Page 41 of Love Rescheduled

“Did he say that?” Tara asked.

“Not in so many words, but it’s the truth.”

“Nat,” Tara started, “I don’t think it’s that you don’t love yourself. I think you’re just afraid to show it.”

“What does that mean?”

“Like your therapist said, you’ve made too many good choices in your life not to love yourself. You just haven’t been able to get over the fear factor.”

“Fear factor?” I questioned.

“Yeah,” Tara said. “You let your fear of pain control you.”

In my defense, I had a painful past. It kind of does things to you. Not kind of—it wrecks you. In that wreckage, you learn how to lessen the pain, or you let it swallow you whole. “Alec has said as much to me.” He also said on the other side of pain and discomfort is the reward. But the thing is, there is no guarantee you will actually get the reward. Hello, junior high talent show. Or let’s go with more recent events, shall we? Bonjour, viral video.

“I just read somewhere that pain is inevitable, but suffering is a choice,” Jolene jumped in.

I laid my head on the desk and moaned. “I’m suffering.” I wasn’t sure I had ever felt worse.

“What do you want to do about that?” Tara asked.

“I’m not sure. Josh is heading back to LA to film a pilot. He’s on the verge of becoming a household name. And he mentioned something to Dr. I Don’t Wash My Hands about an upcoming tour in the works. Also, I know I don’t want to live in California. Did you know they have more damage-causing earthquakes than any other state? There are no warnings for those.” At least with a hurricane you have plenty of warning it’s coming for you.

“So, no Josh?” Jolene inquired.

I thought about the kiss Josh had just given me. There was something about the way he kissed that filled me like nothing else could. Did I really want to live my life without that? Without him? I thought I was okay to just love him from afar. Now I wasn’t so sure. Why couldn’t Josh be an accountant?

“I just don’t know,” I sighed. Alec’s voice kept infiltrating my mind. “If Natalie could have her dream, what would it look like?” I hadn’t thought about it because I knew exactly what it would look like. It would look like Sunday mornings snuggled up in bed with Josh, reading a book together until our kids jumped up on the bed. I could easily picture Josh grabbing the munchkins and tickling them until they giggled hysterically. Josh would, of course, want to stay in bed all day and let the kids eat in our room and get crumbs all over. I would be against it and insist we ate all meals at the table. We would probably argue about it in some cutesy voices since the children were present. I would, of course, win, and Josh would pout, but then we would make up that night and it would be perfect.

Somehow, in that dream, I would have an abundance of self-esteem and not care that Josh was famous. I would be like Matt Damon’s wife, just a normal girl you don’t hear a lot about unless you read one of those lists online about famous people who married non-famous people. We would live somewhere quaint, hopefully in Tennessee or South Carolina. Josh and I would agree to never spend more than a week apart. It could happen, right?

But what if that viral video of me never died and people constantly barraged Josh with questions about our intimate life and his psycho wife who scheduled everything? I got all clammy just thinking about it. It would be wonderful if I could just own it and not care what anyone thought. How amazing would it be if I could quip back, “Don’t you wish you were lucky enough to get an hour of sexy time every day?” It did sound fantastic, but it was more like a pipe dream. Just like my girlhood dream of being on American Idol. We all know how my only public performance ended. If that was any sign of whether I could get over my stage fright or fear factor, whatever you wanted to call it, I would say the odds weren’t good for Josh and me.

“THANKS FOR AGREEING TO SWITCH our date to today. This place is only open on Sundays now.” Kyle smiled while opening the door to the Shoeless Joe Jackson Museum, which looked more like someone’s residence. It had, in fact, been someone’s house. At least that’s what the website said when I’d looked it up. Joe Jackson, the famed baseball player, and his wife had built the place in the 1940s, but the foundation that had acquired it had moved the house several times. Of course, I’d had to do my research. I was pretty sure I knew everything I ever needed to about Joe Jackson, including that he’d only played shoeless once. I won’t lie, that was kind of disappointing. Not sure why I expected him to have played in his socks every game. Regardless, I was giving myself props for changing my schedule around to accommodate Kyle’s request. It honestly was a good thing, since I always took dinner to Hal and Stu on Sundays. It gave me the perfect excuse to end the date early if I needed to. However, Alec had still better give me another star on my chart tomorrow for being flexible. Even if I wasn’t particularly excited to be on said date. But I had made a commitment, and it seemed very important to Hal and Stu that I give Kyle a chance. They were big fans.

