My eyes bore into his, searching for what he wants. Why now? He had the chance to do all the things when we were together. We never went on dates. Jaden is the type of man that gets straight to the point. He likes you physically, he fucks. That is basically it. If he wants you around, he’ll buy you shit.
We have a connection, that much is obvious. We both come from a dark past with evil secrets most people would run away from once they discover what haunts us. I realize it is what draws me to him. The convenience of me not having to ever tell him what they did to me.
I’m surprised he went down on me in the shower. According to Ethan, Jaden knows some of the damage that was done and my worst fear is that he would risk everything to seek revenge on those who have broken me. Those who left me almost fighting for my life when I was dragged and left to die one night at a clinic in another town. Where I lied about my age and who I was. Where I hardly remembered what happened the first and second time until the nightmares began. Giving me bits and pieces of what happened those nights of torture.
The mind sometimes has a way to block out the trauma but sometimes it likes to pick and choose certain scenes as a reminder. Like a kaleidoscope of images for you to see.
The hospital took pictures, but everything was swept under the rug and I found them in my chart and took them before I left that day. In part, it was because I was ashamed and decided I wouldn’t give them any information. There were no names to be given for fear they would make good on their promises and kill me.
If the authorities knew I was really seventeen, they would have taken me away and sent me into the foster care system. The two men besides Jack weren’t old, they were maybe the same age as Jaden or even younger. They promised to kill me if I told anyone, and I believed them.
When I paid my mother’s debt, she turned to Jack for meth and started the cycle all over again. When I left my mother’s trailer, I learned how to pole dance and landed two jobs. One in the diner, and one at the Porcelain Dollhouse.
Giselle’s parents died in an accident, and she came from New York heartbroken. She was my only friend since we were kids. Her parents were everything. They were the best parents anyone could ask for, they were a kind, loving couple who loved their daughter so much. Sometimes they would give me food and a warm place to stay when I needed it. It hurt to see them pass and it hurt most to see Giselle lose the best parents in the world. They are the only people I consider family.
After everything that has happened, Jaden is back in my life and wants to take me out on a date. How do I answer that? He hurt me and broke my heart. The one guy I thought was my savior dismissed me like a one-night stand.
When Jace, the guy I gave my virginity to in high school, found out I was dancing at the Porcelain Dollhouse, he actually tried to ask me out and plead for forgiveness.
I remember how Jace was ashamed of me because of my mother and where I came from. It is why I don’t tell people about my parents or where I’m from. He spread awful rumors that I was an easy lay but then felt guilty for spreading a lie and apologized to me. He pleaded for me to forgive him, and I did but I couldn’t stand looking at him because he was part of the reason I was being raped.
Then Jaden showed up with Nate at the Porcelain Dollhouse and swept me off my feet. For me, it was like love at first sight. He was my everything until he wasn’t.
Taking a deep breath and looking down at the table with my hands fidgeting, I ask, “Have you ever been in love, Jaden?”
He frowns, pinching his brows together, and still manages to look handsome. The man is breathtakingly gorgeous with a sexy bad boy vibe and a body that is carved like stone. His arms bulge as he bends them, placing his elbows on the table. I hold a breath, waiting for his answer. Maybe I’m waiting for him to finally tell me the words I have longed to hear from him or that at least he is capable of falling in love.
He looks away and my stomach bottoms out when he says, “I don’t know. I’ve never felt love for anyone before. I have never had a mother’s love or father’s love, only their hate toward me. If you asked me if I could identify what love is, I wouldn’t be able to give you an answer.”
My stomach squeezes because that is sad to know you couldn’t identify what love is or if you are even capable of feeling it. I learned what love was through Giselle and her parents. That was love. How two people could love and care for each other in marriage and pass the love on to their child. How Nate and Giselle love each other. That is what I longed to feel with Jaden. Love is what I felt for him three years ago. Now that he is being honest with me, I was right for giving him what he wanted and walking out of his life quietly. Now I know the truth. When I was busy loving him, he never loved me back.
It makes sense now, when you don’t love someone, it is easy to let that person go. It is why he let me go and never looked for me or called. Jaden didn’t love me then and he doesn’t love me now.
I swallow the lump that is lodged deep in my throat. My hands are in my lap, clammy with sweat because I know I have to turn him down. I need to look out for myself, and I know deep in my heart I deserve someone to love me just a little.
I’m tired of being hurt and I don’t want to explore something I know he is incapable of giving me in the end. If he couldn’t see the deep love I had for him when we were together, then there is no point. Being friends is the only thing I can offer him and it’s a friendship that involves not staying in his house or sleeping in his bed. I’m making a terrible mistake in letting him touch me intimately as much as I crave it and the physical attraction is there, I’m selling myself short, as the saying goes.
Placing my hand on his arm, he looks up, and I give him a wry smile. Licking my lips and swallowing, I let him down gently. “I’m sorry, Jaden, but I can’t go out with you.” Looking at the billboard announcing his next three fights, I know I’m doing what is best for him and what is best for me. “You have three big fights coming up. You need to be in the gym training, not wasting your time with me.”
His lips form a thin line and I know it’s not what he wants to hear. His finger taps impatiently on the table. “Why?” he asks.
“Because I’m not part of your life. I never was. You can have sex with whomever you want and wouldn’t have to worry about me getting upset or feel guilty about it.”
“I want to have sex with you and only you.”
I scoff. “After your last fight and your next one, highly unlikely. I can’t give you that part of me anymore.”
He wipes a hand over his face and stares down at me. I hate disappointing him, but I can’t risk him rejecting me a second time. He can’t love me and maybe if I was incapable of loving him or wanting someone to love me in return, I would be able to say yes. But the truth is, I can’t. I cried too many nights because of him, alone in my dark room. The pain of Jaden breaking my heart was too much and I wouldn’t be able to survive it a second time.
I had to start over, and it reminded me of when I left my mother’s trailer on my own with nothing. It was my fault for depending on him and believing in his promises. He has done a lot for me and took care of me for a while. He doesn’t owe me anything. He should be living his dream. A dream he has earned. He doesn’t need my baggage dragging him down. He was honest with me about his feelings and now I need to be honest with myself.
“Look, I don’t want to throw that in your face, but you have to stop acting like you have wanted me. For three years”—I put up three fingers emphasizing how long it’s been since we broke up—“you have managed to be undefeated and fight as a pro fighter without me. You never reached out after you let me go and I understand now. It was hard for me. I was alone, striving to finish school and dancing for a buck. I had to lie to my best friend so she wouldn’t feel sorry for me because I just wanted her to be happy with the man she loves. Three years, Jaden.”
“I’m sorry,” he says with a grimace.
“It’s not your fault, it is my fault. You can’t help the way you feel. You just said you don’t know what love is or know if you ever felt it. It means you never loved me and I’m okay with that. It answers a lot of questions I wanted answers to.”
“What questions, Brie? I’m trying to make things right between us.”