Page 45 of Written in the Charts

Maggie held the green color swatch against the powder-blue walls. They were nice, but they looked more like nursery colors than home office colors, and my mind was distracted, so I wasn’t sure how much help I was actually being. I sat in the oversized armchair, wrapped in a blanket, feeling sorry for myself. When I pulled into the driveway, I noticed Evan’s car parked out by the barn. He was likely working with Derek.

I wanted nothing more than to run out there and talk to him. It had been just over two months since we last spoke, and I missed him desperately—enough that my emotions were just rolling around my stomach, making me feel sick. Morning sickness had almost entirely passed, but I still got ill every time I got worked up emotionally. Maggie had to have known how I was feeling, too. She kept asking questions to distract me.

“What about beige? Is it too boring?” She held the beige sample against the wall and looked back at me. I nodded, feeling the contents of my stomach pressing upward. I couldn’t hold it down anymore. I rushed out of the room past the twins, who were playing on the floor, and shut myself into the bathroom.

Throwing up was the worst feeling in the world, having chunks of your last meal lodged in your sinus cavity. And the way your breath smelled afterward? I hated it, but there I was, heaving into the toilet, praying it didn’t get in my hair when Maggie entered.

“Oh, gosh.” She dropped to her knees beside me and held my hair back as I finished, then handed me a glob of toilet paper.

“Sorry...” I mumbled, looking at the little happy face of Jenson who had crawled out of the office and followed us to the bathroom. “Still happens sometimes.” I shrugged, blowing my nose.

Maggie picked up Jenson and cradled him on her hip, then stood. She offered me a hand, and I took it, rising to stand next to her. I flushed the toilet and closed the lid, then followed Maggie back to the office to get Isla.

“I can’t believe you’re still having morning sickness.” She handed Jenson to me, and I took him gladly as she picked up his twin.

“It honestly is mostly just emotion.” I turned and headed for the kitchen. I needed a glass of water to remove the taste of bile from my mouth. Maggie must have known what I was doing because she was hot on my trail, closing the office door behind her.

“Because Evan is in the barn?”

She knew we hadn’t been speaking. She knew everything. Her support and encouragement during this time had been invaluable, and after the way her advice to wait a bit had failed so horribly, I had sworn her to secrecy. Derek did not know Evan and I were not talking. If he had, he’d have lectured Evan or put pressure on him, and I didn’t want that.

“I swear I didn’t plan this on purpose, Gypsy. Evan always comes on Sundays to have dinner and work in the barn. I didn’t realize we had other work that he’d be doing all day.” Maggie frowned as she set Isla into her high chair. The baby smacked the tray happily and giggled, cooing and smiling. I put Jenson into his chair and shrugged.

“It was bound to happen at some point.” I sighed. “Yellow Springs is a small town.”

My back hurt, so I sat down, hand splayed on my protruding stomach. I wasn’t showing a lot, but it was enough to notice now. Maggie bustled around the kitchen, making bottles for the twins and getting their snacks. I sat at the table, staring out the sliding glass door toward the barn.

“Does he know I’m here?” I heard water running and turned to see Maggie washing her hands, a bottle in each baby’s mouth. She must have been so relieved when they’d learned to hold their own bottles.

“Not unless he saw you pull in. He probably can’t see your car from the barn. I didn’t know he would be here this early, so I never told him you were coming.” She walked over and sat down next to me, drying her hands on a hand towel. As usual, her hair and makeup were perfect. I wasn’t sure how she did it—look so perfect and put together when she had twins to care for.

I lived alone and had only myself to think about, and yet I had disheveled hair tied up in a messy bun and wore mismatched socks because I couldn’t find any pairs. I sighed. I was going to be a horrible mother. Every little twinge of pain sent me rushing to the ER in terror. I’d been there three times already, and each time, Derek had forced me to go home and drink more water.

“I think I should go, Maggie. He doesn’t want to see me. He made that clear to me. I have called him every day for two months and left a voicemail on how I’m doing and how the baby is. He never responds and he never picks up.” I turned my gaze back toward the barn. Even a glimpse of him would probably make me throw up again, but still, my eyes searched for him among the backdrop of brown grass and a red barn.

“No, you’re here as my guest. I mean, if you’re really uncomfortable, you can go if you want. But I want you here. Besides, Evan is not handling this the right way. He never took time to listen to you. And I don’t want you to go home and be alone today. It’s the reason I asked you over. I know what this day means to you.” She reached out and took my hand.

Maggie was such a good friend. I hadn’t even had to remind her that this day marked the same time frame I had miscarried Chloe. I had brought it up once and that was it, but she remembered. She was right too. I didn’t want to be alone. Even though there was no hint that anything was wrong, I still feared it happening, which is why I’d accepted the invitation to help her choose colors and patterns for their home office remodel.

“I don’t want to cause any more issues for him. I’ve done enough.” I sighed, standing. “I’m just going to go. I don’t want to be alone, but if he’s coming in here, then I don’t want to be here.”

“Sit down, Gypsy. Please.” Her eyes pleaded with me to stay. “First of all, you are both adults. You’re my friend and he’s Derek’s friend. Okay? And you’re going to have to interact a lot over the next few years as you have this baby and it grows up. You might as well get it over with and just have that conversation.”

I grimaced ,and she took my hand and pulled me down, so I sat. I couldn’t help looking out at the barn again, dreading his reaction to my being there.

“I didn’t plan this on purpose, but it’s a great thing. You two will have your best friends around you to help keep you both calm and rational. If he doesn’t want to work things out, there is nothing you can do to change his mind. But you can at least plan how he’s going to help you with the baby. Right?”

I shrugged, still watching the barn door. Derek appeared, standing in the cold air and puffing out a few deep breaths. He turned like someone called him and went back into the barn, and in that split second of seeing him, my heart raced. I thought I’d vomit again.

“What if he thinks this was a plot you and Derek cooked up? He’ll be angry with you.” I bit my lip. “That will just make things worse.”

“Well, he already had it out with Derek for not telling him. Derek laid into him about doctor-patient confidentiality and told him to grow the fuck up. He listened.” Maggie snickered. “Evan is so hardheaded.”

I smiled and sighed a little laugh. “He is. But I love him.”

“Then stay. Try to at least talk to him. He’s had plenty of time to cool off, and you need more support, even if it’s just to buy your vitamins or meet you at doctor’s appointments.” She squeezed my hand and smiled. The timer on the oven went off, indicating the lasagna she was baking needed checked.

“Fine. But if he acts like an idiot, it’s not my fault.” I peeled my eyes away from the window and turned to see Jenson pouring his bottle onto his highchair tray. He had a few pieces of dry cereal stuck to his face and a puddle of milk he was splashing in. Other women would have looked at that and been disgusted by it. I saw it and felt happy. I couldn’t wait until my own little one was old enough to sit in a highchair and make milk messes and laugh.

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