zoo. She’s kissing my cheek and I remember she smelled like hot chocolate and peppermints.

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