Page 48 of The Lies You Love
I feel closest to Beck when I’m coming, and I wonder if that will ever go away, not that I want to test that theory with another man anytime soon. They’d all pale in comparison for sure. I pull out the rabbit from its sheath in my tote bag and stare at it like it might say something. I test the batteries and feel the vibration in the palm of my hand before sighing when I know I have to do it. Here and now. To get him out of my head. I sit back down on the floor where I was working and lift my skirt. Closing my eyes, I pull my panties to the side and tease myself with the tip of the swirling vibrator. It nudges against my pussy, but I’m not wet yet, not like Beck makes me so I have to wait, teasing my clit with the buzzing part until I’m nearly on the brink of coming.
I turn up the power and wince against the onslaught of pleasure. Pressing the head in, I let it work itself inside me, slowly, until it’s rubbing my G-spot with each flick of the circle. I moan out long and hard without care. No one can hear me, no one cares I’m about to come. It’s me and the toy and my thighs tingle, my stomach floats and I clench down on the toy as rapture takes me. It’s a sterile orgasm, one that leaves me breathless and crying. I pull it out and exhale the pent-up sadness and rage I feel. I scream at the top of my lungs as the hot tears pour down my face. The man who put me back together broke me in another way. I crave his lips, the scent of his body and sweat, the heat from his torso against mine, the way he’d linger inside me after I came so I could feel whole. I want his love.
My mood has plummeted, so I clean up, pack up my things for the day and lock up. I call Ramsey on my drive home. We talk about my day and about her dumb plant that she finally got from an anonymous friend. She wasn’t sure who sent it, and she said I was the only one she told. “I wish I could afford to give you a fifteen-thousand-dollar tree, Rams, I really do, especially for how much you’ve been helping me through the breakup and with the store lately, but I don’t have that kind of cash.” I’m half joking, but it seems to really upset her she doesn’t know where it came from. I get it, it’s expensive.
“You have a ton of rich friends, don’t you? After that party, nothing would surprise me. Maybe the realtor sent it as a present for accosting your best friend in the forest?”
It’s a joke, but she snaps back. “Don’t make light of that. I could have killed that sleazy bastard.”
I widen my eyes as I turn into my apartment parking garage. “A little harsh, Rams, don’t you think?”
She rattles on about how she never should have invited me there and what a mistake it was to go at all. I listen intently, pulling the phone away when it screeches static in my ear. It must be because I’m in my building elevator. The man in the corner smiles at me, and I smile back, a quick gesture, not long enough to entice more interaction.
“Are you going to the rooftop party?”
Ramsey pauses when she hears the male voice. She’s silent as a stone. “I didn’t get an invite,” I say.
“Sorry to interrupt your phone call,” he says, flashing a lopsided smirk. “But you don’t need an invite. The whole building is invited. Come up to the roof and BYOB.” The elevator dings open at my floor. I flash another small smile and nod as I get out.
“Did I hear party at your house?” Ramsey says.
“I’m not feeling up to it,” I say.
“It’s been weeks since Beck broke it off. Aren’t you itching to get off the vibrator and onto a live human dick?”
I exhale as I push into my apartment and lock the door. “It’s not like that this time. In fact, I don’t think it will ever be like that again. Beck was different. He was more.”
“More of an asshole. He broke your damn heart. In case you don’t remember he made you fly home from his parent’s house by yourself because he was drunk.”
I didn’t tell her the full reason he broke things off. That I have his sister’s heart. That he can’t look at me without wanting to vomit. That I literally represent something he’ll never get back again. Ramsey wouldn’t understand the nuances of the situation. No one else would. It feels like fiction when I lay awake at night, my hand on my heart, letting the pound lull me to sleep knowing it’s the closest to Beck I’ll ever be again.
“It’s not all bad. Listen, I’ll go to the roof if you want to come over and go with me.”
She pauses for a few beats. “I need to blow dry my hair. I’ll be over in twenty.” We hang up.
Humans take for granted how frequently things just work. I never do. Not anymore. Every beat of this heart is precious, and as low as I feel right now, I know I must move on and live. I’m not sure what that looks like now that my month with Beck changed me so fully, but I have to try. While my leftovers heat up, I change into a long maxi dress and switch out my underwear. I drag a brush through my hair and add mascara until my lashes start clumping together. I eat quickly and brush my teeth and Ramsey lets herself in with the spare key.
“Wow, you cleaned up quick.”
“How do you know I didn’t wear this to work?” I ask, holding out the sides of the purple stretchy cotton then letting it fall back.
She shrugs. “Not your usual M.O. You ready to go up? I brought libations.” Ramsey holds up a bottle of wine. “Grab a couple of those wine tumblers I bought for you and let’s roll.”
Ramsey grabs the wine bottle opener from my bar cart and opens the wine and pours both of us a glass. “You should invite Griffin,” I say it first because I feel like she might be trying to be a one-man woman, but I regret asking because he’s a direct link to Beckett. My stomach flips. “I’m fine. You can bring him around, Ramsey. Don’t worry about me.”
She looks at me, tilting her head to the side. “You’re sure?” Her pretty eyes squint as she stares at my face. “You’re not doing that thing normal women do when you say that, but you don’t mean it and it will upset you?” I laugh.
“I’m sure,” I return.
As soon as the words are out of my mouth, she’s dialing him on the phone. It’s a brief call in which she tells him where to be. She hangs up and we use my key card to get to the rooftop. “Did you ever find out who sent the tree?” I ask to deflect attention from myself.
“I don’t know. I really don’t. I might set it on fire for how much that annoys me.”
I chuckle, sipping my wine as we push into the night air of the garden. “But you wouldn’t.”
“Of course, I wouldn’t,” Ramsey replies, tucking the bottle under her arm like a handbag. “That little bitch is my favorite plant in my bunch.”
As I look around, I realize the poor job I’ve done at knowing my neighbors. No one looks familiar, and worse still, everyone else seems to know each other. Cue awkward new girl moment, except I’m not new. The man from the elevator is over by the balcony that overlooks Ramsey’s building. I head for him when Ramsey disperses into the crowd—a chameleon in any situation.