I could see why they liked him. So far, he had been nothing but polite. You know, for the ten minutes we’d talked in the parking lot before walking in together. Kyle was handsome, with thick sandy hair, styled neatly. He had thoughtful brown eyes that unfortunately reminded me of Josh’s. Although Josh’s were a richer shade of brown and had the power to peer deep into my soul. Perhaps given time, Kyle’s could do the same. Maybe if I didn’t keep waiting for Josh to show up. Or wishing he would, though I had full knowledge that it was a selfish, unrealistic thought. If ever anyone had put the ball in my court, it was Josh. And there I was, staring at the ball lying lonely in the corner, too afraid to pick it up and take the winning shot. How many times had I tried to make a basket only to shoot an embarrassing air ball?

“You’re welcome.” I stepped inside the little museum. The smell of nostalgia, coupled with old books, lingered in the air. It wasn’t bad. I liked that Kyle had thought outside the box. I love to learn new little pieces of trivia and history. And Hal and Stu assured me that even if my ex showed up, Kyle wouldn’t ignore me or leave with him. Stu also informed me he was on the lookout for a new proctologist after hearing about the date and handwashing incident.

“Do you like baseball?” Kyle shoved his hands in the pockets of the well-fitting jeans accentuating his tall, athletic figure.

I bit my lip. “Honestly, I’ve only been to one game.” I wouldn’t mention it was a game I had attended with Josh. I had been on the road with him and we had a three-night stop in Chicago. Josh said it would be a crime if we didn’t go to Wrigley Field while we were there. So, we caught a Cubs game. Admittedly, I knew nothing about the game. Josh had whispered the rules in my ear all night. That’s not all he had said. No need for details, but I remember finding a new appreciation for baseball that evening, despite the crowds of people. Whose existence was drowned out by Josh’s whisperings.

“But I enjoyed it,” I added when Kyle was crestfallen over my lack of baseball enthusiasm. I didn’t elaborate on my enjoyment. I really needed to figure out a way to not think about my ex on every date. Assuming I went on any more. Hal and Stu had some more men lined up. I think they quite enjoyed playing matchmaker. But Josh had me shook. I was torn between living in fear and tackling those same fears like a three-hundred-pound linebacker. A little fear isn’t a bad thing. It keeps you safe. And in my case, possibly lonely. Unless Kyle was magical and could help me forget all about Josh. Like Karen Carpenter would say, “We’ve only just begun.” Who knew what the next few hours had in store?

“I’m glad.” Kyle shifted his feet like he was nervous. It was kind of adorable. “I played in high school and college.”

“That’s great. Did you want to go pro?”

“Nah. I didn’t want to be on the road half the year, living out of a suitcase.”

I perked up. Huh. Maybe there were some possibilities here. “Believe me, I’m on the same page. Did you know that people who travel frequently for work are more prone to depression and anxiety?” I blurted, before thinking about what I was really saying. Showing him I’m a weirdo who looks up odd facts like that daily. But I supposed it was better for him to know that up front. Visions of him running out the door began flooding my mind.

But then … he grinned a huge grin. “They’re also more likely to smoke and become dependent on alcohol.”

He had no idea what a turn-on that statement was to me. Could I have possibly found my weirdo? Suddenly, the yellow walls of the museum got brighter. Kyle’s face lit up as well, like he had the same thought about me.

“Can I introduce you to one of my heroes?” He beamed with pride.

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