Page 47 of The Lies You Love
“You gave me something I myself lost,” Auden says, “But I know my worth now and if you can walk away from what we have then you aren’t the man I thought you were.”
I nod.
“I told you, Beck. I told you, I’d destroy your heart.”
I nod.
“I didn’t see it at the time but it will destroy mine in the process.”
I nod. There’s nothing left to say. I’m saving it. This is how it must be.
“Goodbye, Beck. Some protector you are.”
The final low blow hurts, but I deserve it. I deserve any ounce of pain she gives me for this. I know how she feels about me because it’s how I feel about her. The coming days are going to be desperate, feral, searing, but if there’s one thing Maisey’s death taught me it’s that it does get easier, and the only cure is time. My body lied, I puke once more, this time heaving when only a small amount escapes my mouth. I don’t go in the house until I hear the garage open and Auden leave, my dad taking her to the airport, no doubt. My mother is wearing a bathrobe crying at the breakfast table when I stumble in the back door.
“You’re worse now than you’ve ever been. How could you do that to that poor girl? I’m so disappointed in you.” Her eyes rake my outfit and she cringes back. “Who are you right now?”
“I don’t know,” I say, voice cracking. “A man with the truth, I suppose.” Going to the sink, I chug a huge glass of water and grab a piece of bread from the bread box and eat it straight. “The worst part is I fucking love that poor girl. Paltry things like love can’t matter when I’d be too worried about protecting her when I have to protect Ramsey. Her best fucking friend. No one knows how complicated this is. No one understands, and I don’t expect you to. I’m letting Auden go because I was stupid to think after this month is up, I’d be able to go back to the way things were before. Spending all my time guarding when I’m thinking about Auden’s smile. The way she always thinks about me first. Her kindness. The way she rubs her thumbnail with her pointer finger when she’s deep in thought or worried about what she’s about to say next. The woman is perfect for me in every way except the only way that matters.”
Mom stands. “It was never your job to protect your big sister,” she yells, aiming a finger at me. “That was not in your job description. It was not your fault she died. Or that she even got shot in the first place. Quit blaming yourself and let yourself be happy! Did you really listen to what you said to me? Auden is your person and you’re turning away from her because of a technicality. You would find a way to make it work. You’ll get over the fact that she has Maisey’s heart. What you won’t get over is letting that woman walk away.” She points at the door and her whole arm is shaking.
“I know I fucked up, Mom. But some things you can live with and some things you can’t.” I shake my head as I let tears fall. “You don’t get to tell me what I can’t live with. I’m sorry I disappointed you, but I will always feel somewhat responsible for Maisey’s death.”
Mom’s face pales as she looks at me, and she tightens the robe belt as she looks out to the garden. “I’m sorry I said that.” She comes up to me and hugs me tightly. “Seeing you happy gave me something back. Her death took so much from you that it gave me hope. For the first time, it looked like you might move on.” She doesn’t release me and I close my eyes against the onslaught of pain—everything mingling together in one big pain potion. Heartbreak and loss. “What if,” she whispers, “What if you’re looking at this wrong? What if the reason you view as the reason she’s not right for you, is the singular most important reason she is right for you?”
I’m acutely aware this is how most men would embrace this knowledge, but it’s not how my brain works. “I don’t accept that,” I say.
Mom sobs a little harder, but I feel her nodding against my shoulder. “The training changed you,” she says.
“It made me better. You may not see it now, but it’s what saved me.”
“You won’t have a normal life and you’re saying it saved you? You’re giving up love for a job? If your sister was here right now, what do you think she’d tell you?”
“She’d be upset I never became a vet. She would be angry I was a dick to Auden. She’d tell me life is too short for bad food and rash decisions.”
“Maybe you were rash?” Mom asks.
I release her from the hug when Stefan comes into the kitchen. “Sorry. Grabbing coffee and I’ll be out of the way.”
“It’s fine. Let the entire family see me at my worst. And no, Mom, I don’t think I was rash. I think I made a logical decision quickly, yes. That doesn’t change a thing. It was never going to work.”
Stefan keeps his eyes trained on the coffee pot like it might self-destruct. “I don’t want to intrude, but I did spend the morning talking to Auden. She was up all night worried when you wouldn’t answer your phone.” I touch the outside of my pocket to make sure I still have it. It’s there. Sliding it out, I see it’s also dead. Mom moves to the fridge as I take a seat at the table.
“And, what did she say?”
He licks his lips, leaning against the counter. “We didn’t talk about you much. She wanted to know about Maisey.” Of course, she did. That’s how selfless Auden is. “I mostly told her stories. The happy ones. She knew, Beck. She knew this would be your reaction. She said she felt like you were looking for a reason to walk away.” He sits in a chair next to me. “She wouldn’t listen when I told her you’d come around. I’m not sure if you will, Beckett, but I told her that because you should have seen how sad she was. Maisey loved the awful parts of you. How you never said the right thing first. Your hot head, and how you drank too much when you wanted to avoid life. She loved those things because she loved you, but you already know how I feel,” Stefan says. “You only get one shot. One person. Die or live, you only get one.” He shakes his head, and the haunted terror slips across his face. “Think back to the first moment she showed you who she truly was. Is she your one? Her heart aside. Mind, soul, body, is Auden your one?”
All my breath leaves my body. “I don’t have any one person. I’m a fucking Charge Man. My loyalties lie with one person and one person alone. Maybe in another life, Stefan. In this one? The one I chose. I took an oath, and as much as I’d love to believe what you’re trying to sell, sometimes you have to move the fuck on and not worry about the one.”
It’s a lie. All of it. But Stefan seems to really be listening to me. Maybe this time, when I’m desperate to escape my life, he’ll realize he still has his. I’m sick of dwelling, of hinging decisions on other decisions, and most of all I’m tired of living in the past. I’ve grieved, healed, and I’ve created a new dream for myself, and now, more than ever, I need to leave my mistakes, and even if it burns me to the quick, understand that my time with Auden is the biggest mistake I’ve made yet.
CHAPTER SIXTEEN
Auden
Instead of dwelling in misery, I’m dwelling among boxes in my store. It’s been too busy for me to come up for air. People bounced back from the recession and from the looks of it, they’ve added a dog or two in the process. That doesn’t mean in the quiet moments, when Ramsey isn’t by my side or on the phone with me, or when I’m alone, I’m okay. I’m actually not fine by any stretch of the imagination. I would have preferred to stay blissfully unaware that true love actually existed. Not only that, but that it comes on strong, fast, and it’s undeniable. I don’t have a clue what time it is, only that I’m starving and the sun went down hours ago. Focus on your business, Auden. Focus.
I use a razor blade to open the next box filled with pink furry rabbit dog toys. “Sadistic,” I whisper to the stuffie as I start plucking them out to add to a huge basket on wheels. It’s my fault, I ordered them, but in my defense, the cute toys sell quicker, and this one is adorable. As I stroke the head of the bunny, I swallow hard thinking of the last time I had sex with Beck. Sex. With. Beck. Slamming my eyes shut, I try to will the feelings away but can’t. I fell in love with him quickly, and there’s no denying that, but fucking him is what comes to mind most often. The way he’d look me in the eyes when I’d come around him, or the sweet kiss he’d give, right behind my ear, before he’d pull out of me. My countless orgasms and the satisfaction it brought him. Mostly because while it was the best sex of my life, it’s also the only time I’ve made love. True love, anyways. Counting sex with Walker seems like a sham at this point.
