Page 46 of Written in the Charts

I just wanted someone to enjoy it with.

CHAPTERTHIRTY-THREE

Derek

With the final bale of hay tossed down from the hay mount, I climbed down the ladder. We’d successfully moved the stored hay down to where it was accessible for daily feeds, and I was exhausted. Every muscle in my body burned with fatigue, and my knee throbbed. Just getting down the ladder was a chore, but I managed.

“Time to eat.” Derek slapped me on the back and squeezed my shoulder. “Thanks for the help. It would have taken me twice as long to do it on my own.”

“No problem.” I peeled off the heavy leather gloves and tossed them on top of the stacked hay. My stomach growled loudly, making Derek chuckle.

“I think Maggie put in a lasagna. Let’s go wash up and get something to eat. We can enjoy a beer or two while we discuss plans for the new corral.”

I followed Derek out the barn door and up toward the house. We cut through the pasture to make our trip to the warmth of the dining room and the deliciousness of dinner go faster. Though it was still quite cold at the end of February, the ground was thawing. We traipsed through soft earth that covered our boots in mud, so when we got to the house we had to pull the boots off and leave them on the deck.

Derek opened the door to the mud room, and I followed him in, peeling my coat off as I went. We left our outerwear and hats in the mud room and took turns washing our hands in the powder room off the garage entrance before heading toward the smell of Italian food cooking.

“Dinner ready?” Derek called. I was only a few steps behind him as he rounded the corner into the kitchen.

“Almost. Just have the garlic bread in the oven.” Maggie’s voice echoed down the hall from the kitchen. I could almost taste the buttery goodness now.

When I rounded the corner, I saw a sight for sore eyes. Gypsy sat at the dining table, hands in front of herself, picking her fingernails. She did that when she was nervous. It was a shock to me too. I didn’t know I’d see her here, though I knew it was inevitable that we’d have to speak again.

I fully expected to feel rage inside my chest. Instead, I felt happy to see her. I missed her a lot, though I hadn’t even been able to admit it to myself until I saw her there. Her hair was tied up in a messy bun, her cheeks and nose rosy from what looked like crying. She was the only thing I could see as I approached the table. Derek and Maggie chatted, but the rest of the room disappeared.

She didn’t look up at me. Not even as I sat down across from her and watched her nervously digging at the invisible dirt beneath her fingernails. I felt awkward, like I should say something to her, but I knew this reaction was probably my fault. I hadn’t handled anything like I should have, and I knew I had hurt her. She’d hurt me too, but I was really good at distracting myself from pain, burying it and focusing on work so I didn’t have to feel it. That’s how I’d made it through two months of not talking to her.

“Oh, sorry, Evan. I know Gypsy is in the spot you normally sit at, but she was over to help me with some home remodeling plans and I invited her to stay. I hope you don’t mind.” Maggie set a large dish of lasagna in front of me, but suddenly, my stomach wasn’t growling anymore. I couldn’t stop looking at Gypsy.

“No problem,” I muttered.

When her eyes turned upward to take me in, I finally felt it. The hurt and disappointment of having not known she was pregnant. But this time, it was coupled with a shame that I’d let her down and the idea that I’d left her to fend for herself for two whole months that I could have been a part of her life. All because of my damn anger issues. All because other people had hurt me and made it impossible for me to trust her.

“Hi.” Gypsy tucked her hands beneath the table on her lap. She sat slouched over, the posture of someone in the state of deep depression or grief. Grief I’d caused.

“Hi.” I wasn’t sure what else to say. It wasn’t like I’d had an epiphany moment to make me realize how wrong I’d been or how much I’d hurt her. It was just me seeing the way the separation between us had affected her. She looked pale, sad, with dark circles under her eyes.

“Let’s eat.” Derek sat down at the head of the table and grabbed the serving spoon for the lasagna, dishing a large helping onto his plate. I took the spoon from him and served myself some too, though I didn’t feel nearly as hungry as I had moments before. Maggie set the basket of garlic bread next to the lasagna and took her seat, smiling at Gypsy who remained quiet, though she did reach for a roll.

Derek and Maggie talked casually while we ate, but Gypsy didn’t say a word. I chimed in now and then when I had something important to say, but the elephant in the room went ignored. The fact that she hadn’t even spoken to me other than to say hi irritated me, and I tried not to let it bother me, but the more the silence lingered between us, the angrier I got about it. When Maggie asked me a question about Gypsy, I almost snapped.

“So, Evan, are you excited about being a dad?” Maggie’s fork hovered in the air in front of her face as she waited for my response. I had to swallow back the biting remark about it being a total surprise. That was my gut reaction, but I knew it would be hurtful, so I held back, sighing my anger away instead. Lashing out wasn’t going to do anyone any good. It hadn’t yet.

“Yeah. I am.” I stabbed my lasagna with my fork and took a bite. Gypsy grimaced, looking down at her plate. She laid her fork down and tucked her hands into her lap again. I could tell Maggie was going to force the conversation, and I wasn’t entirely averse to having it. I just didn’t want to fight anymore.

We all sat there in silence for a moment until one of the babies fussed. Derek excused himself and took the kids out of the room. Maggie ate her food quietly while Gypsy sat sniffling, and I pushed my plate away. I wasn’t hungry anymore.

“This is totally not my place, but I care about both of you as friends.” Maggie set her fork down and sighed. “You need to talk. You can’t keep this up. It’s not good for the baby, and it’s not good for either of you. You’re in love, and you are going to be parents. If you can’t work out your issues to fix the relationship, you can at least work out how to be good parents to the little guy that’s on the way.”

“Guy?” The word perked my ears. I looked at Gypsy, who peered up at me through thick lashes. “Is it a boy?” I leaned forward, suddenly eager to know everything.

“I don’t know.” Gypsy shrugged and sat back, sitting a bit straighter. “I haven’t found out. I wanted to be surprised.”

My excitement about the baby betrayed the rest of my emotions. My brain was a jumble of anger, compassion, and sorrow. It was all so frustrating I thought I might snap, but I didn’t. I looked at Maggie, wondering if she had set this up so we’d be forced to talk, then realized even if she had, it was probably the right thing to do. Still, we fell into a silence again, only this time, even the sounds of silverware scraping across plates was gone. I could hear the faint whine of a baby down the hallway. Then Maggie spoke again.

“Evan, Gypsy is terrified of losing this baby. I know you can’t begin to understand that fear because you’ve never—”

“What?” My eyes snapped over to her face. She looked surprised that I’d cut her off. So did Gypsy. “I know I can’t imagine the pain of carrying a baby that dies, but I know the pain of loss. I know exactly what it feels like to get excited that you’re going to have a child and have it be ripped away from you.” I felt my pulse picking up steam, my jaw clenching and unclenching. “I know what that feels like.” I stood, picking up my napkin and slamming it down on the plate.

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