Page 109 of You Had Me At Thirteen

Carla smirks, and lifts an eyebrow. ‘Well, she’s right.’

I glance towards the door. ‘I better go. Wren will kill me if he finds me here.’

‘No, he wouldn’t. But I’ll keep it a secret.’ She winks.

‘Thanks, Carls. See you tomorrow.’

As I step out the front door of Wren’s house, my mum pulls into the driveway. She waves me over, so I skip towards her car to help her with the grocery bags.

‘Thanks, Til,’ Mum says as we set all the bags on the kitchen table.

We unpack in silence, but I can feel my mum’s eyes on me. She says nothing until I flop down on the stool, my head in my hands.

‘What’s going on, babe?’

‘Everything.’

‘Did you see Deb?’

I nod, rubbing my temples. ‘She said that Wren needs some time.’

‘I’m sure he does. Put yourself in his shoes. Just give him a moment to breathe.’

‘I can’t lose him,’ I say. ‘I’ve never felt this way before.’

Mum sighs and sits down on the stool next to me to pull me into her side. ‘I’m sure you won’t. Relationships are complicated sometimes.’

‘What if I’m not good enough, though?’

‘You’re serious?’

‘Dad never thought so. All these years I’ve just wanted his approval and now I’ll never get it. I feel as though racing was only ever for him. It just became part of me, but for all the wrong reasons.’

This realisation hit me last night when I lay in bed staring at my ceiling. I still want those things, the racing career, the sports science degree, but I want them for myself. Every time I thought I wasn’t good enough, it was because my father taught me that to win his love, I had to prove myself.

Sorry, Dad. No fucking more.

Mum rubs my back, turning towards me so her knees are touching my thigh. ‘Your father loved no-one but himself, baby. He was so far gone that I never realised it until the day he died and I felt a weight lift from my shoulders.’ She sucks in a deep, shaky breath. ‘I’ve never said that out loud before.’

‘Maybe I should take a break?’

‘From racing, you mean?’

I nod.

‘Well, what would it feel like if you stopped?’

‘Empty.’ The word comes out before I even register I’ve said it. I feel it now, that emptiness like I’m missing something, or lost something.

I lost two things this week: my hopes of a future I wanted so badly and the person who was fast becoming part of that future.

‘There’s your answer, baby. Trust yourself, Matilda.’ Mum presses her hand to my chest. ‘Trust that part of yourself that pushes you forward.’

‘But I messed up, Ma. Not just the race, but with Wren. He hates me.’

‘I get it. It’s hard, but you aren’t a quitter, Matilda.’

I nod and take in her words. ‘Thanks Mum. I love you.’

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